Sick Sad Week: The Best of the Worst of the Week August 7th Edition

According to a report on Salon.com, the real reason why Pres. Bush is sitting around eating with his mouth open and molesting female heads of state instead of working to broker another temporary peace in the Middle East is because-big surprise-he and his neocon puppet masters want peace in the Middle East about as much as George Michael wants to sleep with Lindsay Lohan. That great defender of "open government", when it's not his own, of course, Pres. Bush has authorized yet another secret program, number 7031 by my count. Pres. Bush's latest secret program involves the NSA providing top level intelligence to Israel about Syria and Iran's moves to provide arms to Hezbollah. The purpose behind the program is to expand the current violence into a four front war. Why? Well, as this administration has proven before, nothing is better for business than the mass killing of people. This new program is also providing more fodder for the increasingly apt description of the relationship between Pres. Bush and his father as Oedipal. It seems that his father and his father's advisors are outraged at this new development. Apparently, they still labor under the delusion that one should try to negotiate a peace with one's enemies, not try to further inflame their outrage.

And the Award for Best Performance as a Caring Mother Goes To…

12 year old actress Dakota Fanning has made a movie in which she will appear half-naked during a rape scene. The story is said to be dark and disturbing, to say the least. But it's okay…her mother and agent both approved the intense rape scene and the semi-nudity. Not because they feel Dakota Fanning is mature enough to handle such a psychologically demanding role. No, Dakota Fanning's mother and her agent are in lockstep because they both think this is the role that will finally win the young actress her long over due Oscar! After all, poor young Dakota has been acting for almost half her life and STILL hasn't won an Oscar. Oh, the unfairness of it all. You can clearly see how Dakota Fanning's mother and her agent would feel a certain amount of time pressure on their young darling. After all, what's the big deal about pre-teen nudity when she's only got another fifty or sixty years left to turn in a performance that could score her an Academy Award.

Maybe That's Why He Didn't Drop The Bomb on the Germans

Mel Gibson isn't the only one facing charges of anti-Semitism these days. Spewing Jew-hating venom isn't just a hobby of overrated actor-directors; even Presidents have been known to join in on the anti-Semite train. Pres. Harry Truman, that brilliant tactician who killed thousands of babies in a single nuclear flash, and who actually put his trust in Douglas MacArthur's confidence that the Chinese wouldn't mind if our troops tried to push the communists completely out of Korea altogether is facing serious charges of anti-Semitism. Another clue to his cluelessness was keeping a diary in which he wrote that the Jews are not only very selfish, but that neither Hitler nor Stalin have anything on them when it comes to cruelty. (By my count the Israelis have at least another five million Arab civilians to murder before they start approaching Hitler's numbers.)

Since We Don't Hear Much About Afghanistan, Things Must Be Going Well There, Right?

Remember how we invaded Afghanistan following 9/11 to undo Al-Qaeda, only to accomplish our real mission: overthrowing the Taliban so we could start selling miniskirts to all those Muslim women who'd been forced to wear robes in the blazing Afghan heat? Mission accomplish, we decided to attack Iraq despite the fact that that country had nothing to do with 9/11. Haven't heard much from Afghanistan have you? The Taliban was annihilated, no more ancient giant carvings of Buddha were in danger of being blown up. Heck, the Pentagon even promised that the number of US troops in Afghanistan would be reduced down to a paltry 3000 by sometime this year. So then why was it very, very quietly announced this week that 11,000 more troops would be on their way to Afghanistan before the year was out? What the heck happened that we didn't hear about? Here's what: The Taliban not only wasn't annihilated, but is gaining strength every day. Apparently, Donald Rumsfailed will go down in history as the first Sec. of Defense to lose two wars. Wow, doesn't that make those of you who voted for Bush twice really proud?

Thank God He Just Wanted to Take a Whiz

I don't get hiking and camping, frankly, and this story is one of the reasons. Some nebbish went camping out in the Great Pacific Northwest at Mt. Hood National Forest-and let me just say from personal experience that Mt. Hood is one gorgeous piece of mountainhood, so that I can understand-when he felt the need to void his bladder. Unfortunately, darkness had fallen as the sun had sunk into the Pacific Ocean, and he couldn't quite see as well as an owl with night vision goggles. Anyway, the guy fell off a cliff and landed about 30 feet below. But that's not the really funny part. Apparently, he is now suing the United States of America on the grounds that the US should have known that cliff was dangerous and installed, I don't know, some sort of railing or Don't Pee Here sign. I say the United States government got off lucky; imagine how much trouble they'd be in if he'd been forced to use poison ivy as toilet paper?

The Idiocy of Ann Coulter, Part II

Last week, you may remember, Rectal Noun (that's an anagram of Ann Coulter, pass it on) made this column with her lunatic psychological analysis that suggested Bill Clinton absolutely must be gay since he hits on every woman he meets, except Ann herself. This week the Rectal Noun has suggested that the Clinton marriage really makes a mockery of the whole gay marriage amendment. Apparently gay people can get married: Bill and Hillary Clinton are both gay, you see, according to Ann Coulter's unclean rot (another anagram, please feel free to use these whenever you can), and we're just waiting for Hillary to step out of the closet. I know Ann Coulter and Dick Cheney must be close; isn't there any way we can get her to go quail hunting with a drunken Dick Cheney and this time replace the birdshot with armor-piercing bullets?