Sex Advice for the Modern Day Woman: Questions About Sex Every Woman Must Ask Herself

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all walks of life. It consists of the seven most often asked questions of women relationships and sexual life. All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
Ask your boyfriend.
1. If he says yes, he means no. Yes always means no.
2. If he says yes and is aware that he really means no, he is probably gay. This is especially true is your boyfriend is cute.
3. If he says you're not ready for sex, he doesn't mean yes. He just means he has a small penis and you don't turn him on. This is NOT your fault. Your boyfriend is probably gay. To test, take him shopping and see if he gripes. If he bitches, he must be straight and you must be ugly.

Should I have sex on the first date?
Only if you're dating one of the following: Brad Pitt, Leonardo Decaprio, Val Kilmer, or Tom Cruise. If you're not dating any of these men, don't have sex until cloning is legalized.

What exactly happens during the act of sex?
If you're banging one of the above mentioned men, see sex scenes (Legends of the Fall, Titanic, The Doors, Jerry Maguire) If not and you decide to have sex anyway, only do everything the man wants you to do if he makes six figures or more. Refuse the temptation to measure his penis. Only agree to use whip cream after you've unloaded the camera. If he mentions jello, tell him to go screw Bill Cosby. If he does, see question one, section 2.

How long should the sex act last?
Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed if the act of sex is over before the commercial break during a sporting event. Avoid sex during the Superbowl. The commercials are much more enjoyable. If your man has the tendency to go to the bar after sex, start having sex at the bar. Then afterwards, he'll go home.

What is "afterplay"?
This is a slang term referring to an instant replay in some sports. It has nothing whatsoever to do with sex, unless you tape your sex, at which time your neighbors might want to see an "afterplay" of Bill Cosby rubbing jello on your man's nether regions.

Does the size of the penis matter?
Yes! Definitely yes!
Oh, I'm sorry, I read that wrong. I thought it said bank account.
So... does the size of the penis matter?
Only if you're dating Jiminy Cricket.

What about the female orgasm?
This question depends on question number 2. If number 2 isn't happening with any of the four men, call Bill Cosby. I hear he's great with Jello.