Sibling Rivalry: Why is Cooperation Among Family Members Often so Difficult to Achieve?

Getting along with others require a certain willingness to consider others as well as yourself. Social living is impossible without some form of cooperation. The very survival of our species depends on cooperation.

People are never so independent that they can disregard the needs of close to them. And they are not so independent that they can get their own needs met successfully without the generous assistance of others. And yet many parents find it very difficult, as well as annoying and very frustrating, to teach their children the art of cooperation.

The difficulty may arise from the fact that cooperation is best learned from patient adults who exemplify the spirit of cooperation in their lives. If you are impatient, demanding and pre occupied with your own goals, you will not be effective in teaching others the art of cooperation. Too often parents misuse the word "cooperate" to mean "Stop your fussing and just do what I said!" Cooperation must include our willingness to cooperate with our children - that is, to consider their needs and feelings as well as our own.

Too often parents fear that taking the needs and feelings of their children into consideration will undermine their authority. These parents are afraid they will be used, exploited, or taken advantage of by their children if they cooperate with them. They are afraid of losing their power, status and control. These parents tend to look at all relationships through competitive eyes. They view everything, including their relationship with their own child in terms of who wins and who loses. Looking at life through competitive eyes makes it almost impossible to cooperate freely with others.

Family life thrives in intimacy. Intimacy requires openness, trust and loyalty. A competitive spirit is incompatible with intimacy. Parents with an overly competitive spirit tend to disclose very little about themselves - especially their feelings - to their children. They give their children little opportunity to develop feelings of warmth and intimacy toward them. They are too busy preserving their power balance and protecting themselves from emotional vulnerability.

Cooperation, by its nature, implies a common goal or a long range shared vision. It is within this shared goal or vision that family members negotiate for what they want and need. They can also share their ideas, feelings and concerns so that each person is as fulfilled and satisfied as possible, without anyone having to lose dignity or self respect.

When cooperation and mutual respect are based on self disclosure and open, honest communication, family members feel safe, loved and respected. This is one of the most fulfilling of all human experiences - and worth every bit of effort that it takes for parents to teach these values.