Setting Boundaries with Family and Friends During the Holidays

Although the holidays usually bring up images of family joy and fun, for many people they can cause anxiety. With so many different personalities forced to be together it's understandable how some people with difficult family members can dread holidays. That's why healthy boundaries need to be set with others, as well as yourself before the holidays even begin.

Setting Boundaries With Yourself

The holidays are times when boundaries need to be particularly enforced for those who struggle with self control. This can be anything from overeating to overspending. Write out how much money you plan to spend or the number of calories you should consume for each day, including holiday parties. Then follow through with the plan.

Setting Boundaries With Children

First, boundaries must be age-appropriate. For example, for younger children setting a boundary can be as simple as deciding how much "Santa" will spend on them and then not going over the limit if they ask for something unrealistic. Parents should let children know what to expect in gifts, besides what parents expect regarding their behavior. Then follow through with consequences if they cross a boundary.

As for grown children, boundaries can be just as important. Again, sit down with grown children and let them know what mom and dad will or will not do. This is because sometimes adult children can take advantage of parents such as using them too often for babysitting or expecting them to bail them out when they need extra money for holiday expenses.
Setting Boundaries With Grandparents

Grandparents mean well, but sometimes a grandparent can tempt a grandchild to cross one of the boundaries set by the child's parents such as eating candy just before dinner. Gently explain the rules to the grandparents before they arrive.

Although most grandparents are good examples for children, some may not be shining adult role models for young children. For example, if a grandparent has different moral standards than a parent does, the parent should let Grandma know that she doesn't want her children exposed to Grandma's lifestyle such as allowing a child sleep overnight when there's a live-in "friend" of the opposite sex.

Setting Boundaries with Addicted People

Holidays can be exceptionally stressful if a family member is addicted to alcohol. If family members with a drinking problem are coming over, inform them alcohol won't be offered. What's more, insist that they can't bring their own bottles. Parents with children who are planning to visit a relative who is an alcoholic should warn the alcoholic relative that the family plans to leave if the drinking gets out of control.

Loved ones of alcoholics and addicts to refrain from rehashing old examples of how the alcoholic/addict has let the family down as this only provokes anger. If something is said that triggers an argument, stay calm and remember to enforce the boundaries. Be prepared to leave before more harm is done.

Most importantly, families who have loved ones with an addiction problem can find a local Alanon support group and attend meetings regularly. It's there that they learn to take care of themselves, setting boundaries while they release their addicted loved ones.

Finally, families should lower their holiday expectations. It's easy to over anticipate, hoping everything will run perfectly just because it's the holiday season. Not many families have a Normal Rockwell family Christmas. In other words, be realistic about what to expect.

Originally published on Suite 101.