Sibling Rivalry

We have two girls. One of them is a delightful, talkative, precocious four and a half year old; the other is a delightful, active, imitative one and a half year old. The combination is often not so delightful. I knew that my reflex reaction of "give the baby what she wants" wasn't going to be a good long term solution, so I turned to some experts for advice on an age-old problem............sibling rivalry.

One of the very first stories in the Bible, in fact, concerns sibling rivalry. According to the story, the first two boys born on Earth were Cain and Abel. Cain, the oldest, resented his younger brother, Abel. Tragically, Cain actually kills Abel, making this story also one of the very first murder.

Now, I wasn't too concerned that my girls were going to kill each other, though I can see where the phrase "screaming bloody murder" came from. But I figured if one of the very first and oldest stories collected in the Bible was about sibling rivalry, it wasn't an issue that my children had invented. The Bible doesn't say much about Adam and Eve's parenting style, but I took comfort in the fact that my parenting probably didn't cause the conflict, either.

Let's take a look at some of the common causes for childhood sibling rivalry. Most often, the problem starts with jealousy and competition. We can't do much about those feelings, but they can be made more severe by these factors:

Different needs. My two girls are at different stages of their development and need different things from the world, from their playthings, and from their parents. The older child often feels like the baby gets preferential treatment; and if she could tell us, the younger one probably feels like her older sibling gets all the good stuff.

Temperaments. Everyone has a different outlook on life and a way of handling life called temperament, which includes moods, disposition, and adaptability. My girls' temperaments are different: the older wants to play alone with her beloved toys in sight of me, and the younger just wants to play, and doesn't care if she is alone or not as long as she has the toys she wants. Too often, those toys happen to be the same one.

Modelling. When your kids start yelling, slamming doors, and throwing things, take a good look at how you and your spouse handle disagreements. For that matter, take a look at how you handle daily upsets and stresses. Oops! Now I see why the one year old stands in front of her sister, shaking her finger and yelling, "No, no, no!"

What is really going on here? Sibling rivalry is basically a competition played out in the first environment of the home. The scarce resources to be fought over are the parents' time, attention, love, and approval. And no matter how many books you read and follow, and how reassuring you try to be, the fact is that siblings are going to rival.

Time magazine had an article that stated that children between 2 and 4 years of age had a spat about every nine minutes. I nodded my head in agreement and a bit of relief. So it wasn't just my kids!

So what can we do to minimize the damage from sibling rivalry conflicts, since we now know we can't eliminate them completely? Once again, parenting and family experts had some ideas:

Don't take sides. There are a couple of reasons to avoid micromanaging sibling rivalry spats. One is that no matter how unfairly, one sibling will probably perceive that you "always" take the other's side, which will foster even more resentment. Another danger is that the kids may come to expect you to solve their problems, and lose learning this valuable skill.

Use coaching and scripting. Act out how you want your kids to behave. Practice having a conflict that resolves peacefully. You may even need to script for your younger children. An example in my house for instance: "Baby sister is saying that you are trying to take her toy. You may ask for it, but if she doesn't give it to you, you may not grab it from her hand." The next step would be to ask what they could do instead. Can they play with something together or take turns?

Separate them. If they are having difficulty playing in the same room, and the same squabble is occurring with a monotonous regularity, it's time to separate. Everyone needs a little space and time alone, and young children aren't often aware enough of that need to articulate it. You can discuss the issue later if you need to.

It's a daunting task, being a parent. Sibling rivalry can make you feel torn in several pieces, or even make you feel like a failure as a parent. Here are a few more tips that are helping me:

**Not everything is equal. Being fair to each sibling isn't necessarily the same from one child to the next.

**Do your best to spend fifteen minutes a day alone with each child, sharing their interests.

**Give each child space to be herself. For us, that means, I need to make sure my older daughter has some time each day without her sister following her or looking over her shoulder.

**Have fun. Kids are fun, and when they see you having fun with them, the need for that sibling rivalry diminishes.

**Let them know several times a day that they are important, and that their needs will be met.

**Show and tell them that you love them each unconditionally.