Shared Parenting: Tips on How to Handle Joint Custody

The divorce rate in America is roughly 40%, depending on which census, survey, and/or magazine you subscribe to. To add to that, there are 1 million children involved in divorces as of 1997. I and my children are part of those statistics, along with those of abused women and children. After talking with many other divorced men and women, single mothers and fathers, I have come up with a few tips on how to if not get along, then at least act civilized when it comes to the children. We as divorced parents need to remember, after the divorce, it is no longer about us, but the children. No matter how nasty the divorce, or separation was, there comes a time when you have to either put it behind you, or learn to hide your anger or hurt well. Believe me, after getting out of my "eight years of hell" as I put it, I still have times I just want to pull my hair out.

Be careful of your words

The saying "little pitchers have big ears" is never more true when dealing with children who have visitations with the other parent. This is one rule I have never really had a problem with. Children are little sponges, every little thing you say about the other parent will get back to them. Most times, it's not a jab at one parent by a child, they are just repeating mom or dad. If little Johnny hears you call his mommy a slut, or daddy a deadbeat, be prepared to have your child go back to the other parent and ask them what those words mean. If you are talking to a friend or family member about the other parent, and feel the need to rant, go outside, shut the door and turn the water on, or just wait until the kids aren't home.

Learn to be flexible on visitation times

My ex husband had a bad habit of not showing up, or calling at the last minute to ask for the kids. If I behaved the way I had wanted to, I would have said, "Sorry, you weren't here when supposed to be, so you're out of luck". However, that isn't fair to the children. It's not their fault one parent cannot keep to a schedule. If I didn't have anything major planned, I let him take them. Think about it this way: Your children went from having to full time parents, to one they only see every other weekend, maybe more, maybe less. Now, I did have a talk with him, that he had to start taking them more on time, and he did pick up a day, so it's better than nothing. Not to mention how happy the kids are. It is better if you can stick to some type of schedule, more for the children's sake than yours. Just try not to be a slave to that calendar.

No fighting in front of the children

Your ex wife sends the kids with no extra clothes. Refrain from complaining about this in front of the kids, don't fall into that old argument. Simply stop at a store, and buy some in expensive clothing. Then after your weekend, make sure you stock up on some extras for the kids. This way, you always have clothes in case of an accident, and you didn't make yourself look as petty as you could have.

The toy war

Too many weekend parents fall into the trap of buy buy buy after a divorce. I know I did. We all feel that guilt of splitting up, of tearing them away from a parent, home, school, or any change they had to make. As soon as you see yourself doing this: stop. All it leads to is children coming to expect more and more. No matter why the divorce happened, it's over and done with. The sooner your children get back to normal, the better. No amount of material things will make up for what was a bad experience for all involved. Learn to channel it other ways, spend more time with them, learn new ways to play and have fun.

Keep the same rules

An important rule, and one we all need to follow. If your daughter's curfew is dark at home, it needs to be at dark with the other parent. When a child comes back from a weekend visit, breaks one of your rules and you hear "But daddy let me", don't panic. Simply remind your child, maybe daddy forgot the rule, but it's still a rule. The next time you talk to your ex, remind them nicely that your child still isn't allowed to do that. If you are the parent who has weekend visitation, don't let the kids have free reign simply to save yourself fights in the little time you have. It isn't going to help anyone, and before you know it, those same children will be walking all over you.

Learn to ignore the insults

My ex husband takes the children to his mothers on his weekends. Unfortunately, she feels the constant need to put me down in front of the children, who in turn feel the need to run home and tell me. I understand why, as it upsets them. For me, it just grates on my nerves. I have learned to tell the children "Remember, what grandma says, doesn't hurt me, they are just words". I did have to explain to them that being a hillbilly doesn't make mom a bad person, it just makes me different, and grandma is just jealous she can't run around barefoot. It was my way of making the kids laugh about something that hurt them because they thought it would hurt me, and we let it go after that. I make sure my family doesn't talk about my ex in front of the kids, and maybe someday he will talk to his family about it, in the meantime, just ignore it.

Special occasions

Your son has a huge football game coming up, but it's not your ex's weekend. Do your child a favor, and let him come anyways. It does you no harm, you don't have to sit with him, and your child gets to see both his parents there. This goes for any school activities also. At the beginning of the school year, take five minutes of your time, and make a calender for your ex marked with important dates, and give it to them next visitation. Let them know, if they would like to show up for any of them, they are more than welcome. It's not up to you to call your ex and remind them either, but at least this way, you covered your bases and made sure they knew about them.

No third degree

Grilling your children when they come home about who, what, when, where, and why will do neither party any good. Not only that, but in asking every little detail, over time, the kids won't want to tell you about the important things, and you might miss something. Let them tell you what they did, and feel free to ask them if they had fun. If they reply no, ask why, and then make them see the good about what they did do. If they say something like they were bored, help them come up with something to do the next time.

Your ex's private life is none of your business

This is a rule I wish my ex would follow. Asking the children whether mom or dad is seeing anyone is a big no no. What your ex does when the kids aren't with them is his or her private time, and not your concern. If the kids come home and tell you mom had a "friend" over, still none of your business. Keep your thoughts to yourself about whether or not she is running around with a whole football team. If your kids aren't being harmed, or put into a bad situation, you have to keep your mouth shut on this. On the other side of that, when you begin dating again after a divorce, try and remember that for the kids it will be a hard thing to see and hear about a new person in your life. Keep your affairs to yourself until you feel secure enough to introduce the children to that person, and take it from there.

Be the bigger person

No matter what your situation is, whether a civilized divorce, or a nasty custody battle, learn to pick your battles. A missed pick up, late drop off, or dirty kids are things you can deal with quietly. Bruises, or crying children after every visit are another thing. If you spend all your time taking your ex to court, or complaining to the police about the little things, when it comes time for the real deal, you will have a hard time getting anyone to listen.

In the end

The one thing I always tell myself is this: the kids will realize for themselves when they grow older who is the better parent, there is no need for me to try and show myself up to my ex. Same goes for all divorced parents. If you do your best to make visitations and phone calls easier on your children, no matter how hard it is for you, as they get older, they will appreciate you for it. Being civilized towards the other parent also leads to less stress for you, and easier to get on with your life. I know that if I let the little things get to me, in the end, he still wins. If I learn to ignore them, I win, and so do my children. They still know, dad was not a good husband, but for them, he is still their dad. And that is more important than anything else.