Short Attention Man Stands Up for the Environment

People have asked me, "What have you done for the environment? You're in the media! You can take a stand!" I guess this is where I should tell them that I think I need a little more credibility than one column, but that would be a digression from the point, and anyone can tell you I never do that!

So, I'm going to take this time today to remind you of the many wonderful things you, the everyday consumer, can do to help the environment. Of course, there's Ol' Reliable itself, recycling, something we all should do. I can't tell you how good even that little contribution makes me feel, when I throw my plastic bottle in the "plastic" can, I feel like a hero.

Like Captain Planet. Oh, man, was that lame, or what? I mean, was Ted Turner on drugs or something? Wind, earth, fire, water, I can see. But heart? What does heart have to do with it? That poor little kid, it's like he was the last one picked in gym class, tossed out like a piece...of...

Paper! There's another thing you can recycle, and the more that is recycled, the more trees that can be saved. The lungs of the planet, cleaning the air, all that good stuff, and home to many animals, like birds, squirrels, the occasional tiger.

I tell you what, imagine the surprise you'd get climbing up a tree and seeing that big ol' kitty up there. I mean, what if he's only had, like, 10 or 12 squirrels. He'd probably be a little peckish, might just wanna taste ya. Wait a minute, do tigers climb trees? Is it something else I'm thinking of?

A light bulb just went off over my head! Oh, oh, now I remember....

Changing your light bulbs is a good way to save energy. Flourescent light bulbs are shown to take less energy than their regular counterparts, and give off the same amount of light for that reduced amount.

Oh, it's panthers, isn't it? Panthers climb trees! Or is it both? Now, do you think they send the fire department when they get stuck in the trees? Yeah, that would be an argument worth watching. "No, I got the last 600-pound cat out of the tree, it's your turn! Oh, sure, now you use 'I outrank you'! Well, fine, I'll just....AAAAHHHH!"

I'm getting off subject here. Or am I? What was I writing about? Big cats? Firemen? The env...

Yes, the environment. So, folks, seriously, do your part. Little things here and there add up. Turning off the water when you brush your teeth, changing light bulbs, buying recycled or other "green" products, reducing the length of your showers.

How about sharing showers? I mean, it makes perfect sense to me, you get two showers done at once, it's less energy, it's more fun, oops.

Good thing I stopped myself. This is a family paper after all. It could be hazardous to my career if I mentioned that time with the two goats and...

(Editors' Note: Rest of article deleted for content.)