Sexual Christians: Struggling to Have Godly, Sexual Relationships

Is there any topic in the English language more discussed than sex? Add to that the insertion of faith into the conversation and suddenly the topic shifts from likes and dislikes to what a person can and cannot do. In an age where gen-Xers are coming to faith with preconceived notions and experiences, understanding what a Christian's sexual experience can be dicey at best, difficult at worst. With most pastors looking to avoid the subject and most parishioners needing counsel on the topic there is obviously an outlet and need for an open discussion about what is good in the bedroom for a Christian couple.

Rather than launch into a conversation about what you cannot do how about we talk about what you can do. My contention or belief on sexuality is based on how I view and read one of the most talked about and researched books within the compilation of books called the Bible. From a basic and fundamental perspective the one universal principle that should be applied to every marriage does the need to consider God's guidance with every issue both have to do with sex and marital issues in general. If you read the Bible cover to cover, and especially in the New Testament there is no explicit guidebook for sex and relationships beyond respect for one another and the need for abstention during times of consecration before God.

With that fact the one rule of thumb for every marriage is the fact that both should consider God in every area of question. So if the husband desires intimacy and intercourse and the woman is not, who is right and who is wrong? Certainly it does not give him a license to go outside of the marriage but when one partner has a low sex drive and the other a more intense one, only God can counsel can bring remedy to that situation.

Additionally, sex or intercourse to be specific was never intended to be a chore or obligation. Intercourse was intended to be a shared experience of love and passion between a husband and a wife within the confines of their marriage. So enjoyment is a big part of sex for Christians. The problem many couples have stems from the fact that most had sexual experiences before their faith journeys began and they bring those experiences into their Christian marriage and no one guides them into constructive, godly practices of sex.

Does that mean that oral sex is ok? What about anal sex? With no explicit guide (you can make a Scriptural case for both sides if you want), the hallmark for what works for one couple could and will be different than what works for another couple. The one thing that has to be forbidden would be things based on fantasy. That does not mean both partners must forget their own desires for each other. But bringing videos and the like into the bedroom should be a red flag offense. Who is to say t hat one partner may see the video and want a performance similar to what they saw take place. Beyond that, which of us would bring someone into our home and watch them have sex? I didn't think so.

There are several sex manuals for Christians available including A Celebration of Sex by Douglas Roseanu and Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus. The overarching theme that distinguishes sex and lovemaking is a matter of intimacy moreso than a particular act or position. Can you have thirty minutes of hot, heated sex before you leave for church on Sunday, absolutely. At the same time, would one of you prefer to sit in bed and hold each other? Of course.

The keyword in this debate along with intimacy may be pleasure. It so sounds like such a dirty word but removing our traditional teachings, we have to embrace some of the things the Bible speaks of in the Song of Solomon as well as in Proverbs which a multitude of Scriptures paint a picture of pleasure that we should all want in our marriages. Imagine a woman feeling fulfilled and loved, caressed and the like by her husband. At the same time he feels vibrant and accomplished. Both of which are mental issues that go a long way in the health of any marriage. Pleasure was never intended to feel guilty. Never think sex is akin to eating a piece of chocolate when you are on a diet where the craving is so intense is causes you to break some unwritten contract. The contract you have with God is for sex to be pleasureable and enjoyable for both of you. So what does that mean exactly? That is what you are asking isn't it?

What you want to know is what can you do and not do and still be right before God. The simplest explanation is not a matter of limits but a matter of freedom. You place the limits on what is acceptable moreso than anyone else. Does that mean that oral sex is ok? If both of you are ok with it, yes. Does that mean that creating fantasies to keep the bedroom a place of excitement? Absolutely. But understand something, never start doing something you are not committed to continuing. Understand what your partner likes by spending intimate time with them exploring and discovering their touch points of pleasure. A good way to do this is to take an evening and just lay in the bed experimenting. That means just what it says. You do not know what you enjoy until you first enjoy it. And believe me, the moment it hits the right spot you will want it more and more. And you will find love in the air. And that makes God proud.

Accessorizing the intimacy in a Christian marriage is another hot topic. Is it ok to bring creams and oils into the bedroom and God still being honored? What about devices that add to the pleasure factor for couples looking to keep the bedroom a fresh and exciting place? Discretion being key, the one piece of advice that can be given is to ask God for guidance. That does not mean it is practical for a woman to buy a device that replaces her husband; quite the contrary. But there is no apparent indiscretion in introducing other aids in which both individuals will benefit and no doors of the marital covenant will be broken.

So, what does that say for the couple who wants to know whether they can do something or not? There are no easy answers. Just like raising a child, we can quote spare the rod, spoil the child. But you can also find successful parenting techniques where spanking or whipping are not engaged. The simple guide for sex is quite simple actually. Since you cannot ask Jesus what He would do the measuring stick revolves around a matter of faith. God honors our quest to be faithful above any and everything else. What I did as a child is not counted against me now that I am an adult because I know more now than I did then. The same principle applies in the bedroom. You discover more about yourself and what you like and dislike one day at a time. What works today may be different than what works tomorrow. As long as God is honored and you as a couple are considerate of the needs and wants of the other there is little else to restrict you from having an awesome, electric sexual relationship with the person God gave you to spend the rest of your time with.