Selfish Expectations for Marriage and Relationships Make Divorce Inevitable

On my way to work this morning, I caught part of a discussion on the radio about divorce. The men were complaining that they did not have enough sex from their wives, and therefore divorced them. A few of the women callers said that their marriages were fine, but the majority said that they divorced because of unfaithful spouses. This hit home. I, too, had an adulterous husband. One woman called in and said that her marriage was a happy one, and that it had been for 23 years. A male deejay remarked that he was sure her husband was having an affair, because no man could be satisfied with that.

I became angry, and recalled all the pain of my cheating husband. The one question I wanted to put to these men is: "Have you ever asked yourselves why your wives didn't want to have sex with you?" I'm sure it never even crossed their minds. They believed their wives were there to obey and please them, and that they had no responsibility to fulfill first. It's not possible that a woman could not want her husband, and if she didn't, something must be wrong with her, right? Wrong! It is that selfish and erroneous attitude that starts the avalanche of hurt and deception.

In my situation, lack of respect and honesty was the root of the trouble in our marriage. My husband told me he couldn't respect me because of my job. I wasn't making enough money to please him, apparently, even though he had recently begun a job that increased his salary by a little less than the amount of my salary. We were not in need of money as a couple. In fact, we had been seriously considering a new home purchase. His revelation shook me. I viewed our salaries as a communal pot of funds. I now understood then that he did not. I had no idea that my salary amount or chosen profession was in any way a requirement for our marriage. His faithfulness was, and we both knew it. Yet, he had to find a way to blame me for his adultery. It was because he couldn't respect me, or so he said, that we didn't sleep together. I thought it was because I could not stand his touch because all his tenderness was gone, he ignored me, and he was untrustworthy. If he had been honest from the beginning, I don't think we would have married, or if we did, we certainly could have worked through the complications before it was too late. It was now a catch-22. However, just having that conversation benefited us both greatly. It helped us see each other more clearly. We revealed our expectations, and wants and needs were now separated. ("Need" is a powerful word, and is misused. We want things much more than we need them. Distinguish between the two properly.)

The radio program continued, but the problem was obvious. These men were looking for excuses, just as my husband was, and were using their wives as scapegoats. I can guarantee what happened in all of these divorces was not as simple as the man lacking sex. The real problem was that he did not respect nor care for his wife. He didn't show her kindness, tenderness, or think of her as that special woman in his life. She had become too real for him, and he didn't want a real woman, only a toy. He had expectations that his wife would always be ready and willing for him, but that he didn't have to give anything in return. Take the responsibility, guys, and check your attitudes. Your wife is not your servant, but she is your partner! Think about what that means. Now, I'm not saying that's the only problem. There is always a catalyst, and that varies per couple. Every thought and action you take toward your spouse creates a reaction within them, and it doesn't stop. This is dangerous, but it isn't something you can ignore or change. You must be careful and respectful because it all comes back around.

Women need to feel that you care for them completely before their bodies can conform to your wishes. That's the plain truth. There is no great secret. What sustained those magical early days when you were having as much sex as you wanted and she wanted? You paid attention to her and made her feel special. In a relationship, there has to be give and take. In order to get what you want, you have to give what your spouse wants. If you think that your wife should come to you for sex when it is your desire, think again. Take the responsibility, and become the man she wants. Those words have meaning. "The man she wants." You will not have the marriage you want without doing so. Learn to give, and stay honest with yourself and your spouse.

Husbands and wives need to spend quality time together, and make a point of keeping in touch every day. You will be rewarded in the way that you both desire, because it takes two. Ask questions, and don't ignore your each other's wants. It might take a while to learn, but it's worth it. In order to eliminate the problem completely, we need to start by raising our children with the proper attitudes toward the opposite sex. That's only a start, because it's an ongoing process. Happy marriages are possible, if each spouse takes responsibility, and looks inwardly, instead of placing blame where it doesn't belong. Don't give up; just start talking. It's amazing what you can discover when you face problems together. Remember, the time for action is now, not when it's too late. Talk to your spouse before looking elsewhere for gratification. At that point, you need to face the problem, not run away and create a bigger one.

Happiness is not guaranteed, however. Keep in mind that personalities don't change, but habits can. Form the right habits as a couple, and grow together. It's really not that difficult. All you have to do is open up to each other, and realize that you had something special in the first place, or you would not have married. If you did not, then of course, it was a mistake. I asked myself this when going through my dilemma. I wondered what went wrong, and when. Even when we were in the early stages, and the sex was frequent, my husband began to ignore me. He lied to me; shut me out. I recognized this, but he wouldn't talk to me. Talking is essential. If you don't let your spouse know when there is a problem, it can't be solved. Come clean early on, and you will get what you want. It's just that simple.