Should You Interfere with the Life of Your Grown-up Child?

It is difficult for parents, who for years have shouldered the legal, financial and moral responsibility for their child, to suddenly stop this level of involvement when their child reaches eighteen. How doe you go from being an active to an inactive parent?

In general, you should not interfere at all once your children become adults. Grown-up children have a right to direct their own lives. This includes the right to experiment, to make mistakes, to change their mind, and even to fail. While it may be difficult for you to stand on the sidelines and watch them fail in school, in their career, in a relationship or in a business venture, interfering to protect them from the consequences of their choices and actions usually makes things worse for them as well as for your relationship with them.

Experience is a venerable teacher. Children often learn more effectively from their own experience than from their parents' lectures. Many young adults resent being told what to do by their parents. Over involvement with your children may inhibit them and interfere with their ability to take risks that adults need to take.

Exceptions to this general rule of non interference are few and have to do with legal or medical incompetence. If, for example, your grown-up child was declared mentally incompetent due to an accident or illness, of course you would be involved with managing the child's affairs, unless the child had a spouse who could take over.

Another exception to the non-interference rule is in the case of chemical dependency. While this is a very sensitive issue, if you are relatively certain that your child is addicted to alcohol or drugs, and that his addiction is seriously threatening your child's health, decision making ability, family or career, you may need to set up an intervention or be prepared to participate in an intervention initiated by someone else, such as a spouse or employer.

The reason for this exception to the rule is that chemically dependent persons are usually not able to fully understand the seriousness of their illness or to respond appropriately to their predicament. This is due to the effect the disease has on their thinking process.

Another very sensitive area is religion. Some people believe that young adults can be seduces, brainwashed and recruited against their will into cults or religious groups. Sometimes parents whose grown-up children have joined religious groups have gone so far as to kidnap their children and have them deprogrammed - a kind of reverse brainwashing. This kind of interference is rarely appropriate and should be undertaken is your child can be classified as a vulnerable adult. Vulnerable adults are those who are mentally or physically handicapped in some way.

The best way to move from being an active parent to an inactive parent is to focus your attention on some aspects of your life besides parenting. This is especially important if, as a mother, you have devoted your life exclusively to rearing your child. If you do not have a career or job outside your home, it may be more difficult for you to refocus your attention on satisfying and challenging aspects of your own life.

You will find this transition easier if you develop your own goals, follow your own dreams, and make your own plans. If you have a compelling future, one that draws you forward and is not tied to the fortunes of your grown-up children, you will be less tempted to interfere in their lives. You will be too busy enjoying your own life to be distracted by theirs. This new focus in your life will free your children to live as they please without fear of your over involvement.