Sesame Street Links Up with Fox News for a Special Episode

A script treatment for a future sweeps episode of "Sesame Street" was leaked this week and caused consternation in the realms of left & right politics. It seems the producers of The Street have decided to make amends with Fox News after an episode of "Sesame" controversially parodied the news network by calling it Pox News. In this script treatment, an entire episode is wrapped around Fox News anchors visiting Sesame Street as an attempt to find common ground with all the Muppet and human characters.

Fortunately, your astute writer was able to track down an unofficial copy of this script before it gets filmed. Below are highlights of how the one-hour episode would play. At press time, the Fox News notables shown participating haven't been officially confirmed to appear:

(Opening title sequence with familiar theme song)

We see Big Bird leading a line of kids through a playground. Neil Cavuto comes running out of frame of the playground and starts throwing wads of cash into the air. The kids and Cavuto decidedly jump into and play in the piles of cash rather than a nearby pile of leaves. Big Bird joins them. This is episode 10 billion something or other.

(Fade out; Fade in to a beautiful and quiet day on Sesame Street.)

Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck are seen returning from lunch together--though both make a wrong turn, hence ending up on Sesame Street. Passing by Oscar the Grouch's garbage can, Oscar pops out to greet O'Reilly and Beck. Oscar realizes who O'Reilly is and Oscar says he feels as if he's looking into a mirror. O'Reilly does an apoplectic but preschool-friendly Talking Points segment on why he doesn't resemble Oscar the Grouch in any shape or form. Things calm when Oscar reminds O'Reilly that the resemblance is only mutual in temperament rather than physical.

Oscar, for the first time, crawls out of his garbage can to bow at O'Reilly's feet for being his hero.

During the commotion, Glenn Beck has wandered off and ended up in Mr. Hooper's store. While Beck discusses the merits of the letter P for panic with the store's owner, Alan, Alan decides to close up shop in a panic with signs on the windows and door proclaiming the sky is falling. Big Bird and Elmo walk by, see the signs and start feeling concerned. Elmo starts convulsing in fear on the ground and astutely declares the hottest toy of the following Christmas season: Panic Me Elmo.

(Cut to the first interstitial segment: A Fox Business news anchor special rendition of "Pinball Number Count." Steve Forbes, David Asman, Liz Claman, Cody Willard, Rebecca Diamond, Stuart Varney and Dave Ramsey collectively sing the funky "12" song originally sung by the Pointer Sisters. This segment presents newly-animated images of a dollar coin rolling through a pinball game, replacing the classic pinball. The dollar coin eventually falls into a tax coffer in the end scene. Echoes of The Count's laugh are heard with a clap of thunder.)

(Cut to a new Ernie & Bert segment that shows them eating breakfast and watching Fox & Friends on TV. "F&F's" anchors Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade discuss why President Obama eating cookies for breakfast over former President George W. Bush eating oatmeal for breakfast is a bad, bad thing. Bert, the oatmeal lover, gets into an argument with cookie lover Ernie over which one is healthier. No consensus is reached, but they figure Ernie tearing Bert's nose off in acrimony and making it a topping on an ice cream sundae is no solution.)

(Cut back to action on Sesame Street.)

Bob, Gordon and Susan spot Big Bird huddled in his nest with a newspaper over his head. As usual, they think he's up to another crazy stunt, though they learn he's panicking over Glenn Beck's assessment that the sky is falling. Bob tries to explain to Big Bird what a metaphor and analogy is, but Big Bird thinks he's talking about a giant number 4 and an analytic G.

Gordon and Susan reassure Big Bird that the sky can't literally fall anywhere, let alone Sesame Street. An agitated Glenn Beck then appears, asking Bob, Gordon & Susan how to find his way back to the Fox News building. Gordon & Susan realize who he is and manifest thought clouds of giving Beck directions to the Sesame Street landfill a half-mile down (but unseen to the viewer) from Hooper's Store. Ultimately, they show their sense of humanity and promise to bring some cookies and coffee for Beck if he promises to tell Big Bird, the crumpled Elmo down the block and Alan that the sky won't fall.

Bob turns to head to Oscar's can where discordant singing is heard.

(Cut to another interstitial of Greta Van Susteren and Geraldo Riviera doing an update of "Who Are the People in Your Neighborhood?" Greta and Geraldo sing the song and run into construction workers Biff & Sully who we haven't seen in years. During the song, Biff & Sully are seen holding unemployment forms with Biff as garrulous as ever. We find out Sully can't even write on the form let alone speak.

Geraldo introduces a neighbor who's a suspicious-looking Muppet version of Geraldo. At first Geraldo doesn't get it and feigns anger at why such a man is living in a neighborhood filled with kids. As it sinks in, Geraldo rips the giant felt moustache off of his Muppet doppelganger's face. Chaos and burlesque music ensue.)

(Cut to yet another interstitial of Sean Hannity re-creating the old bit of the chef holding ten cream pies who falls down a series of precarious stairs.)

(Cut to Sean Hannity again who's on the set of his show and who we find out just daydreamed he was the 10 pie man. The dream reveals Alan Colmes' protruding leg that was apparently the culprit behind the fall. Both Hannity & Colmes laugh and shake hands with one another.

Guests on Hannity's show: The red & blue "Yep/Nope" aliens who refuse to agree with anything Hannity says about them representing the red and blue states. Hannity points out that one extra white alien would make a trio displaying the colors of our flag. The aliens uniformly "Yep" away as they realize their new patriotic duty for being on Earth.)

(Cut back to wrap-up scenes from The Street...)

As we left Bob who heard singing at Oscar's can, we see Oscar and Bill O'Reilly singing "I Love Trash" arm in arm. Oscar explains to Bob that he and O'Reilly are now brothers in arms. We find out O'Reilly will go after the sanitation department for not replacing Oscar's can in over 40 years with an upscale garbage receptacle. It'll be the headliner story on the "O'Reilly Factor" the next night in place of the story about Sesame Street parodying Fox News with Pox News.

Beck apologizes to Alan that he said the sky was falling. Beck also tells Big Bird & Elmo that it's impossible for the sky to fall...although to watch out for the unemployed on Sesame Street who might rebel and steal Big Bird's nest. Beck winks at Big Bird and Elmo to say he's only kidding, kinda sorta.

Glenn Beck proceeds to look into the camera and tells the viewer that the show today was brought to you by the letter P, the number 10, 4 and the letter G. He then holds up a copy of Thomas Paine's book "Common Sense" and tell kids to go pick up a copy at Amazon.com today. Before a director's hand off-camera grabs him, Beck looks suspiciously around his shoulder and darts off back to Fox News.

O'Reilly decides to stay for dinner in Oscar's can. In intended future episodes, O'Reilly joins "Sesame Street" as a regular after getting a pink slip from Fox News. He takes a downgrade in pay scale to become the new owner of Hooper's Store where Talking Points are not only talked about but eaten.

And a new consolidated era for "Sesame Street's" next 40 years is written...