Sex and the City 2: New Low in New York

If you haven't seen Sex And The City 2 yet, I'd highly advise you to save your cash. There are much better things you could do with your money: buy a dozen candy bars, burn bills for fleeting warmth, or stuff it down a sleeping hobo's pants to see what happens. If you do decide to go see the movie, don't say I didn't warn you: This movie is pure trash. It's not even the "I can't tear my eyes away from this crap!" kind of awesomely bad trash either. It's pure "I can't bear to look at it" garbage, pure and simple. This movie is a disgrace to the Sex and the City 2 franchise, and even a Tim Gunn cameo couldn't save it.

I've watched every single episode of the television series, more than once, and I did, unfortunately, see the first Sex and the City movie was well. I didn't go into this expecting to see a high-brow art film, of course, but I expected something engaging! Perhaps a little conflict beyond a braless Irish nanny ("Erin Go Braless") and a husband who'd rather sit on the couch watching a movie than going to some lameass movie premiere (like last night's SATC2, perhaps?). The writers of Sex and the City 2 have clearly never grasped the concept of plot: someone does _____ (blank) because they want _______ (blank). Instead, we have someone bitches about a bunch of stupid crap because they clearly have nothing better to do. Oh, if you do manage to sit through the whole thing (I had help in the form of a fellow hater; we trash-talked for the last hour, apparently ruining the movie for our friends. Whatever.), you will catch a smidge of conflict towards the end, but mostly, it's dull, slow, and insipid.

Sex and the City 2 is so self-conscious and totally aware of itself throughout; like it's thinking "Yeah, we're from Sex and the City, and you're going to see this movie anyway so why should we bother to make something good?" The overload of puns is almost painful -- clearly the writers spent more time on thinking up "clever" puns than thinking about the fact that a movie without any action or conflict whatsoever is a disaster waiting to happen. When the ladies travel to Abu Dhabi, a bunch of crappy Middle Eastern puns (think: "he can be the king of my labia") probably gave the writers a chance to use up all the puns they had ever thought about the Middle East.

I've been racking my brains trying to figure out what the hell the point of this movie was. I mean, sure there's the whole a glimpse into the lives of some of our favorite television characters thing, but if there wasn't a plot, surely there was some kind of point. The best I can figure is that the ladies were hoping for a female empowerment kind of vibe, which is why Samantha managed to avoid a death penalty for pissing off a crowd of religious dudes in Abu Dhabi. When the ladies are saved by a bunch of women in black hijabs, the Arab women tell the ladies how happy they were to see the disrespect. They then reveal themselves to be wearing couture fashion between their robes & to be reading a Suzanne Somers book that Samantha had earlier said to be her favorite. (Did Somers pay for the plug?) Naturally, the ladies end up in veils and hilarity (?) ensues when they lose Charlotte and have to find her by her shoes.

The other possible point is that perhaps the writers thought the Middle East was a timely issue and so by having the ladies visit Abu Dhabi, they could dispel (or further entrench) myths about the Middle East. Oh, look how honest that guy was when he returned Carrie's passport. So kind! Oh, how fabulous that Samantha's slave boy was gay & hadn't be murdered for the proclivity. How open-minded! Oh, how wonderful that the women saved Samantha from certain imprisonment after she waved around a bunch of condoms while dressed like a tramp. And, doesn't she look great for her age? (Sure, if you don't look at the MAC drag queen makeup slathered on her face!)

The thing that really, really sucked about this movie is that it actually had potential! I mean, there are tons of women who loved the series, so obviously there's something engaging there -- more than the shoes and fashion, natch. This movie had parts that almost, but not quite, made it: when Charlotte nearly freaked out on her daughter after the red-hands slap on her vintage Valentino skirt, when Samantha was arrested for public nudity, when Carrie met Aidan in Abu Dhabi, and when Miranda quit her job. These brief scenes gave the ladies a chance to transcend from shallow, rich bitches into something real, but for whatever reason, the movie decided not to go there. The incident with the kids was brushed off, Samantha got a get-out-of-jail free card, Carrie decided to tell Big about her (hardly) indiscretion, and Miranda just faded into the background. And the drama with Samantha's arrest and break down in the Abu Dhabi streets came way, way too late to save the movie: just ten minutes from the end and we finally get a little conflict. It was like all of a sudden someone thought, "Oh shit, nothing happened in this movie" and just added it in, but the conflict would have been better placed much, much earlier in the film.

And let's just talk about the sex part of Sex and the City 2 for a minute: where the hell was the sex? Okay, Samantha got laid, as usual, though her old lady tits were notably absent from the scenes. But the three married ladies, Carrie Preston (nee Bradshaw), Miranda Hobbes, and Charlotte Goldenblatt (nee York -- don't get me started on her refusal to use her married name while in the middle east because "it's the middle east" hush hush jewishness), don't get anywhere near a bedroom; which seems a little ridiculous given the title of the movie. What, Samantha's the only one who can still get some? And what's up with Carrie freaking out over the kiss with Aidan? She's, what, 50, and she's acting like a 12-year-old girl? Lame. This movie coulda used a lot more sex, a lot less whining, and about 45 minutes of editing cuts. 2 hours and 26 minutes of my life wasted. If there's a Sex and the City 3, and I sure hope there isn't, I'm so not going.