Should Parents Let Kids "Fight it Out"?

Anyone who has ever supervised more than one child at a time knows that it isn't entirely uncommon for kids to disagree. Equally well known, is that a simple childish disagreement can quickly progress into an argument or even a physical altercation. So what are parents or other supervising adults supposed to do when kids start to bicker and fight? There are different schools of thought on how to deal with kids who are arguing, and some parents feel strongly that kids should be left alone to "fight it out" amongst themselves. As parents or child caregivers, we can't always intervene and mediate every single time kids disagree, or we'd have little time for anything else. But is it best to let kids "fight it out"? Before deciding if this is the route you want to take with the kids in your care, consider the following points.

Allowing kids to become physically violent with each other does not prepare them for life as adults - Sure, there may be times when some adults want to just let the arguing kids in their care pummel each other until one or both of them gives up. In truth though, this does nothing to prepare kids for adulthood or even a functional childhood. As adults, we can't just go around beating on other people when we don't agree with them, or we'd all be in jail. And kids who hit are disliked by everyone (with exception maybe of certain very dysfunctional parents who get some kind of twisted satisfaction out of watching their kids overpower others. Unfortunately, this seems to be a growing trend in our country.) The bottom line is that allowing kids to hit one another, and even worse, encouraging them to "fight it out", only retards their social development.

When kids are arguing, consider the facts - Just because kids are fighting, does not necessarily mean they are both wrong, and therefore should be left to "fight it out" on their own. Some children are just aggressive and controlling by nature, and these types of kids learn quickly how to manipulate these situations to their advantage. Alternately, some kids are by nature quite subdued or passive, and it's really not okay to just allow a bullying type of child to push everyone around. In this circumstance, allowing children to "fight it out" doesn't serve any purpose, except to allow the bullying child to do what they do best. A bullying child is not a functional child, and it can be safely assumed that a child who is allowed to operate in this way, absent of consequences or adult intervention, will not grow up to be a very functional adult, either.

Remember that aggression comes in other forms besides actual hitting - We've all witnessed it; a kid who walks up and yanks a toy away from another kid. There are a slew of parents who just stand by and let the kids "fight it out" in these types of situations (or even have the audacity to refer to it as letting the kids "work" it out). Again, this type of aggression in a child, not to mention the blaring lack of respect for the personal being and belongings of others is, in the opinion of this seasoned mom, really a red flag. Parents who ignore and allow this type of behavior in their children are not doing them any favors. On the contrary, they are doing them a disservice that may very well lead to a lifetime of inappropriate behaviors and relationships on the part of their child.

So the next time you are tempted to just let the kids "fight it out", consider the possibility that this approach is really just an unwillingness to put forth the effort to teach a child appropriate and respectful behavior. Furthermore, parents who permit this type of aggression and lack of respect should keep in mind that at some point this child must function as an adult. An adult who cannot function without aggression and violence is likely to experience serious problems including unemployment, divorce, and even prison. It may be just a childish squabble today, but children who are not adequately guided away from aggressive behaviors may find themselves in very serious and problematic adult circumstances just a few short years down the road.