Seniors: How to Help Friends and Loved Once Coping with Death and Loss

As we age, our circle of friends becomes smaller and smaller, not because we're not socializing, but because aging means death. Seniors can look to the right and left and see friends who are no longer there or friends who have lost their spouses and loved ones.

We find ourselves comforting grieving friends and family more and more as we age. When it first starts happening we may be at a loss as to what to say and how to act. Some people never figure out how to handle it. Here are some general ideas on how you can help a grieving friend or loved one:

Everyone Grieves Differently. Some grieving people break down in sobbing jags very publicly while others throw themselves into projects to keep busy. Just because you don't see your loved one sobbing doesn't mean she's not grieving.

I know just how you feel. Never utter this phrase. If your best friend's spouse has died, and your husband is sitting next to you, don't tell your friend that you know how she feels. You can't possibly know. You may have lost loved ones, too, but it's not the same. You can empathize with the general feeling, but don't know this specific feeling, and it's insulting to compare your feelings for losing your great aunt with your friend's loss of a husband.

I know just how you feel (really). On the other hand, if you're friend's husband or wife dies and you've lost your husband or wife, too, you can relate deeply with the person. Your friend may not be able to put into words her feelings. You know what you went through in this grief process.

---Don't overwhelm the person. Grief comes in stages. Don't tell the person your story and feelings start to finish. It's too much, and it may not be where your friend is mentally at that moment. Empathize and let him know you get it, but let him ask questions.

---Notice signs. Keep an eye on your friend for signs of things you thought and felt when you were grieving, then give your experiences on that same thing. Let the person unfold his feelings as they come, just as they did with you.

---Be there. The grieving person will be overwhelmed by an outpouring of sympathy initially. That won't be when the person needs it most, as you'll know if you've endured the same pain. It's when the room goes quiet late at night when no one is around that the person will begin to feel the intense pain of the loss. Keep reinforcing to your friend that you are there for the long haul. Make sure he knows he can call you during tough spells, regardless of the time.

Time Heals All. Never imply this to your friend, let alone say it aloud, right after her loss or even years later. You may hear her say that as time passes, and you can empathize. You'll hear acquaintances mutter this to your friend, and if you've been there, you know how completely insulting that is. If you hear someone say that, let your friend know that people are stupid when it comes to grieving so they feel the need to say something even something silly like Time Heals All.

Don't Be One of Those People. In grief, people grow awkward. Most people don't know what to say. They know they can't make the situation better, but they feel the need to say something when directly confronted with a grieving person. No one knows what to do with an awkward pause, so people fill in the air space with inept words.

It is perfectly legitimate to tell a grieving friend: I have absolutely no idea how you're feeling. I have no idea what to do for you. I know I can't make you feel better right now, but I wish I could. Any combination of these is helpful. Or, you could just say what you really mean: I'm so sorry. I'll be here for you.