Seven Steps Toward Avoiding Conflict with Your Spouse About Discipline

Marriage can be tough. Two people living together with different personalities, viewpoints, points of reference, experience and opinions. One of the most important disagreements that occur in a marriage is how to handle the discipline of the children. Some parents believe, spare the rod - spoil the child. Some parents think time out; some take away privileges, and some just let the behavior happen with the hope and thought that it will just work itself out. What do you do when one parent thinks, spank and another parent believes in another form of discipline? How do you avoid arguments with your spouse about this topic? The subject of discipline is one of the most controversial and personal topic to many people, so how can people with so many differences work these differences out.

First, it is important that both parents, regardless of their discipline preferences be educated on what are considered normal behaviors for infants and children. Different discipline techniques are required for infants/toddlers, pre-schoolers, school age and teens. Discipline can not be a one-size fits all proposition and only by understanding the physical, mental and emotional development of your child can you choose those discipline techniques that are most effective at any given age.

Secondly, parents should be aware of all the different discipline techniques available to them - and make up a few of their own. Consistency is important and if you discipline for a specific behavior it is important that you and your spouse continue to use that same discipline technique again and again so that your child will know what to expect and when the discipline will occur; which by the way is not, "When your father/mother gets home." There are so many techniques available: spanking (or whatever you want to call it - some form of physical contact to discourage a given behavior); time-outs, taking privileges or favorite toys away, positive reinforcement, rewarding correct behaviors, alone time, and discussion or communication between the parent and child over what behavior was inappropriate. But your options are not limited to these techniques. Take some time to make some up of your own. Go online, read books and magazines, ask other parents for some creative ideas that you can try. Many libraries, non profit organizations and even Babies R Us offer free parenting classes, take advantage of these opportunities. The more choices that you and your spouse have available to you before you reach an agreement on different discipline techniques; the more likely that you actually will reach an agreement. With so many options available to you and your spouse it is much easier to reach a compromise that all parents can find acceptable.

Communication between parents is the most important aspect when deciding on discipline styles. If you have a very strong feeling about a specific discipline technique, share this opinion very clearly with your spouse. Try not to allow emotion to rule your conversation. Don't say, "I would rather we didn't (insert whatever discipline here). This still provides for the opportunity to do that technique; however as you did not specifically state that it is an unacceptable discipline technique to you. You both want the same thing. You both want your children to grow up safe, healthy, strong, smart, independent and able to make the right choices. If you talk to your spouse and explain your reasons for choosing to eliminate certain techniques from your family's discipline system, make sure that you allow your spouse the same courtesy. Your spouse may make some points about the discipline technique that you didn't know or never thought of.

After your discussions, create a chart of behaviors and consequences. Hang the chart where it can be easily referenced by both parents and children. If the children are too young (for example toddlers) it can simply serve as a reference point for parents when they are solely responsible for discipline. If the children are a little older use pictures and explain to them the actions and consequences. Parents should determine a system, for example so many warnings, before a consequence occurs. By providing a reference point after an open and frank discussion each parent now can actively be involved in the discipline of the children and it is less likely that parents will become involved in the parent version of "good cop, bad cop." Discipline and parenting needs to be a partnership and you would not develop a business partnership without establishing ground rules, why should your marriage and children partnership be any different.

It is essential that if you disagree with your spouses' discipline style that you discuss it with them after the discipline occurs and not within hearing of the children. Of course, if you feel that your spouse may be reacting in anger or not acting in a safe manner towards the children, then interfere. But if the discipline is simply just not what you think is the "right" one and your children is safe from harm, then discuss it later. Children can sense the dissension and take advantage of that opportunity to escalate the tension between the parents and actually sometimes turn the situation to their benefit. Teenagers are great at redirecting the discipline technique, calling on one parent or another to interfere. After all, how often have parents of teenagers heard something like, "Mom, dad took away the keys to the car, now you will have to drive me to this and this and this and this and this." We all know this is just an attempt to maneuver the situation to their advantage, so don't fall for it.

If you and your spouse have difficulty reaching an agreement on inappropriate behaviors and the consequences then each parent should lead by example. Maybe by showing your spouse that your preferred method or methods are consistent, fair and effective you can win them over so that both of you participate in the same techniques. But if an agreement can not be reached, a compromise must be, so that parents are not constantly bickering over what should or should not be done, thus loosing sight of the behavior and consequences itself. Remember in some cases there are more of "them" than there are of "you" and a united front from the parents is necessary.

On the subject of "spanking," each person has their feelings for or against. Sometimes these feelings are justified. Sometimes spanking is nothing but a "quick fix" for a parent to use when they are not accustomed to being the primary caregiver or disciplinarian. Do not fall into that trap-if you or your spouse does not believe in spanking, then you must respect those feelings. Nothing can be more harmful to both the child and the marriage than to have the parents be so conflicted by the subject of spanking and parents should closely examine their reasons for and/or against this technique before insisting that it is or is not an accepted discipline method.

There are not many things more personal or harmful to a marriage than disagreements on the big topics of money, children and discipline. In order to avoid irreparable harm to your marriage make sure you take the extra time to educate and communicate both you and your spouse before making any decisions regarding this very personal and sensitive topic that affects not only your marriage, but your children.