Shipwrecked

Life lately feels like being adrift in a rescue boat with no land in sight. The boat is crowded and there is no room for anyone else. At times I am desperately clinging onto wreckage, floating in the troubled sea trying to keep my head above water.

It doesn't make me feel better to know that there are so many others in the rescue boat. I don't expect anyone to save me, I am trying to save myself.

When you have been "at sea" for what feels like a long time you never get used to the roughness of the waters. The nausea comes and goes but never fully leaves you.

There are moments where you see what looks like an island, albeit a small one and you hope to reach it. It doesn't matter that it is a stepping stone; it is a glimmer of hope. You start to believe again that you will find a way to rescue yourself but then another storm develops.

There is still some fight left and you reach to find it in moments like this. You repeat over and over to yourself that it will get better. The storm won't be so bad and it will pass. You convince yourself that since you have been through it before you can survive it again.

Brushing away the fear that builds from the uncertainty of what the future holds takes all the strength that you have. Sometimes living in the moment is the key to survival. Don't worry about tomorrow because you do not know what it will bring.

It may not be that bad.

In the meantime I am thankful for the gifts I have. Although my outlook feels bleak, I have managed to hang on this long. It is because of the gifts that I keep fighting to survive. Giving up and sinking is not an option.

The determination of my spirit keeps me looking for the island. I have been in this boat, occasionally tossed out of it, but I have struggled to hang on. Searching without a compass, I often get lost.

Struggling to believe that today is the day that I figure out how to get rescued gets harder but the day will come. It has to.