Should You Maintain Close Ties with Your Adult Child's Ex?

They seemed great for one another, and you thought - or at least hoped - that they'd always be together. But at some point your adult child and his or her significant other decided that they were better off apart than together and decided to call it quits. You seemed to take it the hardest - having to come to terms with the fact that this individual whom you welcomed into your heart would no longer play a formal role in your life. You probably asked yourself, "How should I relate to this person now? What is appropriate?"

There are some important factors to consider when deciding how close you should remain to your son or daughter's ex. You may feel that just because their relationship ended doesn't mean yours has to, and depending on the circumstances, this could be the case. However, parents sometimes cling much more tightly to their adult children's former loves than they should, and this can cause major problems in the end. Before making a firm decision, you may want to do the following:

Assess the relationship between your adult child and their ex, and whether or not it is on good terms. If the two of them are bickering, engaging in a custody battle or bitter over their past relationship, you need to ask yourself whether it is truly worth it to remain close to the ex. While you don't necessarily have to cut off ties with your child's former love completely, it may be wise to put some distance between the two of you for a while and see if they are able to work through the drama and learn to be civil toward one another.

Try to gauge whether or not the ex wants back into the relationship. If this is the case, beware. While the ex may be quite fond of you, they may also be using their relationship with you to keep up with your adult child's life and try to work their way back in. Some signs that this is happening might include: 1) the ex frequently talks to you about the relationship and his or her feelings about what caused it to end; 2) the ex asks you to relay messages to your adult child on his or her behalf; 3) the ex invites him or herself to family gatherings that you may have casually mentioned at some point - with the hopes of seeing your son or daughter there; or 4) the ex asks you to talk some sense into your child regarding their current situation. If you notice any of these signs, you should let the person know that while you still care very much for them, your son or daughter has moved on and they should do the same. This is the case even if you would love nothing more than for them to get back together.

Consider your grandchildren, if you have any as a result of this former union. These are and will always be your grandchildren, regardless of what is taking place between their parents. If you really like your son or daughter's ex and they do not have custody of your grandchildren, you can talk to your child and determine whether it would be appropriate for the ex to visit with their kids in your home sometimes. If they do have custody and still get along well with you, visitation should not be a big problem.

Take your adult child's current love interest into consideration. If your son or daughter has moved on from the past relationship, there is a good possibility that they have entered into a new one. No matter how much you adore the ex, show respect for the current mate by limiting your conversations about the ex when he or she is around and reminiscing about the times that you all shared together. Never compare the ex to the current love if there were things about the ex that you liked better. This will lead to nothing but problems between you and your child, especially if it creates drama within their relationship.