Sexual Abuse Memories and Triggers

I have written many articles and poems about surviving childhood sexual abuse. Some of the articles were written while I was in the throes of dealing with triggers and working with the memories of my own painful past. Later, as I had made my way through the bulk of those memories and found more healing than I imagined ever to be possible, I found that I could write without being re-triggered.

After several years of not having abuse memories, not being triggered and being able to live well in a much more "normal" manner, I again approached an article. This article was not even about my own recovery process, but was written about a local young man who had been abused by his parents.

As I writing the article, I was aware of a sensation that coursed through my being. It seemed as if I were writing out of my own thoughts and feelings as I tried to convey how this young man must be feeling. It is true that I know how betrayal feels. I know on a very deep level what it feels like when your own parents fail to protect you, and instead, choose to bring you harm. I know those thoughts and emotions that well up on the inside and I know the anxieties and the depression that they produce. It was an easy article for me to write because I was able to identify with this young man's pain.

What I did not count on, was being triggered by the words I wrote. When I touched those feelings, it set off an earthquake in my own soul.

That night, I was awakened with a body memory. Body memories are really horrific memories because the body actually feels the pain of the trauma. I was engulfed in wave after wave of pain as it swept throughout my body. I was awakened by this body memory around 2:30 AM. I got up and found my way to the bathroom, thinking that I was really going to be sick, but once I was fully awake, I found that I was just fine. I wasn't sick, I wasn't in pain, no problem at all. I thought it was odd but I went back to bed and back to sleep.

When I woke up about 5 hours later, the memory of the pain was uppermost in my mind. I was still wondering why I had been in so much pain. I also recognized that it had a very familiar feeling to it . . . it felt like those body memories that I had years before in my early recovery period. It has been more than eight years since I've had a body memory and I thought I would never have another one.

Later that day, I emailed my therapist who lives in another state. I asked her if it were possible for me to be having body memories now. I was so sure that I was finished with memory work. She assured me that it was, indeed, very likely that I had another body memory. Anytime a trigger sets us off, we still can have body memories.

Because I have had years of experience dealing with these memories, I was able to quickly process the abuse memory. The next day, however, I felt exhausted. I was reminded that taking an abuse memory in stride is not possible. It is true that I was not devastated by the memory, but it still took its toll on my body and emotions.

For those of us who have been through years of sexual abuse (or any other kind of abuse), we will find these repetitive reminders of our former lives. We can achieve much in the way of healing and it is possible for us to live well, but at the same time, triggers still happen. Sometimes we know certain things will trigger our abusive memories and sometimes they seem to come out of nowhere and blind-side us. This is "normal" for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

Source: Personal Experience