Sign Mind Games

I love to read signs, billboards, bumper stickers...anything with words while I am driving The thing about signs is that they may say one thing, but when drivers are speeding past them, their meanings may get obscured - or maybe not.

"Dump Bodies Here" I have passed this sign on my way to the chiropractor for the past year. When it first went up, it caught my eye immediately as it is located right off the ramp of a major highway. Okay, maybe I have watched the Godfather or the Sopranos way too much, but my first thought was "Do hit men and murderers need a sign to direct them to a place to dump their victims? Are body dumping places the latest business to grow out of the lucrative assassination industry?"

The sign was displayed right on the main road, so each time I drove past it, I had to wonder why the police and the FBI were not scouring that fenced off lot for missing mobsters.

As it turns out, this was my bad. Apparently, the sign was about dump trucks. Last week, the people who own that lot put up a new sign that now reads "Dump trucks and bodies available." In my defense, I am not an expert on trucks, but I think that other people were confused by the original sign too, and that is why the sign was replaced.

"Bimbo Bakeries"

When I first saw this sign, I had to Google the company and see what they were all about. Well, as it turns out, Bimbo Bakeries is an international baking company with plants in different areas of the United States. This makes me feel better because I would have felt badly if it was a family name. I would have felt worse for the women in that family who had to go around wearing this name. The teenage years are difficult enough. Could you imagine what a nightmare they would be for a girl named Bimbo? Her life after high school would be no picnic either. What profession does one pursue with the name Bimbo: Doctor, lawyer, lap dancer? I guess with her family name and the baking expertise already in place, she could become an erotic bakery owner. Yeah, I could see that working.

"Older Adult Books"

Does anyone not see the problem with this sign? The county library bookmobile pulled out in front of me on a highway, and these words were printed in big letters on the back doors. My first thought was "Who wants to touch used adult books?" I know that regular library books hold onto an amazing number of germs, but adult books must be ground zero for icky stuff plus the germs for every sexually transmitted disease known to man.

Then, as I stared at the back doors of the van, a light bulb went on in my head, and I finally got it! This van was not carrying porn, but books for older readers! Oh well, again, my mistake, but I do think that someone in the county library system has a dirty sense of humor. Whoever came up with these words for this bookmobile wanted people to think twice.

"Don't spend a fortune on that funeral. A la carte discount funerals give a nice sendoff at half the price."

I saw this beauty in upstate New York while driving to my in-laws. Touching, don't you think? Now, I am not a big funeral person. I think simple is best, but come on! It would be a tad insulting to have my husband and daughter pick and choose the details of my funeral like they would their combo dinner at the local Chinese restaurant. A little respect would be nice. And I would like to know what do these funeral directors do to make a service a discount? Do they cut back on the embalming fluid? Do they re-use coffin liners? Plastic instead of fresh flowers? What could they do?

"A follower of Wicca - follow me any closer and I will cast a spell on you."

I think this is my favorite bumper sticker. I am guessing that this woman goes wherever she wants on the road. I wonder if it helps her get good parking spaces too. I have to admit that at first I was shocked by this bumper sticker, but people wear their religious and political beliefs on their cars all the time. Why shouldn't Wicca be proud of its beliefs as well? (And no one yell at me for saying that! I am a big believer in people finding their own path.) As I continued to follow her -- without tailgating, of course -- I felt myself admiring her honesty. Not everyone is willing to stand up and say they are spell-casting witches - not since that whole Salem witch trial thing a few centuries ago.

A week later, I was on a road in the boonies of Pennsylvania when I saw a makeshift billboard that said
"Satan Lives". I was not sure if this sign was an acknowledgment of evil or someone's idea of bragging rights, so I put the pedal to the metal in case I was in a satanic cult abduction zone and got the hell out of there - no pun intended.