Sharing Responsibilities Within Marriage

There are a number of articles available which try to assist couples in dividing up chores in their marriages. Many of them will point out that women generally end up with a disproportionate number of daily and weekly responsibilities, especially in families with children. While this is often true, sometimes it is the attitude of the woman regarding the chores who may unintentionally be causing her partner to shut down in this area.

Whether a woman works within or outside her home, often women see the condition of the home as a reflection on them, personally. For this reason, I believe that many women have a tendency to take on and take over a lion's share of the household chores. Many men give up trying to pitch in when their spouses seem to be overly critical or go back and "redo" a job the way they want it to be done. Examples might be in how the dishwasher is loaded, how the children are dressed, what the kids eat for breakfast (Remember Bill Cosby's famous "Breakfast" comedy act?), or how to fold towels.

I believe that if a woman wants help, she should bite her tongue when she gets help, even if a job was not done exactly as she would do the same job. Often, I think men feel insulted or assume that their efforts will fall short, so they sometimes give up trying.

That is not always the case, however. In some marriages, men expect women to assume certain gender-stereotyped roles in managing a home for no other reason than because their mothers "always had a meal on the table" or "always ironed their father's shirts". One major difference today, however, is that in most marriages, the women are working the same or more hours outside of the home as the men are. This often leads to an imbalance of chores, stress, and burn-out among working wives, especially if these women are also mothers.

In two-income homes, I believe it works best to have personal checking accounts and divide the bills up fairly based on the income of each contributor. Trust is important in this plan. Each spouse needs to trust that the bills are getting paid and that major purchases are discussed before being purchased. Seperate accounts also allow each partner to establish credit, in addition to a bit of freedom in making smaller purchases that do not necessarily always have to be "reported."

I don't think men are always intentionally trying to get out of doing their part. I think that our society for decades has merely not given men this part when it comes to household management and child rearing. I do see trends moving in a positive direction, however. I certainly am not a proponent of divorce, but in many such situations, both parents are placed in positions in which they are required to take on the roles of both "Mom" and "Dad" and I can't deny the benefits of this mindset.

I think that if spouses who are together though, allow themselves to create a plan that dismisses stereotypical gender roles in assigning who does what, and rather, allows for personal preferences, then both have a better chance of contentment regarding what is done by whom. For example, just because a woman is female, she may not prefer cooking; or just because a man is male, he may not prefer mowing the lawn. There is nothing at all wrong with reversing these roles when it makes more sense for both of the partners.

In my marriage, my husband does the majority of the cooking. He likes to cook and is good at it. I am not. This does not mean I refuse to cook. Sometimes I do; just not most of the time. My husband also suffers from seasonal allergies, and I like to be outside. It makes much more sense for me to be mowing the lawn than for him to be. We have developed a system that works for us. We do not worry about the neighbors wondering why he isn't mowing lawn, or family members believing that cooking should be done by me. It's none of their business. It works for us.

An important part of any system though, is in not keeping score. There will be days when I will end up taking on more than my share of work because my husband has to work late, is not feeling well, etc. There will also be days in which that is reversed and he will end up doing more. As long as both partners can rely on the other to over compensate when necessary, then it works. It is only a problem when the same person always seems to be the one to pick up the slack.

I think it also helps in these busy, over-scheduled times, for both spouses to lighten up, lower expectations at times, and remember why you are both working in the first place . . . to improve your quality of life. Allow the dishes to lie in the sink until tomorrow on occasion, and enjoy your family. Over time, everyone will learn that the sky doesn't fall because the vacuuming didn't get done or BIlly wore a shirt that no one had time to iron.