Sex and the Single Divorced Mom

OK so your marriage has ended. It sucks really. It is so difficult to accept and yet there is nothing you can do to change the fact that for whatever reason, your marriage is broken. It was so broken in fact, you could not fix what caused it to fall apart. The denial has come and gone. You have mustered the resolve to go through all the emotional hurdles necessary to get to that place of sobering acceptance. It is done. It is sad. It is hurtful. It is over. Now what?

You're no longer a married woman. You're no longer a wife. You're no longer the "better half". Damn you're no longer a half. It's just you sweetie. How do you feel?

If you are like most new single divorced moms, you're scared, intimidated, vulnerable, nervous, and still full of enough guilt to fill heaven and hell. You have babies and they are hurting. You are a good mom, so you empathize for these innocent little people you and your ex summoned to this earth. They cry, and you cry. They laugh, and you cry. They sleep, and you cry. They cry out for daddy, and you want to die.

OK so we all understand that we single divorced moms wear guilt like we wear our skin. It is just a part of who we are. We cannot escape it. We have children we feel we have wounded, irregardless of our innocence in terms of fault. The union that created them is no more. No matter how often we try to remind ourselves how necessary our divorce was, guilt persists like dust, its just there.

Somehow we intelligent women must find the courage to create balance in our lives. Our emotional health depends on our resilience to withstand the battles ahead. And oh darling, trust me, they have just begun.

Unfortunately the ego based, materialistic, superficial, fault finding, judgmental world we live in views the single divorced mom from a skewed angle. Because we are moms and we are single, we are judged more harshly than the single woman at the office who has no children at home waiting for her to cut the crust off of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Miss Sarah can openly discuss the contentment she found in the arms of her lover the night before, but the newly divorced Ms. Mary senses her need to conceal her truths. We single divorced moms aren't supposed to be sexual creatures anymore, or so society seems to seductively imply.

Give me a break.

Let's get real.

The fact is society tends to imply that we single moms are somehow no longer supposed to be women at all. Society tries to imply that because we are moms, we are moms. Hello?

When our husbands walked out our doors, did they somehow take our sexuality with them? Is that what society thinks? Because the hairy thighs we used to wrap our smooth ones around in bed every night, are no longer there, we somehow stop being women? Is this the unverbalized notion that fuels the gossip we hear when others notice the hot guy we are conversing with on the treadmill next to ours? Is this silly idea the reason others talk about us behind our back when they find out we dated the much younger guy? I mean come on now!

It is my experience that "others" including friends, family, co-workers, neighbors and acquaintances are uncomfortable with the concept of single moms and sex. It seems we are not supposed to crave male sexual energy. We are not supposed to want to be told how beautiful we are. We are not supposed to want to find warmth in the arms of a lover. We are not supposed to want to feel desired. We are not supposed to want to feel sexy. We are not supposed to want to please a man. We are not supposed to want to experience passion, or good old fashioned lust. No, we single divorced moms are supposed to sit at home, crochet blankets for our future grandchildren and sip chamomile tea while we fall asleep watching Law and Order. Shoot me please!

We single moms are judged discriminatingly. When we stop to chat with the cute guy at the gym, others take note. When we date the guy who turns out to be the wrong guy, others can't wait to pass judgment. When we laugh a little too loudly with the handsome guy at the deli counter, noses reach for the sky. When we find ourselves being courted by younger men, we are called names. When we wear the outfit today that didn't fit five years ago, we are gossiped about. Like a yellow fish in a sea of purple fish, we stand out, and others can not wait to remind us of that fact.

With all we single moms have to worry about, do we really need to have to deal with such arrogance from the others in our lives? Heck no, of course not.

It is right and good to celebrate the woman in all of us. It is natural to want to find balance in our lives through the relationships we can have with men. It is not fair for us to labor our healing with worries about what others think of us, or what we do. It is normal to wish to be reminded that we are women with female vulnerabilities and sexual desires. It is no ones business how we get our needs met, or who we choose to satisfy them, whether we satisfy them with the single guy from the deli or the with the guy on the treadmill. Our femininity is our business, and as long as we are not hurting anyone else, it is right to dismiss what others may think.

It is victorious to have needs and to have them met as a single divorced mom. It is courageous to take care of ones needs knowing others stand inches away with criticism ready to drip from their lips. It is satisfying to find contentment in the arms of a lover who appreciates the coldness that awaits you outside the door of his bedroom, and yet honors your vulnerabilities with respect. It is brave to fight the battle for balance in a world that seems so intent on weighing you down.

Our society is one that is fueled by gossip, whether it be at the local Volunteer Ambulance Corps., school office, the gym or celebrity magazines, gossip breathes. Unfortunately certain minds cannot help but point their fingers, stretch their necks, or hoist their noses at others. We single moms have our share of critics and always will. Know that it is heroic to be able to discern your truth from the opinions of others.

If you are a single mom who is struggling with all the worries that come with your new life, don't give up. Life gets easier. The more you are gossiped about the stronger you become because eventually you realize you can't change the ignorance of others. When that day arrives, you walk a little taller because you know that it is right to simply not care what arrogant minds seem to be chatting about, even if what stupidity is discussing is you. So stop ignoring that young handsome man that keeps smiling at you. Smile at the guy at the deli if you want to. Laugh louder the next time the man on the treadmill says something you find funny. At the end of the night, while you are checking homework, making lunches for the next day, folding socks and writing out the bills, know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Before you go to bed, kiss those angel babies of yours good night, take a deep breath and learn to be still.

Facing life alone as a single divorced mom is not for the faint of heart. You will be watched. You will be judged. You will be gossiped about. Your thoughts will fight themselves as you become more aware of the realities that come with your new life.

This is your life. This, as they say is not a dress rehearsal. Learn to accept the ignorance that is, and then discern your truth from it. Standing alone doesn't seem so scary once you learn that what others think, just isn't any of your business, not even when others try desperately to make you their business.