Sex: What is it and Where Did it Come From?

People ask me questions all the time about sex. Most of the questions come from my wife. Questions like: What the hell do you think you're doing? Did you take a shower yet? Would you hurry up and get this over with so I can go to sleep? What in the world ever gave you the idea I'd be willing to do that!? Must you always fart and fan the sheets?

Yes, there's nothing as beautiful as the intimate sexual relations between two people who really love each other.

The truth is sex is a subject of which few people-men-have a complete understanding. There are many twists and turns and mysteriously unknown areas of sex that can best be summed up with one word: The Female Orgasm. Let's face it; we men just don't get it. I mean what's so hard about achieving orgasm? Twenty minutes? Are you kidding me? I got things to do! The bra and panties section of the Sears catalog usually does it for me in about a minute-and-a-half.

But through years of study and-at the risk of sounding a bit full of myself-tons and tons of experience, I have accumulated quite an understanding of what it takes to make the fairer sex happy in the bedroom and an overall knowledge in the area of human sexuality. And being the kind of guy who likes to share the wealth, I thought I would take this opportunity to spread that knowledge to my readers and answer some of the most commonly asked questions by people who apparently have no access to the Internet.

Caution: If after reading this, you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours, contact a physician immediately!

Penis size doesn't really matter, does it?

Extensive studies by such experts as Masters and Johnson have shown that no matter the size of the penis, it is fully capable of providing satisfaction to any woman. Other extensive studies have shown that most extensive studies are completely inaccurate.

I suspect my wife is faking orgasms. What is the likelihood that that's true?

Assuming your wife is female and she isn't having sex with someone other than you, there is roughly a 100 % chance she is indeed faking it.

What does "ménage à trois" mean?

Ménage à trois is a beautiful French phrase meaning, "Something that will never, ever happen in a million years to you, so just dream on buddy. But if you ever actually do manage to talk two women into joining you in the sack, there's a good chance they're gonna be more into each other than they'll be into you. I mean really! I blew, like, my entire paycheck one Friday night buying these two smokin' hot chicks drinks and sweet-talking them, and finally they're all, 'Sure! We'd love to!' and so we go to my place and they start going at it and they keep pushing me away saying crap like, 'We'll call you when we need you.' and I end up going into the kitchen and playing video poker all night on my laptop. Totally not what I expected."

When I get old, will I need Viagra or Cialis?

Only if you can find a woman old enough and dumb enough to want to sleep with you.

What is this Kama Sutra book I keep hearing about?

The Kama Sutra is an ancient text book filled with information on sex positions and has been used for hundreds of years by the people of India as a guide to human sexuality. Considering the population of India is now over one billion people, the Kama Sutra must be one pretty goddamn good book.

For old married couples for whom the flame has gone out, what can be done to spice things up in the bedroom?

Nothing livens up a stagnant sex life like bringing a third party into your bedroom. Take it from me; one glance at Jose-the cabana boy from our country club-wearing nothing but a thong, put a smoldering look of lust in my wife's eyes like I hadn't seen since our wedding night. And it allowed me to catch up on old episodes of Lost that had accumulated on my DVR since January. So it was a total win-win.

My wife is always screaming at me about foreplay. "Not enough foreplay!" she yells. "Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay!" What the hell is foreplay?

Sorry, I'm gonna have to plead ignorance on this one.

My girlfriend is a wild nymphomaniac who wants to have sex all the time and will do anything I ask her to do. The problem is she always wants to cuddle when we're done. How do I get her to understand I don't do the cuddling thing?

I don't usually like to get too involved with other people's problems, but this time I'll make an exception. Have her come live with me for a couple of months and I'll break her of that crap.