Sex Scene Criticism: Titanic, Starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet

Titanic is probably your high school sweetheart's favorite movie. It won eleven Academy Awards, including Best Picture, and became the highest-grossing film of all-time after its release during the holidays of 1997 (1). It was an epic film in scope and ambition but most importantly in length -- the cut I saw in theater included at least a dozen characters who meant nothing to me, some atrocious overacting by Billy Zane, and (if I remember correctly) some time travel at the beginning and end of the film. I might have made that last one up -- between the time I sat down and when the closing credits finally rolled, I'd completed two separate baccalaureate degrees and had gone through the entire process of puberty. I'd stopped taking notes around during the movie's sixth week.

Granted, I can't argue with the success of James Cameron's masterpiece, but it seems that the only people who really, really enjoyed the film are women. Try to find a guy with a copy of Titanic on his DVD shelf -- it never happens. I wholeheartedly believe that the film's legacy would be far more enduring (its heart would go on, if you will) if the director had just put a little more effort into the sex scenes.

I know, I know... I'm a filthy pervert, and I clearly don't understand how beautiful the long and drawn-out courtship turned out on film. Well, I don't know about all that -- what I do know is that I spent forever waiting for the girl to take her clothes off, and when she finally did, it only lasted a few seconds. Oddly, this makes the night I saw Titanic a lot like the night I lost my virginity, with the charming exception that I didn't have to pay for dinner before the disappointing performance. What's worse is that Kate Winslet's only nude scene occurs in a completely different scene than the one where she and Leonardo DiCaprio actually get it on.

The whole thing really began when Billy Zane forbade Kate from hanging out with Leo. I know that Billy is proven to be a really bad guy (and a terrible shot with a pistol) a little later on, but I kind of sympathize with him on this stance. The facts, as Billy knew them at the time: first, Leo had saved Kate's life. Second, the two of them were spending their nights drinking and dancing together at wild parties held in the poorest part of the ship. Third, we're talking about Leonardo freakin' DiCaprio here. He may be a poor painter, but have you seen the guy? The dude has effortlessly perfect hair, and his eyes are so intense that...

Hey! You see what was happening there? Leo is so good-looking that it transcends gender and sexuality -- even I was getting a little flustered. I'm not normally a jealous or controlling guy, but even I'd have to think twice about letting my girl get tipsy and start dancing on Leo. At that point it wouldn't even be considered cheating when she slept with him. It would just be an inevitability.

Anyway, Billy after forbids her to see Leo, Kate seeks out her little painter friend at pretty much the next available opportunity. Somehow it's agreed that, instead of just having sex like we all know they're going to, Leo should waste his time performing a nude painting of her. So Kate comes out wearing a really ugly robe, which thankfully she drops to the floor pretty quickly, revealing... well, revealing about twenty frames' worth of naked breast. She clambers up onto a sofa to pose for the painting, and James Cameron does his level best to ensure that her nipples remain out of frame for more or less the rest of the scene. He pans down a couple of times so that we'll notice she's wearing the engagement present that Billy Zane bought for her -- a beautiful blue diamond with the unfortunate name "The Heart of the Ocean." Why would you buy one of the most expensive pieces of jewelry in the world and give it a name that sounds like a Huey Lewis jam? This question may forever go unanswered.

At this point, I'm mostly annoyed, but still willing to give the film a chance. We have an actress who's comfortable being nude on film -- it's been proven by the furtive glimpses of breast and butt that we've already been afforded. The question is whether our director loves us enough to give us a full show. Thankfully, after she's teased Leo in the "painting" scene, the two of them find an abandoned car below decks. That doesn't make much sense now that I'm writing it down, but I swear that's what happened. Anyway, Kate immediately hops into the back, because she knows what they're there for. Leo is a bit more confused about the situation, so he climbs into the front seat and begins acting out a monologue from Driving Miss Daisy. Well, not literally, but he does start poking fun at the class barrier which stands between the two of them. Which is sort of like the opposite of foreplay, but I guess it worked out all right -- Kate reaches into the front seat and pulls Leo to the back.

I just had a thought while I was re-watching this film. For research purposes, of course. Think back to the beginning of the relationship between these two characters: Kate is trying to commit suicide, and Leo comes along and saves her life. In every situation since then, Leo's had the opportunity to make a move, and has chosen not to do so. As time goes by, Kate is obviously getting more and more aggressive: they attend these backroom parties together, then Kate tries to get Leo tipsy and starts to dance with him, then she strips for him and asks him to paint her, and finally she's pulled him into the back seat of a car with her when all he wants to do is act out Amateur Night at the community theater. Even when they're in the back of the car together, Leo still doesn't do anything proactive. Kate starts kissing his fingers, and he's still as docile as a cow. Leo doesn't show the slightest sign of interest until Kate actively takes his hand and places it on her breast. Her fully clothed breast... thanks, James Cameron.

You may think it flippant of me to joke about this, but I'm almost certain that Kate Winslet's character is committing statutory rape against Leonardo DiCaprio. In fact, I believe that Leo isn't interested in these proceedings AT ALL -- he probably just let her do whatever she wanted to because he was afraid of rejecting her. After all, she was suicidal before she met him and fell in love with him. What's a girl like that going to do if he turns her down? I don't think murder-suicide is out of the question, and clearly, neither did Leo. This also explains the ending of the film. Why didn't Leo just get out of the water and share that plank of wood with Kate? Because he was afraid she was going to try to make love to him again, and he'd rather die than lose his dignity.

I'm sure some of you will consider my interpretation to be a stretch, but the next time this movie shows on TNT, try looking at it from my perspective. You'll have plenty of time to concentrate on this during the love-making scene in the car, since you won't actually be titillated by anything -- the director made sure that all you get to see is the exterior of the car. Thanks again, James Cameron. Anyway, the iconic image from the film might very well be when Kate Winslet's hand slaps against the interior of the steamed-up window in a fit of passion.

Unless you're like me, and you're convinced that it's Leonardo DiCaprio's hand. And he's trying to escape. *ominous music plays*

(1) = http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Titanic_(1997_film)