Should I Give Up on My Marriage?

I had the unfortunate experience of being told by my husband that he didn't love me anymore. He denied an affair but after a phone call from an angry husband of a coworker, I knew my world would never be the same. A year and a half later after a very strong and earnest battle on my part to save my marriage, he moved out. Eleven months later I filed for divorce and six months after that I found myself 40 and single with two teens after 18 years of marriage.

I posted an article entitled "When Your Husband Doesn't Love You Anymore" which has gotten many comments, questions, and has become a forum for many to share their heartbreaking and similar stories. At the time I wrote that article I was in the throws of the fight to save my marriage and like a good professional athlete going for the championship title, I lived and breathed to win it.

During the battle, I heard things from my husband like, "Don't you just want me to be happy?" or "I've given you half my life already I don't want you to have the other half." or "I'm done, I can't do this anymore. I need to think about what's best for me."

When I reminded him he had two children that he needed to at the very least put before his own needs, I was told, "This is not about the kids, it is about me and you." I tried to communicate that our failure to prevail will end up hurting them the most. That I would be able to move on and love again but they only get one Daddy and one family and he was talking about breaking their world apart for his own needs instead of theirs.

As I read the comments of my previous article I am touched by the sadness and desperation some are experiencing and especially the comments asking, how long should I wait? Is there ever a point where I should just give up?

I desperately wanted to save my marriage. I lost that battle. Coming to terms with that loss was a very difficult process that came after a series of realizations that came in stages. Here they are:

Stage one: Fight the Good Fight

I decided I would stand up for my marriage no matter what the cost to my own happiness.

As a Christian woman I strove to "lay captive" every thought for the Lord. I prayed for God's heart.

At first I completely focused on my husband's needs and turned inward trying to see ways I could improve. I knew this would be pleasing to God and in the end I would be better for it no matter what happened. I prayed more, served more willingly, and genuinely wanted my husband to see how much I loved him and was willing to change what I could to improve the marriage.

It is much of what I talked about in my article "When Your Husband Doesn't Love You Anymore". I was determined to show him a perfect, loving, selfless and genuine spirit. There were two things that went wrong with this approach.

First, it was not a two way street. I was the only one making such sacrifices. He had already decided in his mind that it was a lost cause and that he wanted out. He did nothing to meet me half way. Instead he sat back and watched my effort and the progress I was making and predicted soon to come failure. "This is not the real you. She will be back sooner or later, you'll never change. Just you wait." He would say.

Second, I needed to remind myself that I AM HUMAN and I was in fact, not perfect. After months of little to no recognition from him I would panic and I would either lash out in anger or fall apart crying in a puddle of my tears leaving him the open door to say, "I told you. Here she is. This is the real you." I ended up feeling like a constant failure. The grace I was extending to him was not being returned but instead thrown back in my face.

So I was alone in my struggle and I was being condemned for the effort.

Stage two: Utter and Total Despair

Obviously, whatever I was doing was not working. In fact, the more nice things I did for him seemed to get in return an even more distant and disdain filled response. Had my husband still been trying with a genuine heart to do his part I'm certain things would have gotten better at this point. Instead, I couldn't win. I was damned if I did and if I didn't.

I had to realize that it was completely out of my hands and there was absolutely nothing I could do to "fix it." I had to give it to the Lord. But what does that even mean? I knew the Bible said God hates divorce so it could not possibly mean giving up on my marriage?

Reality was my husband was not looking at me anymore. Literally not looking at me. He came home after dinner when he wanted to. He was sleeping in the living room. When I asked every month or so if things were getting better, he said that he had not changed his mind nor would he ever change his mind. He was determined to leave as soon as he could figure out how. He denied the affair but I had reason to suspect it had not ended.

I made vows. Does that mean I had to put up with this for the rest of my life? Is this what God required from me? I cried every single night and most days. I did not know what to do next. I contemplated suicide. Every day seemed like torture. I did not want to show my kids failure but I literally felt like I was drowning. I prayed still for a miracle.

I had made a promise to God, I didn't want to break that promise. But my husband was showing himself unworthy. I knew that God was worthy to be honored and I wanted to honor Him with my steadfastness. It seemed hopeless.

Stage three: What Should Be versus What Is

There is a very familiar scene that plays out during many movies set in the desert. The starving, hot, thirsty man looks off in the distance and sees an oasis. Almost at his last breath, he somehow musters the energy to run toward the water teasing him in the distance, only to discover he was running aimlessly through the sand toward nothing. Nothing at all.

