Sex & Relationships

Sex to some of us is like breathing. It just is - natural, flowing, a rather simple nuance of life. To others it is something to be thought about, worried on, deciphered and mutilated. The nature of sex should have made it something that never needed talked about, or displayed daily for the masses.

Sex is a large part of a healthy romantic relationship. If you are close to your partner and enjoy each others company, are bonded intellectually, love each others wit, care about each others feelings...why then is sex important? Because sex is the ultimate bonding, something you do together that (normally) includes no other person, a time when the rest of the world does not matter, nor do others preconceived ideas of you, or all the problems and daily battles of survival - a moment between two people no one else is supposed to share. Through sex you can create a special intimacy shared only between the two of you, release the tensions of the day and create energy to survive another. And face it, without this final intimacy...you are just friends (and if you have sex, you are no longer just friends).

So why do so many relationships suffer in the sex department? Because too many people have turned sex into a commodity and a power play, a way to control, dominate, hurt, and get "revenge" on the person they chose as a partner. To understand why this happens we have to look at the dynamics of men and women and our basic inability to actually communicate and both sexes inability to see the true beauty of sex. Let's look at it from both "sides".

The biggest complaint you will hear from a man in his relationship/marriage is the lack of sex. What men don't realize, often women will be complaining about the same thing! Perception is a huge issue. The old saying "It takes two to tango" is very true. Before simply deciding your spouse/lover is under sexed, mean, or just downright evil, you have to take a good look at yourself and your behaviors. Men can crawl in next to a warm body and the need they have to unwind and just feel is capable of obliterating an entire day of hell. After all, sex is all about feeling, release, and energy, three things men don't spend hours analyzing but just... need. Men don't care if their woman just called them an asshole three hours earlier or even ten minutes before. They still want sex.

Here's a clue guys. Women...do care that you called them a bitch even twelve hours earlier. They do care that you said something mean and it festers in their mind. Women are basically self conscious and everything you do to make them feel bad builds up. Men will let themselves go to physical hell with their guts hanging over their jeans and their butt crack peeking up for sunshine, yet will never let a woman forget she may have lost some of her looks. Guys! Get a grip! When you are slathering over some "hot" chick and making comments that emphasize your lover's "flaws", checking out the airbrushed fake renditions in magazines and movies...are you really surprised your spouse suddenly wants to hide her body? Duh.

If you are treating other women like gold in front of your spouse/lover, while treating your lover with indifference, disdain, rudeness, or any other negative behavior...don't expect to go home and get laid. It just isn't going to happen. Your woman's hurt attitude is "You want her...go get her and get the hell away from me!" Because to us, if you treat someone the way we want treated, then you must want them. While in your Neanderthal brain the reality is you don't feel the need to put on a show for your mate and you might even translate that to proof of your comfortable "love", but in the progressed world of women...it is proof you do not value what you have. Well, and women aren't stupid. They know when you do want the other woman, but here's another clue...your woman might be eyeballing another guy also. So you better be keeping her happy also since her chances are actually higher than yours of getting sex elsewhere just because of the very nature of men!

Ladies, sex is not a commodity you are supposed to "sell" your spouse or lover in return for their good behavior. You're not a prostitute who only gives sex for a reward. But I understand you also don't want to have sex with someone who treats you bad. Yet, the reality is, a happy man is more likely to treat you good (granted there are some men and women who are never happy no matter what!). It's the proverbial catch 22.

Men and women see things from their perspective but often forget to see it from each others. Men and women both have stress in their daily lives but unlike women, men often do not have the little episodes of steam release that women do. Face it. Women are much more honest about their feelings either by genetic make up or simply because society has allowed them to be. We cry when we want, talk about our feelings to our close friends (unlike men we are not always having to prove ourselves and our strength to each other), and find many other little methods to release stress. Men....can't.

Think about it. If a man breaks down and cries at work, no one is going to put it down to "Oh he is just having his monthly". No, people are going to be shaking their heads and thinking he might need to go see the company therapist. If he goes to coffee with his friends and starts telling them how he just doesn't understand the way his lover is treating him and how she hurt his feelings, his friends are going to say "Quit being a whiny bitch and just dump that ho bag!" The sympathy factor just does not hang out in crowds of men (should I mention this is usually the response women give each other also? Nah...).

So we get to stress release. Come on ladies. You don't want him drinking himself into a stupor. You don't want him beating the hell out of the ignorant neighbor next door who keeps parking on your lawn. You don't want him having sex with anyone else. You don't want him watching porno and attempting to release his own stress. So what's the deal? What exactly do you expect your guy to do? Explode?

Here's an epiphany. When you deny your spouse sex....you hurt not only him/her but yourself (yep don't get cocky men, some of you are just as guilty of denying sex as some women are!). SEX IS GOOD FOR YOU! Not only is it the best stress release imaginable, and the best way to connect with your lover in your own little world, it is actually good for your body! Sex burns calories, speeds up metabolism, exercises muscles and also relaxes muscles, boosts your immune system, supports production of youth promoting hormones...I could go on forever. To put it simply, what the hell else can relax you at night and create energy in the morning, free??? Who in their right mind would want to deny themselves?

Think of all the single people out there who don't have this wonderful, daily availability. Instead of thinking about withholding to "punish" or because you are too "tired", think in terms of NOT punishing yourself or cheating yourself. And guys-- quit being jackasses and maybe...you would get laid every day (those who have significant others). Ok, I know. It will take away your one thing you can whine about but really, what would be wrong with strutting your stuff as the happy, relaxed, well satisfied guy? Trust me...the other guys will be envious (must be rough to always be competing!).

Sex is not only for procreation or recreation. The beauty of sex is much deeper than that. It not only should connect two people in their own little world but also is the one medicine your body may ever need. Take your medicine!

If you are in a relationship and can not find the joy in sex...then it is time to be honest for both of your sake and say you don't have a relationship. You have a friendship, a hate-ship, or a contractual nightmare. It is time to ante up and make some changes instead of torturing two people and everyone around them. If you don't want your guy or your woman...then let them go. Quit keeping them around for a paycheck or a punching bag or an excuse. Women, quit using your children as leverage to keep a man in your house but not in your bed (and I don't mean just snoring). And if you withhold the cookie and he sneaks a nibble somewhere else...be honest with yourself. (But if he gets the whole damn cookie jar at home and wants it somewhere else...boot him out the door!)

If you are single, ladies...start looking at some of the other guys, the "good" guys, the not so pretty guys...you might be pleasantly surprised. You know, the guy you like to call "friend" and keep dangling on the line forever...either figure it out or let him go. Guys, quit being so damn stupid. You know that "hot" blonde on the top floor that looks like she could be in a magazine...she is NOT into you. Most likely, she is into herself. Start looking at real women, flesh and blood, sweat and tears...women. Quit being delusional and thinking your imperfect self should get a perfect woman. No one is perfect. Get over it.

And when you actually find someone...treat them with value and be nice for heaven's sake! After all..."A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go dowwwn...".... Yep you get the picture.

Sources: Personal Experience