Should Having a Child Make You Happy, or is it the Other Way Around?

If you were born in the Western World, you have choices, in everything. I don't think we realize that often. So the "choice" to "take a child" or not, to have a relationship at all, or stay single is often true. Do children really "make" you happier than you were before? If you don't have children right now, but are contemplating to have one, will that make your relationship happier? Perhaps if you have a child you get that feeling of belonging, to that group called "mothers".
But what if it's all a big illusion?

I had a friend who could not get pregnant. So after ten years of trying to conceive, it was decided to adopt a baby. She told me that she thought by having a child she would be seen more as an adult, and no doubt this baby would give her a ticket into the big word-wide club called "motherhood". I tried in vain to explain that having a child involved a lot more than that. She would not listen to me. Also, according to this friend, her relationship with her husband would be a lot better; he would see her as a "whole woman" the moment she had a baby.

The baby arrived. Unfortunately it was a disaster from day 1. The baby was a real person, and as babies do, cried a lot. And need constant care and love and cuddles. It got fed and clothed but my friend saw the child as an intrusion in her relationship with her husband, so the child was pushed away a lot. It hurt me to see a child being treated this way. So, this child has not lived up to the expectation of my friend at all: it has not enhanced her relationship, and she still has no feelings of belonging. Her hopes were to become happy through this child. In my view about the worst reason to want a child.

Suppose you are in a relationship, and both of you have careers that are interesting and fulfilling. You own the house you want, drive the car you want and travel a bit. But you have no children. You are perfectly happy within yourselves. If you don't miss having children, why would you have them? It is entirely up to you to decide to have them or not. I know, Mum and Dad would love to spoil little grand-children, but keep in mind, this will be your decision, and yours alone. If you do decide to have a child, you should already be happy within yourself and not count on a child to make you happy. On the contrary, it is your job to make it happy, not the other way around!

It is totally unfair, in my view, to expect your child to make you happy.If you were an unhappy person before, it is not going to happen and it will make your child unhappy as well. If you are in a bad relationship, having a child is certainly not going to make things better; probably worse. And it will be very unfair to the child to say the least.

Of course children give you love. I have one and I love him unconditionally and he loves me. But I was happy within myself before I got pregnant and so was my husband. We are not depending on our child for our happiness, and so we can give him all the love he wants.