Sibling Arguments: How to Stop Children from Fighting with Each Other

Knowing how to stop children from fighting with each other is valuable information in the parenting world. "How do I stop my children from fighting with each other?" is a question that many of us with more than one child close in age will eventually ask. My experience so far is with siblings around two years apart and under six years of age. I have learned a great deal about how to stop children from fighting with each other in the past three and a half years.

The first step in stopping children from fighting with each other is to keep in mind the age of your children. If your children are between the ages of two years old and six years old, they are going to fight. Most of the fights will be over toys. Go ahead, accept it. There, now you are ready to begin learning how to stop your children from fighting with each other.

First, do not heed the advice to "let them work it out alone". With small children it is not safe to do that. Use the times that your children are arguing to teach lessons about sharing, kindness and the golden rule. As your children get older they will become better equipped to "work it out" between (or among!) themselves. For them to get to that point you must be ever present and step in to squabbles often. If you go ahead and prepare yourself to help them work things out you will be pleasantly surprised when they work some things out all by themselves.

Next, be proactive. To stop children from fighting with each other you must know their triggers. Set them up for success. Don't put them in a situation together (playing to closely to each other, etc) that will cause them to argue with each other. Give them time away from each other every day with a daily quiet time. This space from each other allows them to play comfortably without being on edge about having to protect their space and their toys. Know that from time to time their fighting may not be about each other or a toy, but instead they are hungry or tired or even bored.

An important factor that will stop children from fighting with each other is whether or not they know what to do instead of fighting. Give them acceptable words to say to each other. This is easier with three-six year olds than with two year olds. However, if you start giving your child the words to say when he or she is under the age of two (you do this by saying the words for them before they are able to talk), by the time they are three, with reminders, they can produce polite conversation and problem solving with their siblings.

For example, if Child A wants a toy that Child B is playing with, Child A should say, "Child B, may I have that toy when you are finished?" as opposed to grabbing the toy, demanding the toy or whining about the toy. Child B should say, "Yes, when I am finished you may have it." as opposed to whining about Child A wanting the toy or simply telling Child A "no" and not sharing at all. A five or six year old who has been taught good sharing habits will hand over the toy when he is finished in a reasonable amount of time. A younger child may need for you to tell him, "In three minutes you will need to be finished with the toy so that Child B may play with it". Be prepared to help a younger child transition to playing with another toy and reassure him or her that in a certain number of minutes he or she will be able to play with the toy again.

Taking away toys when young children fight over them is not the right way to stop children from fighting with each other. It is a lazy way to parent. It is so crucial that your children learn from you how to solve problems. Take every single opportunity that they give you to teach them how to share. Do it over and over and over again. Taking a toy away from fighting siblings teaches only that next time they must be more aggressive so that the other party either hands over the toy or leave them alone before mom or dad can come in and take the toy away. You can either take toys away one hundred times per day or you can show your children how to share properly one hundred times per day. The first will lead to having children who never learn to share or solve problems. The last will lead to less fighting and more politeness between children as they get older.

When it comes to knowing how to stop children from fighting with each other and saying mean things, the process is the same. When they first say something mean or hurtful to each other, ask the offended party to say how the mean words made him or her feel. Both children need to realize that words hurt and should be chosen wisely. The offender should offer an apology but realize that words cannot be taken back. If a child has empathy for his or her sibling he or she will not want to say things that hurt. Again be sure that tiredness, hunger or boredom are not factors in the behavior. Sometimes after a verbal assault your children might feel more comfortable playing apart.

More than anything your children need you to show them how to stop fighting with each other. Set a good example with your partner and other people in your life. Remember that children are very likely to do what we show them and less likely to do what we tell them.