Sharing Your Heart in an Argument with Your Spouse

Communicating with your spouse can be tricky. However, by sharing your heart without forgetting your message, you'll get farther, faster.

While many couples dread arguments, we know that only through conflict can relationships grow stronger. Of course, you know this because you've fought with your sister or brother or mom and dad and you have seen the bonds that fighting and making up can create.

Many married couples will say anything to avoid a fight, but if you don't have open and honest communication with the person that is supposed to be your best friend, why are you even married? Your goal should be to get to the point that you can say anything that isn't a direct insult to the person that you love and know that you can work out whatever issue it is that you have.

Of course, you have to keep some things in mind before you begin the potentially heated discussion:

1. Remember your overall goal

Without a goal, you are not being fair to your spouse. If you are just starting a fight in order to fight, then I'd suggest you check your heart and make sure you aren't harboring resentment against your spouse. If you are then you may win the argument but you WILL lose the battle. You'll have to put away all of your old resentments in order to make any headway in the marriage.

And, by remembering a concrete goal it's easier to stick to the point at hand. You won't get sidetracked about what your spouse's mom has supposedly done to you or what your mother said the night you introduced your bride-to-be (groom-to-be).

2. No attacks

Only a person with a weak argument will resort to name calling or to dredging up old news. If what you have to say has merit, you don't need to remind him that he was once a drunk. Likewise, any old boyfriends/girlfriends are off-limits (obviously). Certainly DO NOT call out, in an insulting way, each other's children if you have children from a previous marriage. Please don't stoop so low as to personally attack the person who is supposed to be the most dear to you in the world.

3. Don't be afraid to cry

I have struggled for years with a very tender heart. Finally I came to the point that when there is an argument I am going to cry. I used to hate myself for this weakness, but now that I am older and I see my friends dropping like flies from heart attacks, I am a little less hard on myself because I can't hold it all in and bottle it up inside.

4. Share what you feel

Be open with how you feel. Don't say, "I hate it when you leave your shoes all over the place." This negativity breeds hostility and defensiveness. Instead, try saying, "It makes me feel like you don't notice my efforts to keep the house clean when you neglect to put your shoes away. I'd really appreciate it if you'd try to keep them in the closet." Now, when he does put his shoes away he's telling you that he does appreciate your efforts. Of course, don't forget to thank him when you notice that he's remembered your request.

4. Never say never

The cardinal rule in an argument is that two words are off limits during an argument:

Never and Always

First, any sentence you use them in during an argument is almost always untrue. I've been guilty of saying, You never go to church with me or You always take his side over mine, but these statements rarely give your partner the frame of mind that would further your case. In fact, accusatory statements like these are hardly ever helpful in an argument. If you find your arguments are always peppered with these two words, I'd encourage you to go to your spouse, at a time when the two of you are not arguing, and tell him you want him to hold you accountable in that you are going to try to stop using those words during arguments.

He'll probably be so glad that you are wanting to constructively solve your differences that he'll assist you in your goals. Communication is everything in a marriage. You may have to make the first step.

5.Give them an out that saves face

One of the dumbest things I have seen is an argument that is begun for a good reason and ends in two people who refuse to back down because of pride. Giving your spouse a way to acquiesce and still save face is vital. Of course you want him to completely cave into your demands, but that is simply unreasonable.

For instance, your husband works from home. He sets his own schedule, however, he rarely comes out of the office before 8pm. You wish he was part of the family at 6:30 or earlier. Tell him what you want, but offer up the fact that he's a great father and you know he WANTS to be home earlier. Ask him how you can help him get home earlier. Offer your help, offer your encouragement, offer him a way to look good in acquiescing to your request and you are more likely to get what you want.

None of these ideas or helpful suggestions are intended so that you can WIN all of your arguments. If you are still trying to win arguments, rather than work through them constructively, then you definitely need to reassess your relationship. People who win arguments lose spouses. You know this is true.

Relationships that last take work on both of your parts. Your arguments can be frequent, as long as they are constructive. A great argument helps you both bare your soul and in those raw, emotional times you bond deeper than is possible in a polite and genteel relationship. Embrace your arguments as those venting sessions are the creator of the ties that bind.