Separation Anxiety in Children

Most parents will experience the trauma of tearful goodbyes associated with leaving the side of their young child or infant. Although it is a completely normal and developmentally appropriate part of childhood and infancy, it is often a disconcerting and heartbreaking experience that will replay itself over and over. These tearful and tear-filled goodbyes are known clinically as separation anxiety. It affects most children (and parents equally) at some point in their development, but most often it occurs between 8 months and 2 ½ years of age. This age span is quite broad, but it takes into consideration individual growth and maturation of the developing child. Understanding that separation anxiety is a normal and temporary part of development, and utilizing some simple strategies can help a family make this period of time more manageable.

Infants are very resilient individuals. While babies are young (up to approximately 4-6 months), they are more than happy to have their needs met by any caring individual who may be so inclined. At this stage in their development, infants adjust well to other people and are more focused on just having their needs met. An interesting period of development occurs when babies begin to develop what is known as "object permanence". Object permanence is a developmental milestone which defines when an infant begins to realize that something or someone exists even when they cannot see it. They are beginning to learn that an object or person is "permanent", even if not visible by baby. You can clearly see when a child is approaching this milestone in their development. These babies developing the skill of object permanence enjoy throwing toys over the side of their high chair or stroller because they know that the toy is not gone for good, and that this makes a fun game for baby!

This same developmental principle applies to parents and caregivers. Your baby realizes that there is only one mommy, and one daddy. They also realize that because there is only one of you, when you are out of sight (even in the next room), you have gone away!! To your infant or child, it does not matter if you have gone to work or if you have gone to the next room; you are still gone. Your clever little bundle of joy will do what their natural instincts instruct them to do. They will cry and scream in order to circumvent this from happening. Also, when children begin to master their gross motor skills, including crawling and walking, they are able to stray further from you. This distance can alarm a child, so they will continuously look to you for support and encouragement, sometimes known as social referencing. The child will check your facial expressions to monitor their own safety and develop their own comfort level. This is a tool that biology and evolution has left in its wake. Children will most likely become afraid when separated from their caregivers in order to provide a level of protection from the unknown and potentially dangerous world. This biological tool also becomes an obstacle for parents when trying to separate from their children. Other factors which compound separation anxiety include the birth of a sibling, moving, a change in caregiver or provider, or any other external tensions. There are, however, some strategies that can make this time a bit easier for all involved.

While this is only a temporary period of time, there are some simple strategies that you can use to make it more manageable for you, caregivers, and most importantly, your child. The first and most important part of managing anything with a young child is consistency. Any strategies that you employ should be practiced consistently, and from all caregivers. The following strategies may be helpful in easing separation anxiety.

▪ Create a Routine: Young children thrive on routines and structure. By providing a regular routine, the child is able to develop expectations about what will happen in their day. Make the routine as brief as possible, and try to maintain this routine, even when there is a switch in caregiver, etc. The consistency of the routine will provide the child with a sense of security even when there is some other change in their day.

▪ Exposure: Expose your child to time away from you. Scheduling time away from each other will allow both you and your child the opportunity to become more adjusted to the idea of separation. Start your time away gradually, and build up over time. Starting with very brief separations (for example, leaving your child in the house with a different caregiver while you go for a walk outside) will build your child's confidence that you will always return.

▪ Model Your Own Calmness: Try and model your own level of calmness and firmness when saying goodbye. As mentioned before, children "check in" with their parents and caregivers and adapt their feelings to match. Staying calm, yet firm, will allow your child to share some of your calmness and feel less insecure and frightened about the separation.

▪ Read Together About It: Read to your child about separation and the feelings that accompany them. Use books that have good pictures, as children are better able to process the verbal with a visual clue. Good books on separation include, but are not limited to : Mama Always Comes Home, by Karma Wilson; The Kissing Hand, by Audrey Penn; and The Good-Bye Book, by Judith Viorst. For younger toddlers and infants, reading the story is not imperative; start out by pointing to the pictures and briefly labeling them. For example, point to a picture of a mother waving, and tell your baby or toddler, "Mama go bye-bye", etc. Keep your commentary brief and easy to understand. Your child will get the point.

▪ Take Care of Yourself: Remember, separating from you child is a monumental task for any parent. Try and recognize that this transition may be more difficult for you than it is for your child. Accept that it is okay to be upset and sad, and that you will get through it with your child. Take time to care for yourself- get enough rest, proper nutrition, and participate in a stress-relieving activity solely for you.

The duration of separation anxiety differs from child to child. Some children never experience it, or exhibit behaviors associated with it. Remember to optimize your time together during the day, and provide lots of positive reinforcement when you are reunited. Remember that your child's difficulty separating from you is a reminder of the wonderful and healthy attachments you have made together.

If your child's separation anxiety disrupts an older child's daily functioning or activities, you may want to seek professional support.