Sex Symbol: Hugh Laurie, Star of FOX's House

Actor Hugh Laurie, star of American medical mystery television drama type soap opera thingie, swears that the one thing he most certainly is not, is a sex symbol. The reason he knows this, he says, is because he's never been a sex symbol before. In his eyes, that proves it. He also blames it all on his character, Dr. Greg House. If Mickey Rooney were playing the part, Laurie says, he would be the one with sex symbol status.

Hugh Laurie obviously has no idea how this sex symbol thing actually works. Mickey Rooney doesn't have the eyes or that scary-naughty face to pull off Greg House. Just because Laurie's never used them properly before, doesn't mean he doesn't have "it." Whatever it is.

Whatever it is, it has made Hugh Laurie one of the most desirable men on American television today. Let's spend a few moments taking a look at "it" under a microscope, shall we? We'll just pretend it's one of Greg House's naughty little bugs.

First, let's look at the first thing people tend to notice about people-the face. It's not a bad face. In fact it's just the sort of face this writer tends to like-middle-aged and long. And scowling. I do like a good scowl. I would say British, but since Hugh Laurie is British and Greg House isn't, that's kind of a moot point. Laurie has mastered the art of moving his features in decidedly un-British ways. He's also mastered the art of moving his voice in decidedly un-British ways.

There is power in the eyes. That sounds much too cheesy, but it's true. Greg House's eyes are intense. They penetrate. That would be a bad thing if Hugh Laurie were some guy hanging out on a street corner. A gaze like that would make most women run home to their...do women run home to their mommies? Anyway, they would run. I would run, and I'm the one writing the article. But, since House is a nice, safe television character, and the chance of him stepping into your living room are almost nil, we can sit back and enjoy the penetrating cobalt stare. Well, maybe not nice.

OK, "penetrating cobalt stare" gets the Cheese Award. But you know what I mean.

Second, Hugh Laurie has got a nice body. Period. I won't say too much about that, except that it's there, and that I found a lovely naked picture of it online yesterday, because nice bodies are a dime a dozen, and everything else is much more interesting anyway.

Third, there's the leg. And the cane. Not that I have a handicap fetish. (OK, I've had a thing for Captain James Hook of "Peter Pan" since long before I knew what a "thing" was, but I would have felt exactly the same way if he'd had both hands, although I never would have been able to tell so many dirty jokes about him. I don't discriminate.) But there is something a bit rough-and-tumble about a guy with a bum leg. It's like he's been to war. Or to sea, in a piratey kind of way. Greg House, to put it plainly, is like Captain Ahab.

And with the leg comes the cane. I've thought canes were sexy since I started watching "Dark Shadows" reruns back in the '90s. The main character, Barnabas Collins, carried one. He was a bit damaged also.

Fourth, there's that whole damaged genius thing. I'm not sure if the "damaged" part is sexy. It's compelling, that's for sure. The genius part is sexy though. I once saw a movie in which one of the girls said to her friends about her date, "He's dumb, but he's sooo cute!" Dumb isn't cute. Average isn't even cute. Evil genius, now that's downright pounceable.

Fifth, I love the gleam Hugh Laurie gets in his eye when he's approaching someone with a great, big needle. That's a personal matter that my therapist and I are discussing. I suspect, however, that a lot of women are discussing the same thing with their therapists. And their girlfriends. Actually, I don't have a therapist. But if I did, I'm sure we would be discussing Greg House and his giant...needle.

Sixth, Greg House is funny, but not in a self deprecating Jim Carrey kind of way. House's humor is dry and evil.

Seven, House gives really good verbal spankings. For that reason alone, I would follow Hugh Laurie around like a puppy.

Eight. Did I mention the cane?

Nine, Greg House is just a little bit evil. He's a little bit good too. House frequently shows compassion. It sounds mean when it comes out, but it's frequently what people need to hear. He doesn't coddle people to be liked. But he also says things just to get on people's nerves. People who know him-like Cuddy, the recipient of his sexist humor and Foreman, the recipient of his racist humor-know better than to let him get to them. He has also admitted to his buddy Wilson (who, by the way, deserves his own sex symbol article) that he has been asking to borrow money he doesn't need in larger and larger increments just to see if Wilson will give it to him. House is trying to find Wilson's "no" threshold. That would upset a lot of people, because other people expect better of their friends. Wilson knows better.

Ten, House is an arrogant ass. You have to admire a guy who can be an ass at that level, and Hugh Laurie has definitely...wow. As you can probably tell, I happen to find arrogant assness rather appealing.

As far as Hugh Laurie's Mickey Rooney comment, Greg House is partially the result of some snappy dialogue-writing, but only partially. The rest is Laurie's delivery. Mickey Rooney couldn't manage that dangerous blue stare or that edginess that Laurie brings to the role. He positively crackles with tension. Of course Laurie isn't going to ooze with sexuality playing the British funnyman. That doesn't mean he didn't have it in him, though.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go. The doctor is in.