What I'm about to say might be considered controversial but let me say that it is with a heavy heart and only after stage one and two have been applied to the relationship.

There does come a point when you might be in a marriage but you don't have one anymore. When you're partner has completely given up, broken their vows and made no effort toward reconciliation. You may be in a marriage of one which is no marriage at all.

It's called facing reality. And for people who love the Lord and believe he can do anything, it is the most difficult stage to reach. Because giving up on your marriage feels like giving up on God. Only it's not.

God alone is worthy. God alone will never let you down. People have free will. They can sin. They can hurt us. They can destroy what could be a victory through their selfish disobedience. So when a spouse checks out of a marriage, it is their weakness, their undoing, their choice to sin. At the same time while God calls us to be forgiving, only He truly has unlimited unconditional love.

God has put in allowances for divorce in the Bible for a reason. Sometimes it is necessary. God wants the best for all of us. He does not want sin to weigh us down or keep us from pursuing a life glorifying Him. I had to consider, maybe God is allowing my spouse to leave because He knows his heart and He knows I will be better off without him in the end.

Does God want us to teach our children that we should become blankets created to be trampled by the ones who are supposed to be lifting us up and encouraging us? Does He want us to tolerate sin in our homes month after month without any move toward repentance? Or does He teach discipline and strength?

I came to the realization that telling my husband that if he was not going to honor me as his wife, commit to the marriage and turn from what he was doing outside the marriage than he needed to leave the home until he could be a husband again. Saying that to him was a huge step. But I was not giving up on God. I was being obedient to God who hates sin. I still left open the possibility that our marriage could be reconciled but I would no longer tolerate it in my home.

I had to accept the reality that my husband was blatantly disregarding his promise to me and to God with his words and actions. It was not my failure. It was his. I could not make him do anything. He knew the day he left that I did not want it. I wanted to show our kids victory. He knew it was his choice. It was the worst day of my life but my conscience was clear. I knew I had been obedient to God through it all.

Stage Four: Put Your Trust In God

As soon as I stopped trying to save my marriage I was able to see how I had put that task above serving and trusting in God. While I had convinced myself I was serving Him through saving my marriage, I really was just afraid. I was afraid to be alone. I was afraid to be financially unstable. I was afraid what my church family would think, what my biological family would think. I was afraid of what would happen to my children's hopes and dreams for their own marriages. I had to somehow trust that even my divorce was in God's hands and allowed by Him for a reason and that all things would work together for good. Even this. Even for my kids. I had no idea how but I had to trust.

If God was allowing it, I had to accept it. It was really hard to do.

This has been the longest stage. I think I will be in it forever, and maybe that's not a bad thing.

I began by putting one foot in front of the other. After he moved out and was openly seeing this other woman I had suspected all along, I had to decide what to do next. I could do nothing. But I got calls from pastors at my church telling me that it was okay in the church's view for me to seek a divorce if that is what I felt God was directing me to do. I had been in a sense abandoned. I also had confirmation from my husband that he had been unfaithful to me.

After much prayer I decided that I would file for a divorce. I did this for two reasons. One, I needed to protect myself financially for my children's sake. And two, at this point i was in limbo. I was neither married nor divorced. I was lonely and hoped someday that I would be able to find love again. I knew that could not happen if I did nothing.

I let my husband know that I would still be interested in reconciling if he was ready to be 100% in the marriage but I knew it was a long shot. He never once showed even a hint of wanting to come home.

It has been over a year now and I am happy to report the gaping wound has moved toward healing. I thank God for verses like Lamentations 3: 21-24 (ESV):

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him."

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am proof. I thought this would break me. But I'm finding a brand new life in the Lord where there is new hope, and new love that I would not have even dared to dream of. I am smiling and laughing and can appreciate how far I have come. My kids are wounded. There is no way around it. But we talk all the time and have a strong open relationship.

And I thank God for every minute of it and every stage I went through because it proved to me that I am who I say I am. It has shown that to my children as well. I was strong enough to weather the storm because I took Jesus with me every step along the way. I was not perfect, I made mistakes, got hysterical, made some bad choices. But I never lost my faith that God loved me and that in the end it would all work toward good. It did.

What happened after my divorce is an amazing and wonderful story that I have written about in my blog titled Improvised Life. In case you are interested to hear how the story evolved.