Should You Tell Your Child that You Have a Chronic Illness?

If you suffer from a chronic illness, you may wonder if you should tell your child about it. Perhaps you are feeling a bit protective and not wanting to worry your child about your health. Or, you may feel that information about your illness is too complicated for your child to grasp due to his or her age and comprehension level. Before you decide to keep your condition to yourself, however, there are a few important things you should consider.

First, any sign that you are not your usual self is bound to raise a red flag in your child's mind, even if you are doing your best to function in a normal capacity. Like many people with chronic illnesses, you may be extremely irritable at times or depressed, and no matter how silent you are about your health it will have an impact on your child if they notice a significant change in your overall mood. The last thing you want them to do is to think that they are somehow the cause of your unexplained behavior.

Second, if your illness causes you pain or impairs your ability to perform certain basic tasks that you once carried out with ease, this will be noticeable to your child and they will begin to wonder what is wrong. It is quite traumatic for a child of any age (but especially for very young kids) to see a parent in obvious physical pain or hear him or her cry and not know what is going on. Furthermore, although you probably don't want to burden your child with your illness, you may ultimately find that you need their help with very basic tasks, such as getting a glass of water to take your pain medicine with, or calling for help should a medical emergency arise and there is no other adult present who can assist you.

Third, if your illness prevents you from being able to regularly participate in important aspects of your child's life, he or she may not be at an age to figure out that it's nothing personal. Your absence from school plays, recitals, award ceremonies and football or baseball games will be felt deeply and could possibly cause resentment or feelings of rejection in your child. You know in your heart that you love your child but they may begin to question this love over time if you are a "no show" for important events and no one ever bothers to explain why.

Last, if your illness is very serious, you may end up in the hospital for some time, which can be extremely difficult for a child - particularly a young one - to understand. This will be the case especially if they are not allowed to visit you during your hospital stay, which often happens in severe situations where the parent may be in intensive care or simply does not want the child to see him or her in pain. It will also change the normal routine at home and require that another adult - either your spouse, a close friend or relative or hired caretaker - step in temporarily until you are back on your feet, which can be difficult for a young child to adjust to, particularly if they don't understand why they have to.

If you do choose to share some details about your illness with your child for one or more of the aforementioned reasons, you should take their age and emotional maturity into consideration when deciding how much information to share and how to go about sharing it. With young children, it's best to keep things short and simple. Explaining that sometimes Mommy or Daddy doesn't feel well is a good starting point, but depending on your child's level of inquisitiveness, you may be asked a series of "whys" as you try to relay basic information without revealing too much. Be prepared for these and use whatever strategies have worked best in educating your children at home about different things, whether it's drawing pictures for them to illustrate what you're going through or using storytelling as a way of explaining your condition.

Older children may exhibit a range of emotions, from denial to wanting to "save" you and make everything better. They may use avoidance as a defense mechanism because they either don't know how to deal with your illness or have a fear of losing you. Or, they may not want to leave your side, even though you want them to live their lives as they always have and not to spend every waking moment worrying about you.

In some instances, it may be a good idea to provide your child with information about your health that they can read. Educational DVDs or TV specials that you can watch together and discuss are even better options. You may find it helpful to consult with your doctor about the latter and ask for recommendations if you decide to go this route.

If you decide to tell your child about your chronic illness, make certain that your health does not become the sole topic of conversation in your household, no matter how much your child brings it up. Listen carefully to their fears and concerns and try to share whatever information you think would be helpful, but take advantage of the times when you are feeling okay mentally and physically to enjoy special, fun times with them and focus on life as a whole instead of your illness. Be sure to encourage your child to talk about his or her day at school and share other important details of their life so that they will not become completely consumed with your health. And most importantly, let them know how much you love them and that even if you have bad days, you will continue loving them no matter what.

One parent that I know of secretly plants short love notes for her young daughter in her backpack and lunch box whenever she has to be away from her. Some of them are funny notes and drawings to make her laugh. Others are touching, sentimental notes to remind her that she is loved. This seems to work wonders whenever her child is feeling sad or worried. While it's something that all parents could benefit from doing - even the healthy ones - it could be particularly meaningful for your child if your illness prevents you from being as actively involved in their lives as you once were.

In short, it would be unwise to completely rule out telling your child that you are sick until you have thoroughly considered the implications that not telling them may have on them. Your intentions to protect or shield them from the harsh realities of life might be appropriate for a time, especially if your child is too young to understand or not emotionally ready to handle this information. However, if your illness is one that you will not be able to conceal indefinitely, either due to obvious or severe symptoms, your need for bed rest or hospital stays, or a grim prognosis, you may find it necessary to discuss your health situation with your child and help equip them with the knowledge and the strength to accept and cope with it.