Shopping at Wal-Mart: The Complete Idiot's Guide

Ah Wal-Mart ...the lazy, or perhaps efficient, shopper's heaven! Where else can you buy a watermelon and a screwdriver in the same store? The joys of this wonderful store are almost beyond imagination, but I will try to curb your excitement throughout this guide. This guide is meant to facilitate and expedite your shopping experience and will hopefully lead to an overall better experience at the store you know and love. By just following the suggestions and examples set forth in this guide, I believe we can all make our lives better and our trips to Wal-Mart much more enjoyable. Enjoy!

Part ONE: Parking and Entering the Store

The joys of parking at Wal-Mart are endless. Usually the best time to find the ideal parking spaces is before 9 AM and after 11 PM. Unfortunately, no sane person is at Wal-Mart at those times, thus we must settle for fighting in the parking war. It is absolutely a necessity to park in the first 6 spaces in each aisle of the parking lot. All other spaces are simply too far away. I mean seriously, who wants to walk an extra twenty feet to get to the door when you are going to be walking so much in the store anyway? I know I wouldn't want to! So, you must drive around the parking lot until you find the closest possible spot. This process should take at least 10 minutes and this step becomes even more enjoyable when you one find either people walking toward a car that is in the first 6 spaces or a car pulling out of a space. This is when the true fun begins. In order to claim your spot, you MUST, I repeat, MUST stop your car just behind where the target car is pulling out. This is even better when other cars are behind you and must wait for you to claim your spot victoriously. Congratulations, you have learned the first lesson in Wal-Mart Customer etiquette: look out for number one.

Now that you have successfully parked and are beginning your approach to the store, take a look around and take a moment to observe the beautiful scenery surrounding you. Perfectly placed shopping carts scattered throughout the parking lot; random pedestrians walking, blissfully unaware of your presence; security cameras watching your every move; it almost seems like the setting from a fairy tale. Once you reach the doors, it is imperative that yet again you try to enter the door closest to you, regardless of whether it is the entrance or the exit, which is clearly marked with DO NOT ENTER signs. Yet again you are disappointed to find that unless you get lucky and someone is coming out just as you are going in, the doors fail to open. Thus, you run into them bruising not only your head but your pride. Way to go, champ! Then as you feel the stare of humored customers around you, you calmly walk to the other door and pretend as if you knew it all along. Good cover up! Once you have successfully entered the store, you may begin perusing the wares so wonderfully housed in this shop of wonder.

Part TWO: Shopping!

The best part of any shopping trip is well...the shopping. Once you have acquired an item holding receptacle (i.e. a shopping cart (or buggy/carriage), a hand basket, or (if you are feeling brave) your bare hands) you may begin your shopping. There are many different approaches to shopping, most of which I will outline below. Each person's approach may most easily be categorized by their age and gender.

Young Female (YF)
This customer is categorized by her general state of unawareness. These customers usually only have a few target items for which they are shopping. However, as with all of the female shopper approaches, if these items include clothing, then the shopping trip will likely take at least thrice as long as a non-clothing-related shopping trip. However, once they have settled on the items to buy, they are ready to go and will not be stopped. These shoppers also will likely be traveling in "packs" or "cliques" and are rarely, if ever, seen alone.

Mid-Age Female (MAF)
These shoppers are the true shoppers. They are also known as "soccer moms" and frequent the store quite often, usually buying groceries after a long day at work or after dropping the kids off at school. These are the experts of the shopping world and get done what they need to get done. They are awesome multi-taskers and can often be seen shopping, talking on the cell phone, and getting their nails done all at the same time. The epitome of the ideal shopper, they are quick and efficient.

Elderly Female (EF)
For these customers, shopping at Wal-Mart is more of a hobby or pastime. They don't necessarily need anything when they go shopping, they just have nothing better to do so why not spend it at Wal-Mart. They are also painfully slow for the Middle-Aged shoppers who get annoyed by them walking 3 steps a minute down an aisle and having no way to go around them. If left to their own ways they can easily spend an entire day walking around Wal-Mart just because that's how they roll.

