Setting Limits on your Children

With so much written in recent years about children's right to express themselves and make their own decisions, many parents are confused about their role and have lost sight of their own rights. Perhaps we are now in the midst of a transition period in which the pendulum has swung too far. Many adults feel that they were raised with too much authority and repression; some may have over compensated by not being firm enough with their own children.

Meanwhile, children have become increasingly more demanding. In some cases their demands are accompanied by disrespect for grown ups. A contributing factor, certainly, is the decline in respect for authority among many adults. Whether it's the crimes of the drug dealers, savings and loan officials, street gangs or high rolling stock brokers, we are constantly reminded that many of our fellow citizens show little respect either for the law or for one another.

Parents do have rights. Unfortunately, many have gradually given away their rights in an effort to appear reasonable and fair minded to their children. Now they must regain their rights through concerted action. Parents who have allowed their children to manipulate them, use them, humiliate them and degrade them are facing a particularly difficult challenge.

Self respect is the key to regaining your rights as parents. If you don't respect yourself - as a person or as a parent - you are especially susceptible to feelings of guilt. Without adequate self respect, it is easy to imagine that all of the problems and disappointments your child experiences are your fault. This guilt - an exaggerated sense of responsibility for your child's feelings - may easily lead you to apologize to them whenever they fuss or complain about anything. Soon these apologies are followed by favors, reparations or bribes of one kind or another, as you attempt to compensate for their assumed losses.

This is an especially dangerous approach to parenting. Once you begin compensating your children for their unhappiness, whether you imagine you caused it or not, you encourage them to regard themselves as victims entitled to compensation. This produces a pattern of exploitation known as emotional blackmail in which your children threaten to be unhappy and accuse you of being a bad parent unless you give them exactly what they demand.

Parents who are particularly sensitive to guilt feelings are an easy mark for their children's exploitation and emotional blackmail.

Begin reclaiming your rights by acting with confidence. Stop apologizing to your children every time they complain. Begin acting with confidence and conviction. Guide your children from your principles, not from your emotions. Put their need for firm and consistent guidance ahead of your need to be loved and accepted.