Sex and the Adoptive-Foster Dad

Living in Chaos
The phone rang every morning around 8:15 as our family psychologist called to debrief with my wife on the latest news from the night before. We had 5 teenagers in the house with our 6th, pregnant, living about one mile away and frequently calling for advice. Each of the kids was adopted out of foster care at different ages.

The summer of 2006 was a gut-wrenching time as I worked a commission-only sales job in the housing industry with home improvements on the downswing. We had just welcomed a 19-year-old into our family who begged us to let him take him in so he wouldn't be homeless. He was the brother by birth to our youngest daughter. The Regional Center who was supposed to be caring for him made little effort to find him alternative housing as he was being kicked out of his third group home since turning 18. When he came in to our house he brought along a "mentor" who was mostly frustrated with the lack of cooperation. My wife had to serve as mediator between the two. We also hired a respite worker who needed constant guidance from us.

Our oldest son was sneaking off to drink and often coming back drunk in the middle of the night. When he wasn't sleeping, he was on the computer downloading videos after we went to bed. Then he would sleep until late morning or noon. He would often blame us for trying to control him.

Our youngest daughter, in special education, was frequently suspended during 8th grade and she fussed every morning getting ready for summer school. She threw screaming tantrums in the afternoons over the type of snack she felt she should have. She was ready to yell and fight with any of the other kids. They were ready and willing to fight with her.

Our other teenage guardian was also impossible to motivate. When he wasn't sleeping, he was complaining about the food, or having to wake up, or wanting a ride to go play with friends. Or else he was sneaking expensive running shoes into the home. He showed little interest in getting his Grade Point Average above a "D."

Our 17-year-old, soon to turn 18, was getting ready to start his senior year of high school and he was intent on graduating with honors. We wanted to provide a positive and as normal a senior year as possible.

There were 2 - 3 psychology appointments per week, pre-natal visits, and I had walked away from most of my volunteer activities. My wife and I would go to bed each night emotionally exhausted and I often lay awake feeling lonely while she drifted off to sleep only to start the routine again when the sun rose. 5 out of 6 of the kids had some form of mental illness or developmental delay.

The Daily Grind
Each morning, we spent a few minutes reading the Bible and even finding moments to try and pray together before the kids stirred. She had to put together the morning medications for each of the kids, prepare their morning drinks, and then go through the effort to wake them up and move them through each step of living including brushing their teeth and putting on clean clothes. Meanwhile, I printed off my appointments for the day, gathered my materials and drove off for several hours trying to close sales.

We had been married more than 18 years and we were hardened adoptive-foster veterans, but I felt something deep was lacking. Inside, I wanted to ease the pressures through sexual adventures but I felt there was no way to include my wife.

We saw our family psychologist about once every two weeks to four weeks to debrief on the needs of the kids. I remember in one session complaining my wife was parenting 24 hours a day and it left little time for us. He remarked why she needed to parent that often and I knew why. I couldn't argue. Yet, I felt stuck and hopeless in our relationship. Home life was exhausting and I was beginning to resent her, the kids and the various professionals crashing in on every free moment. I wanted to stop attending church and withdraw completely.

Seeking a Sexual Escape
I thought about seeking an affair online. It seemed so inviting to have someone who would listen to you and escape the pressures of daily life. But the logical reality of finding a secret place, the time, the communication going back and forth and trying to hide the tracks made me cringe. What could I do to have intimacy in our marriage with the constant noise surrounding us?

Making the Choice for Romance
I don't remember any specific steps I took until the Fall. Here is what I did:

#1 I accepted the fact that I would have to initiate any sexual moments between me and my wife. I decided I would have to take "leadership" in this area. I also began to see her as part of my fantasy world as well instead of separating her from my thoughts.

#2 I once had thought she and I were sexually incompatible but I decided to enjoy seeing what she wanted and would accept. I began to massage her on a regular basis.
In the past, when she was tired I would simply sigh and we'd fall asleep. The weekends went by and the rigors of the week started again. But now, when she was tired, I would get out the massage oil and simply let my hands relax her. Then I would talk to her in a soft, loving way.
If the t.v. was loud in the other room, I could generally ask the kids to turn it down and I would turn up our cd player which had Pachabel Canon, Bach or some other romantic music playing.

#3 I wrote to her erotically and from my heart. Our outside circumstances didn't change but my attitude slowly began improving. I printed off several different brief pieces I wrote to her onto decorative paper, bought a photo album, decorated it and gave it to her as my Christmas present.
She loved it.

#4 I talked to her about the need to occasionally have a date in an inexpensive motel and my need to get out of the house. We decided to get a room overnight between Christmas and New Years. In the past, she always felt pressured because she had to make all the arrangements for the kids. I helped her as I could.

Now as we approach our 20th wedding anniversary, I feel our sexual intimacy is rejuvenated, in fact more powerful than ever, and balance has come back to our life. Regardless of the challenging circumstances we face, the ties between us are strong.