Young Male (YM)
These customers are the least likely to be found at the Wal-Mart Supercenter. If they are seen they are only there because someone else made them come or because they have nothing better to do. Usually they also travel in packs and almost never are in the store to actually buy something, only because - they have nothing better to do. They can frequently be found trying out the items in the store, especially in the toy department. They also act extremely young for their ages and often times need to be carefully watched.

Middle-Aged Male (MAM)
The ultimate in follow the leader, these shoppers are mostly found following a middle-aged woman who is hopefully their wife. They usually don't even want to come but do so to appease their wife. They can either be found with their wife or randomly walking around the hardware/sporting goods/electronics area of the store waiting for their wife to finish the shopping. These customers seem to find others of the same type to talk to, trying to pass the time.

Elderly Male (EM)
Almost an exact replica of the Middle-Aged male, these customers also most likely came with their wives. However, instead of shopping with their wives or looking in the hardware/sporting goods/electronics departments, they sit on the benches in the front of the store waiting for their wives to come to the check out. Then, they will join their wives and help with the check out process.

Now that we have covered the typical shopper stereotypes, we will begin looking at techniques used in shopping. There are two main ways to shop: list-guided shopping and impulse shopping. Normally the only customers who use list-guided shopping are the MAFs who see it as more organized and effective. Pretty much everyone else simply goes and buys what they see and they want/need. Both methods are mostly effective but impulse shopping may cause the shopper to forget some items. Impulse shopping can also lead to a higher bill at the checkout line, especially when the shopper is hungry. Rule number two of shopping at Wal-Mart: NEVER SHOP WHILE HUNGRY. Bad bad bad idea.

Here are some tips to help you out with all your shopping needs:

1. When shopping in an aisle, it is ideal to turn your cart sideways in order to block oncoming customers/competitors from reaching the item you are going after first. Other appropriate actions include: shoving, tripping, pouncing, tackling, and shanking. WARNING: shanking should only be used as a last resort as it usually causes the death of one or more involved parties.

2. If, while shopping, you realize that you no longer want/need one of the items in your cart, simply use the stuff and hide technique. Instead of walking the 10 feet to return the item to where it belongs, grab the item, stuff it onto the closest shelf, and hide it if possible so no one knows it was you. This is especially effective with meats, milk, produce, or frozen foods. Hiding these items should be a priority. This also gives the workers something to do while they lounge around doing nothing because we all know that, contrary to popular belief, Wal-Mart employees really don't do anything while people are in the store.

3. If, for some strange reason, you suddenly come to the realization that you can't pay for the items in your cart or that you don't need any of them, it is also acceptable to abandon your cart. This is especially effective in low-populated areas such as the automotive department or in the outside garden center.

4. While shopping it is always acceptable and, in fact, encouraged, to ask associates for help locating items. This tactic is especially useful when you already, in fact, know where the item is and just refuse to check to be sure yourself. Along with this comes asking people where departments are instead of looking at the obviously misguiding signs hanging from the ceiling.

This is most everything you need to know for the shopping portion of your trip. Now comes the fun part: the Checkout line!

Part THREE: Check it OUT!

The part of shopping that brings a smile to everyone's face is always the checkout line. And why shouldn't it? With smiling cashiers and the joyous beeping of items being scanned, who couldn't love every second of it? Once you are done shopping, you should quickly proceed to the front of the store and grab your place in line. In order to get the shortest line possible, you should keep an eye out on all surrounding lines and constantly move to the shortest line. This is much easier if you have one or more people with you who can all stand in different lines until one reaches the cashier.

In order to improve customer/cashier relations, it is imperative that you be on your cell phone throughout the entire transaction. This allows the cashier to not only concentrate more easily on their job but it also distracts you and causes the process to go much more quickly. This is especially effective if you avoid speaking to the cashier at all. However, be sure not to completely ignore them or you may end up standing in line for twice as long while they wait on you to enter your PIN number or select NO for cash back.

