Should You Be Afraid of Living Manic?

There is no definitive way to tell when manic depression began in my life. As far as I know - I was born with it. Diagnosis came in my teens and so did misunderstanding. Being different and struggling to cope in day to day life has been a way of living for as long as I can remember.

Manic depression better known as Bi-Polar disorder sounds innocuous enough. Maybe a temporary situation that is curable with pills and therapy? In reality, at best, it's manageable and only possible if one cares enough to. I have been guilty of denying my disease and not caring enough far too many times in history. Trying to outrun the stigma attached to, now don't shudder here, mental illness.

Okay I said it - mental illness! Don't be afraid, I'm not your garden variety nut job. And no, I don't know anyone named Nurse Ratched. Just because society still lumps this condition in the same medical category as schizophrenia and the like doesn't mean I have ever been or should be institutionalized. I am simply a woman affected by a chemical imbalance in her brain. It isn't communicable or catching unless you are born by me and that part of my life is over.

There are plenty of metaphors to choose from to describe the experience of "living manic" for those unafflicted. My favorite would be: The roller coaster of life!

Yippeeeee, riding your favorite coaster at the amusement park. Standing in line for hours to experience those heart-stopping one minute thrills with each ride. High up on that hill looking down ready for the rapid plunge, screaming at the top of your lungs, scared but excited, hands in the air, having the time of your life......

Next you're down at the bottom, doing barrel rolls and corkscrew turns. Flying right and left through the air, heart pounding rapidly. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! You can't wait to do it again. You have a great time and then go home happy and exhausted.

Although it is a ride, in no way would I describe living manic as fun. And the thrills or manic episode's are usually not recommended. On the other hand, depression or the lows aren't any better. There are no warning signs that my mood is going to change or how it will manifest itself. Most times in my case - anger, frustration and tears will lead to rash behavior and decisions that end in regret later. Depression results from what I call the manic crash and regret. There are no magic pills to curb or cure any of the symptoms fully. Are you ready to sign up yet?

But wait! Have we discussed the trials and tribulations of medications, health insurance providers, doctors, therapists, etc to help complicate things further? Which medication works and which doesn't? Is it a combination of meds? Do the meds cause anxiety and/or panic when curbing depression or suicidal thoughts? Does it affect your weight, sex drive, eating and sleeping habits? How strong are the meds and will you be able to function to work and take care of responsibilities? Or what it's like living sleep deprived because of meds AND your brain refuses to cooperate with schedules, responsibilities and clocks. Will your insurance pay and/or will you be refused therapy because underwriters do not want to pay for treatment? Don't get me started on the mental health system in general and how badly it is underfunded to help those worse off than I am.

I have to mention also the wonderful joys of womanhood. Thanks to "faulty plumbing" I have also endured as a manic depressive: abnormal menstrual periods, hormonal imbalances, hell on wheels - PMS, full Hysterectomy at 31 and eventually menopause by 40. Which has just made me more of a Joy to live with and/or be friend's with and/or be related to on a constant basis. How many times can one apologize and say that there aren't enough words to fully express sorrow? **You all know who you are and I am sincere.

And then we have the issue of a livelihood to survive. The ultimate stress that comes with having to support yourself and loved ones who have hung in there and haven't run screaming yet! Manic depression isn't merely mental but also physical in illness and again often misunderstood. You are either accused of making things up, making excuses repeatedly for attention and/or are a hypochondriac. None is the case - trust me! Would you want to be sick all the time? Yeah, well me either - but I am manic and do not want to be! The toughest part would be keeping a good job and relationships with bosses and co-workers for a long duration. Will anyone understand if you are honest? Add in HIPAA and when to Tell - Don't Tell policy. Sound familiar like the military and another issue? The best that I can hope for is that once I am honest - employers will work with me. "Please do not take me personally on a bad day -they do happen infrequently."

I don't expect any special treatment and I give my job 150% of my ability everyday. I am "old school" with my work ethic and believe that no matter what obstacles life throws at me, I must do my very best. Employer's love that I work like a whirling dervish, am organized and efficient and always expect more! But they are also quick to point out the one negative item and usually forget the 80 positive ones that I have accomplished just that week. I must note that my job is in a mid-level administrative capacity for a small company - not brain surgery, police work, government office or some high level cabinet appointment. Those vendor bills, invoices, bank recs and mail, etc., are still going to be there waiting for me to tend to them tomorrow.

Getting older I have begun to notice that by keeping as much stress out of my daily life, the manic episodes happen less frequently. Plus as long as I take my medications regularly, get as much sleep as possible and stick to regular schedules I am less prone to the debilitating depression as often also. Mess with any of this combination though and anything at anytime is likely to happen.

I would love to have complete control of my body, moods and actions 100% of the time like most. I work hard at it. And to be honest, I pray each night for the courage to make it through another day as normal as everyone else. Sometimes it happens and other times it doesn't. Everyday I get up on my metaphoric Surfboard and Ride the Wave with the hope not to dump it in the Ocean of Life too often.