Seven Substitutes for the Seven Words You Can't Say on Television

The amount of profanity present in our culture today is astounding. When I was young, if a student uttered a swear word in class that student would be sent to the office and, depending on the word in question, receive a suspension. Today, profanity is so prevalent that teachers in elementary school are now using it in front of their students. When my son first mentioned that his teachers would sometimes use profanity, I was saddened but not shocked.

Rather than write an article blasting profanity and those who use it, I will instead offer some replacements for the most offensive words. In a famous comedy routine, comedian George Carlin listed seven words that you are not allowed to say on television. The words are:

1) A word describing feces that rhymes with spit.

2) A word describing urine that rhymes with miss.

3) A word describing the act of sex that rhymes with truck.

4) A word describing female genitalia that rhymes with punt.

5) A word describing fellatio performed on a man that rhymes with clockbucker(okay, so "clockbucker" is not a word, but I couldn't think of a real word that rhymed with it)

6) A word describing a person who engages in sex with one's female parent that rhymes with otherpucker(again, not a real word).

7) A word describing female breasts that rhymes with pits.

If, for whatever reason, you are having trouble decoding these words(or wish to learn more about Carlin and his routine), you can click here.

Okay, so we have seven of the most common offenders. Here are my alternatives:

For word number 1, substitute "high fructose corn syrup". As word number 1 is a pretty accurate description of what high fructose corn syrup is, it's a pretty decent replacement. If you find the phrase too long, just substitute "fruc"(I understand that "fruc" might cause a little confusion, as it is similar to word number 3, but perhaps that will add to the force of the word). As word number 1 is often followed by the word "head", you can call somebody a "fruc head" without actually swearing.

For word number 2, substitute "Starbucks". For connoisseurs of fine coffee, the connection between word number 2 and Starbucks is quite obvious. For those who have been blessed with never having drank a beverage from the ubiquitous coffee franchise, let's just say they're in the same league as that five-year-old freeze dried instant coffee rotting at the back of your pantry somewhere.

For word number 3, substitute "marry". I chose this word in hopes of causing confusion among those who use word number 3 to attempt to engage in sex where it is inappropriate. Somehow, "Come on, your parents aren't home, let's marry!" kinda kills the mood, don't you think?

For word number 4, substitute "Palin"(or Hilary, depending on your political views). I feel it is always better to cite an example of a bad word than the word itself. As politicians in general are a bunch of fruc heads, I have no problem with using them as examples.

For word number 5, try "bailout recipient". Also a worthy substitute is "sub-prime lender". Believe me when I tell you I would much rather be called word number 5 than either of these two substitutes.

For word number 6, I suggest "used car salesman". If you have ever dealt with one of these slimy, low-life, bailout-recipient, Starbucks-drinking bums, you know that calling one of them word number 6 is an insult to all the word number 6's out there.

Word number 7 is not a putdown, coarse way to describe sex, or distasteful description of bodily waste, but is rather an off-color way of describing something that is actually very beautiful. With this in mind, I would suggest something innocuous, like "pupil magnets". That way a girl can quite properly mention to a guy "I notice you're staring at my pupil magnets" without appearing cheap or sluttish.

If the words I have suggested sound dumb to you, imagine how dumb and inarticulate you sound using the words they replace. Oh, and if you're using those words solely to be mean, then go marry yourself.