Shakespeare: The Lost Episodes

With the recent rash of Shakespearian discoveries , we remind readers that it was here where we announced the unearthing of a crapload of Shakespeare's lost works. And now, after much study and research, scholars now believe two things: a) these are the early drafts of some of William Shakespeare's greatest plays and b)that he buried them on purpose. Why? We believe that will be made clear as we present them. Here we have a play which was young William's attempt to combine the monologue with a traveling show, creating the travelogue. Scholars have discovered that the lyrics of some of the songs penned (or "quilled") for the play closely scan tunes of more modern songs, so the notations are included so that you may "sing along."

"The Road to Hamlet."

By Willy Shakespeare

ACT I

Lonely road. Two guards, BERNARDO and FRANCISCO are at their post.

BERNARDO: Hark, Francisco, doesth thou not see it? The apparition again comes along the coast---

FRANCISCO: Speakest thou again of the king's ghost?

BERNARDO: Aye.

Ghost enters.

GHOST: Boo.

Ghost exits.

FRANCISCO: Mine eyes seeth but my mind disbelieves, Bernardo!

BERNARDO: Pray, let us pursue it!

They exit.

BERNARDO (o.s.): Who goeth there? Show thyself!

CRUSTY (O.S.): Whoa, watchth the hardware, buddy, you'll tearth the threads.

JUNIOR (O.S.): Hey, good sire, thy spear is sharp and pointy. Much like thy head.

Guards enter with CRUSTY, a jug-eared crooner type and JUNIOR, a ski-nose comic ham, at spear point.

BERNARDO: That is not an apparition.

FRANCISCO: More like an aberration. Who be thee and why approachth this fort?

CRUSTY: We are but a pair of wandering minstrels. Montebanks. Jesters of sorts.

JUNIOR: And out of sorts, as well.

BERNARDO: How should we torture they?

FRANCISCO: Trespassers on the king's realm, it should be a rather painful way.

BERNARDO: Aye, pity they are not Guildernstern and Rosencratz. Men hired to accompany good prince Hamlet.

CRUSTY: Why, indeed we are montebanks named Rosencratz and Guildernstern, isn't
that right, Junior, er, Guildernstern?

JUNIOR: Do I look like a Guildernstern?

Bernardo threatens him with spear.

JUNIOR (CONT): A little around the eyes.

CRUSTY: He favors his mother's side.

JUNIOR: So did father.

BERNARDO: Thou art truly Rosencratz and Guildernstern? The king anxiously awaits your arrival to these parts.

FRANCISCO: For he worries much of his nephew Hamlet and his heavy heart.

BERNARDO: You are to report to the king's palace anon.

JUNIOR: At last, we play the palace!

CRUSTY: Well, just point the way and we'll be off.

BERNARDO: Thou merely follows yonder lane
and it will take you to the king's domain.

FRANCISCO: Aye. Knowst how to travel the road?

JUNIOR: Are you kidding? We're a couple of road scholars.

Bernardo and Francisco exit.

JUNIOR (CONT): Looks like quite a hike. You wouldn't have a pair of Clydesdales on you?

CRUSTY: No trouble.
(calling offstage) Props!

Two hobby horses (stick ponies) are handed out.

JUNIOR: What was that?

CRUSTY: The property master. He's a friend. Need anything else?

JUNIOR: I usually like a cup of coffee with my danish.

CRUSTY: Let's be off.

JUNIOR: You know, I had a friend who traveled to Denmark once.

CRUSTY: Oh, he went abroad?

JUNIOR: No, but he came back as one.

SONG
(to the tune "Road to Morocco.")

We're off on the road to Denmark
To meet with a prince of a guy.
Some would shun and turn away or call us both insane.
But we don't care, we're going there.
He's really a great Dane.
We certainly do get around.
Like a school of smelted herring
We're Denmark bound.

We're off on the road to Denmark.
With a Godspeed and fine fare-thee-well.
They say Hamlet is quite depressed and sings songs of
despair.
It's okay 'cause I got a
Melon-cali-flower ear.
He'll probably bring us both down.
But that's what always happens
When you're Denmark bound.

We're off on the Road to Denmark.
We hear it's a zany kind of place.
With ghosts of dads and plots of death and treachery and
stuff.
And all the people go around
speaking in couplets.
It's sounds like we'll both hang around,
We're certainly not Finnish,
We're Denmark Bound.

Crusty and Junior exit.

ACT II

King's throne room. The QUEEN and KING confer.

Q!UEEN: My liege and husband, hast thou devised a plan to rid us of the vengeful orphan?

KING: Indeed I have. I hath summoned courtiers to spy on that son of thine.
They shall report onto us the sinister follies of his unhinged mind.
I expect them soon to come.

QUEEN: Hark, I now hear the approach of someone.

Crusty and Junior enter.

CRUSTY: Salutations, monarch.

JUNIOR: Hiya, king. Love your burgers.

KING: Thou art Guildernstern and Rosencratz? You do not look of Jewish descent. Of what sect are you? Reform? Orthodox?

JUNIOR: We're Unorthodox.

CRUSTY: (calling offstage) Props!

Two yarmalkas come out, one has Mickey Mouse ears, the other a propeller. Crusty and Junior put them on.

JUNIOR: Pretty unorthodox, huh?

