Should You Be Getting Married?

You have the pretty white dress already purchased and altered. Your bridesmaids are throwing you a pre-wedding bash and everything has been paid for and finalized. Everything outwardly seems wonderful but there are doubts tugging at your mind. Should you call it off?

How do you tell the difference between pre-wedding jitters and true reasons to back out? I have a friend who wishes she had known. Her husband cheating on her interrupted her short marriage. Not just with one woman either. She suspects he had a different girl every weekend for a year! To make matters worse when she announced she was pregnant he refused to believe it and kept going with his affairs. While it took a while for her to untangle him from her life she's finally let him go and has begun to move on.

I wish there was something I could have done to save her this misery. He obviously wasn't ready to be married. I do believe he loved her but he just wasn't ready for anything remotely resembling commitment. A few days before the wedding he was crying his eyes out on my shoulder. I did everything I could to assure him he was just nervous. Boy was I wrong! In retrospect I wish I would have urged him to talk to her about his feelings and to consider at least postponing the event. She may have hated me at the time but it would have saved her so much pain.

Cold Feet

Sometimes it's hard to tell if it's just cold feet or something that may threaten the marriage. Sometimes people marry because of family or peer pressure. Single women fall into this trap many times due to family pressure. "You are turning thirty this year, I can't believe you aren't married yet!"

Consider the source of your nervousness. Are you just worried nothing will go right and the wedding will be a disaster or are you worried you are making a huge mistake? Close your eyes and picture where you want your life to go and all of the dreams you have. Is this person there? Are they someone you want to be a part of everything you want or are they standing in the way?

If you try to dismiss your doubts because everything is already paid for or your family will be ticked off if you call it off you may be heading for disaster. The simple truth is this is your life. It doesn't matter how anyone feels but you. It's far cheaper to get married than to get unmarried. If you lose a few deposits that's so much better than spending three years battling a spouse in divorce court. If you don't want to do it or you still aren't sure, don't do it!

We're Having a Baby

This point is highly debatable and the decision to marry due to pregnancy is often a religious one. It can also be an issue of responsibility not love. It may seem like the right thing to do but if you aren't in love and not ready to commit your life to the other person you will most likely end up a miserable mess. I can't imagine a child being better off in a household where his or her parents are not in love, miserable and resentful.

Abuse

It seems obvious but you may be surprised how many women will marry a man who abuses them thinking marriage will make it stop. It won't get better, it'll get worse. Abusers often seek control and what better way to control you than to marry you? The abuse will continue and will get worse. Get out. Now.

Long Term Relationship

"We've been together for so long I think it's time we got married." "We already live together so why not?" Neither of these are good reasons to get married. Some couples live together for years on end and then get married. The marriage fizzles fast and they are left wondering why. It's probably because they got married because it seemed like the obvious next step rather than something they wanted to do.

He/She Will Change

"He's a drinker but once we marry he'll cut down." "She spends way too much money on clothes but once we have a mortgage she'll cut down." Wrong! Marriage does not cure your relationship issues. In fact it may intensify them. You can't change a person's bad habits by marrying them. Don't marry any faults that you can't spend the rest of your life accepting.

I'm Afraid of Being Alone

They aren't Mr. or Mrs. Right but they are pleasant, kind and trustworthy. The passion just isn't there but you don't want to be alone anymore. This may work out for some people but chances are it won't. The most passionate loves settle into something more comfortable and far less intense. Sometimes even these marriages fail. Why do you want to walk in with half the battle lost already?

Being alone is what you make it. Live your life to the fullest regardless of your marital status. The happier you make yourself the less you will care. Don't marry just because you are afraid of being alone or you are afraid no one else will want you. You are better off standing on your own two feet.

I'm Gay

Please don't ever do this to anyone. Some gay men and women will marry to hide their orientation from the world. Reasons for this vary including an unwillingness to tell their family about who they really are to not wanting to risk a great job that may frown upon their lifestyle. This may also happen because they have the strong urge to have children.

If you marry someone without disclosing your true self you are doing him or her a huge disservice. They deserve to know the whole truth and to marry someone who truly loves them and wants to be with them for the rest of their lives. If you want children look into adoption. If you want to keep your status secret you can do so without getting married. This mistake will make both of your unbearably unhappy in the long run.