Seven Tips for Dealing with Law Enforcement

I've never been a big fan of the police. Not on a personal or professional level mind you. I respect what they do and appreciate when they are there to help me. It's just that there have been occasions when they have become unwelcome inhibitors to what would otherwise be good clean fun. More than a few times I've found myself trying to explain the basis of my actions, hoping that they would agree with my outstanding logic, and allow me to spend the night in the bed of my choosing. More often than not, I've been successful at this. Not every time, but whadareyagonnado? Nobody's perfect. Allow me to impart a few bits of wisdom I've acquired over the years. You never know when it might come in handy.

There is a time to be funny, and there is a time to not be funny.

I learned this lesson one beautiful fall night in Washington DC. Legs spread with palms on the trunk, my friend next to me sharing the same posture. Each with our own personal uniformed masseuse, while three other officers tore through my car looking for (I believe) spare change. At this time, my friend looked over to me and laughingly said "Hey, this chick cop is rubbing my b*lls!" Now I can't say that he was completely incorrect. The officer was a woman, and she was searching him, but of the many different statements or even non-statements he could have picked at that moment, I believe he chose unwisely. A slightly more reserved demeanor was probably the better way to go.

A little cooperation goes a long way.

There have been many instances in my dealings with our Boys in Blue in which a cooperative attitude has allowed me to continue on my merry way. I've found that The Man will give you far more leeway if you are polite and take their initial recommendations into consideration. For example; If you find yourself given the option to dump your beer out and head on in to the Henry Rollins concert, the correct choice is to dump the beer on the ground. Not into your mouth, or onto the officer's shoes. Fortunately, I had learned this previously and missed not a minute of the show. My lesser life-educated friend was not so lucky. Sadly, we weren't given the opportunity to resell his ticket.

Yes, your taxes pay their salary. No, they don't care you know this.

Really, there isn't much more to say about this. But, if you do find yourself feeling the urge to demonstrate your amazing breadth of knowledge regarding the inner workings of government, please refrain. Your taxes also paid NIH close to a half million dollars to study why men don't like to wear condoms. Let it go.

Choose your friends wisely.

If you have a friend that tends to trend towards the obnoxious when under the influence of his favorite adult beverages, you might be better off avoiding him when imbibing.

I once had a friend that morphed into Joe Marine while in the Corp. He was a MARINE! OO-RAH! (He later became a DRUNK, a COKE-HEAD and is now a BORN AGAIN, guy just couldn't do anything in moderation) Anyway, it seemed like whenever we went out he was getting into fights. We'd just be having a few pops, chatting up girls, dancing, and the next thing you know, he's throwing down for who knows why, and we'd be stuck getting him out of trouble. The last straw was when he started mouthing off from the passenger seat to the Flat Foot leaning in my window. Sorry, if I'm gonna get a wood shampoo, I would prefer it to be the results of my actions. Punt friends like this. You can get more.

No, at this moment, he doesn't have anything better to do.

You may not realize this, but traffic stops aren't walks in the park for Johnny Law either. You know that you're a normal person and that you have no intention of shooting it out over a 50 dollar speeding ticket, but Five-o can never be 100 percent sure. Seriously, you've been out there, people are nuts. Because of this knowledge, I've received more warnings than I can count just by being friendly and having my license and registration ready. Believe me, The Fuzz appreciate it, and it works. Besides, you know you were speeding Donkey. Suck it up.

Note: While still in the process of writing this article I received yet another warning at a speed trap on the Eastern Shore of Maryland. How do you like them apples?

Miss? Are you here voluntarily?

For some reason, I've found myself hearing this question on more occasions than I would like. Unfortunately, this query normally comes as you and your partner of the moment find yourselves trying to quickly locate the correct clothing items to cover the corresponding parts of your anatomy. Politeness, and even sheepishness is definitely in order here. Happily accept admonishment or even your ticket for "Doing a private thing in a public place" (Yes, one ticket actually said that), and get the hell out of Dodge. Did you know that you could end up on the National Sex Offender Registry for being nekkid* on the beach with your wife? I was informed of this little tidbit as I signed for a small fine. Disaster avoided, due to acting with proper contriteness. Learn from this people.

*Nekkid; Sans clothing, and up to something. Personal definition.

When all else fails.

So, let's say you've tried everything and McGarrett has told Dan-o to book you anyway. This is where your cooperative attitude can still be a help to you. I've heard many a Judge ask the arresting officer whether the Perp was cooperative and even their opinion of them as a person. The last thing you want a Judge to hear is, "Your Honor, Mr. Smith was combative, repeatedly used profanity, and even tried to spit on me." How do you think that's gonna go over come sentencing? Remember, cops have to appear in court on their off-days. It's better not to be a d***head and give them motivation to show. No cop, no crime.

In conclusion.

As I said in the beginning, I'm not a big fan of the police, but I do understand they are a necessary evil. I also understand that they don't write the laws, just enforce them. So if in the future, you happen to find yourself trying to explain the rationale of more than doubling the interstate speed limit on a motorcycle, while wearing only shorts and sneakers, try doing it in a polite and friendly fashion. You'll be surprised how many things you can actually get away with.