CRUSTY: We hear you want us to perform some prince sitting duties, your royal uncle-ness.

KING: You are to shadow the young prince Hamlet up and down
and report to me any designs he has on the crown.

QUEEN: He is a moody one and capable of rash actions.

KING: So, dally not and thou shall remain employed 'til my satisfaction.

JUNIOR: Odds Bodkins, zounds and gadzooks,
why does everyone here talk like Dr. Suess?

QUEEN: Now quiet be, his betroth, Ophelia, approachth thee.

KING: She is not to know of this plot.

CRUSTY: Have no fear, from us she will hear it not.

JUNIOR: Just give it the old tick-a-lock.

OPHELIA, a dark-haired tropical beauty enters, Queen and King exit. Crusty and Junior toss the hats.

OPHELIA: Good day to you gentlemen.

CRUSTY: Likewise.

JUNIOR: And then some.

OPHELIA: Are you the new courtiers to the prince?

CRUSTY: Indeed, indeed. The name's Rosencratz but thou may call me Crusty.

JUNIOR: And I art Guildernstern but the ladies call me tiger.
(growls)

CRUSTY: Why don't you go somewhere and cough up a nice fur ball?

JUNIOR: Speaking of which, when do you sing your solo?

OPHELIA: Boys, I greatly fear Hamlet's royal kin. I know you are here to plan his fate.
But the king means to slay the princely young man. Hamlet is true king; heir to the throne; head of state.

JUNIOR: Oh, you mean he's an heir-head.

CRUSTY: Methinks something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

JUNIOR: Don't look at me, I didn't write any of this.

OPHELIA: Silence! Cease this buddy-buddy man bonding. We now must locate the prince. Come and you will seethe place where he does his soliloquy.

They exit.

ACT III

The court yard. HAMLET enters. As he pauses to think. Ophelia, Crusty and Junior enter upstage, hidden from Hamlet.

HAMLET: To be or not to be; that is the question.

JUNIOR: Oh, good, it's multiple choice.

HAMLET: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or take arms against a sea of troubles---

CRUSTY: Arms against the sea?

JUNIOR: We must be going to the beach.

OPHELIA: Hush.

HAMLET: And by opposing end them. To die;
to sleep no more. And by a sleep
to say we end the heartache and the
thousand natural shocks that flesh
is heir to. 'Tis a consummation
devontly to be wish'd.

JUNIOR: What's he talkin' about?

OPHELIA: He's thinking of killing himself.

JUNIOR: Why doesn't he say it in English?

CRUSTY: It is English. Old English.

JUNIOR: He should trade it in for the newer model.

HAMLET: To die, to sleep, perchance to dream---

JUNIOR: What do you suppose he's dreaming of?

CRUSTY: He's dreaming...
(singing) of a white Christmas---

JUNIOR: That wasn't a song cue.

CRUSTY: A what?

JUNIOR: Song cue, song cue!

CRUSTY & OPHELIA: You're welcome.

HAMLET: (drawing sword) Hark, who listens in on my inner dialogue?

Ophelia, Crusty and Junior present themselves.

OPHELIA: Hamlet, I bring thee glee,
I have foiled a plot against thee.
These two were to serve his majesty.
Now they will give aid to you and me.

CRUSTY: So, lighten up, my boy, cease your yelp.

JUNIOR: Yeah, don't worry, we're here to help.

Ghost crosses stage.

GHOST: Boo.

JUNIOR: Somebody left their laundry running.

HAMLET: 'Tis my father's ghost! I shall avenge thee, father, I vow!
The king shall perish by my blade!

JUNIOR: Oh, wow.

King, Queen and Guards enter.

KING: Ah, thou dost plot against the throne in tone so shrill.
Guards, seize them! Thou shall dwell in the dungeon 'til you die, consuming only swill!

JUNIOR: Swill?

CRUSTY: What's this swill, Jackson?

KING: Swill. Mush. Porridge.

CRUSTY: Oh, porridge.

JUNIOR: We like porridge.

Crusty and Junior begin doing patty-cake in front of guards.

CRUSTY: Pea-porridge hot.

JUNIOR: Pea-porridge cold.

CRUSTY & JUNIOR: Pea porridge in the pot, nine days old.

Oh the last move, they turn and punch the guards, who drop. Hamlet draws his sword on the King and Queen.

HAMLET: Good fellows, thou hast saved the day by revealing the treachery occurring behind my back.

CRUSTY: Oh, we could've told you that in the first act.

JUNIOR: But then I wouldn't get to do my topical monologue!

ALL: Props!

A roll of a masking tape comes out. Crusty tapes Junior's mouth.

KING: You may have won this battle, prince, but the war shall be mine, as you and your consorters face a growing list of foes.
Me, the queen, the guards, add to your woes.

JUNIOR: (ripping off tape) Well, all we can say is---

SONG
(to the tune "Thanks for the Memories")

Thanks for the enemies.
Of smiting people down
While grasping for the crown
Getting our revenge on all
And Ophelia on rebound
Thank you , so much.

So now ends our time 'pon the floorboards
We've played our parts and chased some more broads.
We could have come back and done encores
Like Yorrick instead,
He lost his head.

So thanks for the enemies
That Guildernstern's a swine
And Rosencratz's a whine,
Basically it's a shame
We've all run out of time
So, thank you, so much.

THE END