Should Young Children Be Allowed to Attend a Funeral?

There is a tendency in our society to deny death. We have so many euphemisms for death that we never have to say that someone is dead. Many people are in their thirties before they attend their first funeral. Most of us do not want to talk or even think about death.

This is an unhealthy attitude. After all, death is a part of life. Without death, our lives would lose their meaning. We often don't fully appreciate our lives until we are reminded - usually by the death of someone close to us - how transient life really is. If we had forever to live, there would be no need to do anything now. We could postpone everything until later, and our lives would lose their urgency. Without at least some sense of urgency, life becomes dull and devoid of meaning and purpose.

No one should be protected from the reality of death, including children. Many parents, however, are uncertain about how to teach their children about death and dying. Others think that they should not discuss death with children, for fear that they will not understand it or that it will frighten them. Actually, these parents are usually protecting themselves. Children don't have difficulty accepting death. So much of their lives is based on what adults tell them that death is no different.

Small children, up to the age of five or so, do not grasp the finality of death. They can grasp the concept of departure, but their concept of time is not fully developed. Children, between the ages of five and ten tend to personify death. They think of it in terms of something scary that be avoided. After the age of nine or ten, children begin to gain a full understanding of death. They know that it happens to everyone and it is permanent, and they can begin to understand some religious interpretations of death.

Children of all ages should attend funerals and other family activities associated with someone's death. Children should be given clear, honest answers to their questions about death and dying. Taking children to a cemetery, either for a burial or to visit a grave, is a wonderful opportunity to answer their questions about death and to share with them something of their ancestral heritage. Children need information about their ancestors. It helps them in their identity formation.

The ability to mourn is an important aspect of emotional maturity. Emotionally healthy people feel their personal losses deeply and mourn them freely. Mourning helps us to heal the emotional wound caused by loss.

By helping your children feel at ease in expressing grief and mourning, you will have created for them an atmosphere in which they can freely be themselves. This is very important for their emotional development and growing maturity.