Sex Toys for the TSA

I propose that we institute a Dildos for Dummies program. Sort of like Toys for Tots but this one specifically targets all the "grown-ups" and their professional cadre at the Transportation Security Administration (TSA). Hundreds, if not thousands, of Americans can take a part of whatever is left over after paying taxes and purchase these items and send them as gifts to the address below accompanied by a nice little card wishing them well and hoping that these training aids will enable them to service Americans more effectively at the thousands of TSA outposts that blight the American landscape at every airport.

John Pistole, known in some circles as Johnny Rotten and the Sex Pistoles, is the current leader of the vaunted TSA. Here is his mailing address:

Transportation Security Administration
601 South 12th Street
Arlington, VA 20598

Here are some office symbols to put under John's name when you send it out.

TSA Routing Symbols
TSA-1 Administrator
TSA-1 Business Transformation & Culture
TSA-1 OSC - Executive Secretariat
TSA-2 Chief Counsel
TSA-4 Strategic Communications and Public Affairs
TSA-5 Legislative Affairs
TSA-6 OSC Civil Rights and Liberties (OCRL)
TSA-9 CFO - Claims Processing
TSA-10 Intelligence & Analysis
TSA-11 OPT Information Technology/CIO
TSA-12 OPT - Operational and Technical Training
TSA-13 Inspection
TSA-14 CFO Finance
TSA-15 Model Workplace
TSA-16 OPT Security Technology
TSA-17 Administration (CAO)
TSA-18 Law Enforcement/FAMS
TSA-19 Transportation Threat Assessment & Credentialing
TSA-20 OSC Freedom of Information Act (FOIA)
TSA-21 Human Capital
TSA-22 OSC Ombudsman
TSA-24 Risk Management - Annapolis Junction
TSA-25 Acquisition
TSA-28 Transportation Sector Network Management
TSA-29 Security Operations
TSA-30 OHC - Administrative Appeals and Review
TSA-31 OSC - Sensitive Security Information (SSI)
TSA-32 Operational Process and Technology
TSA-33 Special Counselor (OSC)
TSA-34 OPT - Risk Management and Strategic Planning
TSA-35 OPT - Operational and Performance Metrics
TSA-36 OSC Privacy
TSA-37 OSC Audit Liaison
TSA-901 OSC - Transportation Security Redress (OTSR)

Don't bother sending anything to TSA 6, 20 or 36 because they haven't hired anyone to work those functions yet.

The sex toys come in a variety of sizes and the bigger the better. If enough large ones are received, the TSA can use them as office chairs to save money.

An alternate delivery option would be to bring them to the airport with you a la Robert Plant and offer them as a gift during the aggressive pat-down for those who wish to opt out of the Porno Scanner. A sheepish and woeful "how did that get there" could always belay an uncomfortable situation.

As a result of the overwhelming popularity of the new invasive body search campaign by the TSA on traveling Americans, a variety of new programs are on the horizon to include:

• VOYEURS (Virtual Orientation for Youth and Elderly Rectal Search)
• NAMBLATraining (North American Man Boy Love Association)
• Future Sex Offenders of America, sort of like 4H but different
• The first government entity to establish a direct relationship with the National Association for the Advancement of Science & Art in Sexuality (NAASAS) which is the adult trade organization which provides professional and educational resources to unify and positively impact adult businesses.

Besides the global beacon to all pedophiles and pederasts the TSA has issued worldwide for their ultimate employment opportunity, the TSA may very well have stumbled onto a way to pay their own freight as a government agency by leasing or selling the rights to the archived material they collect with the imaging devices (they say they won't [wink, wink]) or video footage of the more controversial episodes where the Americans subjected to the aggressive sexual pat-downs put up a ruckus.

So please, my fellow Americans, dig deep and often and send the gift that keeps on giving. I just sent mine today. Demonstrate to the TSA exactly how you feel about the invasive body search that degrades not only Americans but steals our very humanity from us. If you travel, your wives and children no longer belong to themselves; they are now government property to sexually exploit as they wish. TSA won't be happy until you fly naked and in chains.

For a simple ready to use list of sex toy resellers see the following, be sure to place the above listed address's and routing symbols in the "send to" address line.

Sextoys.com (I recommend the large dildos, or even small vibrators.)

Babeland.com (a very good selection to be had.)

For those of you who cannot or do not want to purchase a sex toy to send, the following form can be emailed, printed and mailed or simply dropped off if you live close.

Here is the email address's to use,

• TSA Security Concerns - TSA-ContactCenter@dhs.gov
• Help Desk TSA - HelpDesk@tsa-hraccess.com
• Office of Civil Rights - TSA.OCR -ExternalCompliance@dhs.gov
• Office of Ombudsman TSA - TSA.Ombudsman@dhs.gov

And remember, this is a matter of security (yours and your childrens) as well as a civil rights issue (again your civil rights) so email ALL of the address's.

Here is the form/letter to use...

We the (undersigned) people of these United States do hereby give notice that your training is lacking. We are attaching a simple two step training manual to be distributed among all employees of the TSA (Transportation Security Administration.)

First, FIRE John Pistole - his actions prove his inability to keep myself and my family secure while stripping our rights.

Second, purchase a dildo, or sex toy of your choice, you may use or not use lube as you see fit. Insert said object into the rectal orifice of law abiding Americans like myself and my family. This way there may potentially be some enjoyment attached to the new ridiculous regulations you have decided to use.

Signed,

A concerned anonymous LAW ABIDING American citizen.

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