Select few customers get the opportunity to visit the express lanes. These lanes are made especially for people with less than 20 items or those who at least believe they do. These lines typically have shorter lines and proceed more quickly. If you see one of these lanes unoccupied, immediately proceed to the register if you believe you have around 20 items. Or better yet, even if you very well know that you have more than 20 items. In order to bypass the 20 items or less requirement, simply say something to the effect of, "I think I have less than 20 items," or if you know you don't, while half way through the transaction suddenly look surprised and exclaim, "Oh, I didn't realize this was the 20 or less lane! How silly of me!" All will be well and your cashier will simply smile and laugh it off.

If you notice that your cashier is running out of room on the bag end of the register, you should just stand in front of the register and smile, pretending not to notice. It is easier when someone else is with you as you two can just get caught up in a lively conversation and claim to not notice. However, as soon as you notice items falling off you should actually move your empty cart and start reloading it while saying something like, "Oh, I guess I could help you!" or "Oh goodness, I didn't realize you were running out of room!" Or, if you really show off your customer skills you can just stand there and wait for your cashier to load the cart. You have been working awfully hard and deserve to rest after all.

Here is a list of some common occurrences at the checkout line and appropriate phrases to go along with them. These should be used as frequently as possible.

1. When your bill is lower than usual: "Wow, that's the least I've ever spent in Wal-Mart!"

2. When your bill is higher than usual: "Geez, you're taking all my money!" or "Do I get the employee discount?"

3. When you have few items: "I bet this is your biggest order of the day!"

4. When you have many items: "I only came in here for (insert random item). And this is how it ends up!"

5. When an item will not scan: "I guess it's free today?"

6. When you don't know which way to scan your debit/credit card: "All these machines are different. That's why it's so confusing!"

7. When you want to use an express lane: "I think I have less than 20 items."

8. While loading your cart: "Now the hard part is unloading these at home."

9. When asked if you want your milk in a bag: "(Yes/No) because it makes it easier to carry."

10. After completing a transaction: "Is that all my bags? Because I've been known to leave bags behind.."

11. When an item doesn't have a barcode: "Leave it to me to get the one with no price tag." or "It doesn't have a price?"

12. When an item rings up the wrong price: "That's happened to me three times this week. All on that one item!"

13. When you go to an underage cashier and try to buy beer: "Can I scan it?" or "Yeah, you don't look 21."

14. When you purchase an electronic device: "This won't beep at the door will it?"

15. When you get a Re-key PIN error: "Oh, I must have used (insert relative)'s number."

These phrases are what set you apart as an expert Wal-Mart customer and will put you a league above your competition. Use them well and use them often. In fact, print this sheet to use as a quick reference guide.

Now that you have completed your transaction, it is time return to your car with your war spoils.

Part FOUR: Leaving the Store and Returning Home

So, you begin your departure from the store when suddenly the worst thing possible happens. The alarm goes off. The incessant beeping rings through the store attracting the attention of everyone around. Suddenly, you feel about 3 inches tall. You stop, preferably right between the detectors in order to sustain the beeping. Totally blind sided, a look of horror mixed with a look of a deer-in-headlights crosses your face and you fumble for your receipt. Then, the lovely door greeter comes and assures you that it's okay while scrounging through your war booty. He looks at your receipt and sends you on your happy way and unload your spoils into your car/van/truck/SUV/moped. Now you are left with an empty cart. Whatever shall you do?

You have a few options. 1) You could return your cart to the cart return and do the cart pushers job for them. However, if you did this the cart pushers would have nothing to do except sit and wait for someone to not do their job. Not acceptable. 2) You could simply push it to the closest stable curb. This is quite effective and eliminates the waiting done by cart pushers. It also adds a nice decorative flair to the curb. Or 3) You could simply leave the cart where you are. This is easy and reduces the need for extra movement and thus, is what most wise customers will do. It also gives the cart pushers something to do and I'm sure they will thank you for it.

Conclusion

You have successfully completed your course in How to Shop at Wal-Mart. You should give yourself a high five and hold your head high, for today, you became a new breed of shopper. Congratulations!