Signs a Relationship is in Danger of a Breakup

Before any relationship break up occurs there are always signs that give out a warning. To help learn what are some signs that a relationship is in danger of a breakup and what you can do if your relationship is in danger of a breakup, I have interviewed Clinical Social Worker Ginna Beal.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.
"I have an undergraduate degree in Psychology from Texas A&M University, and a Master's Degree in Social Work from San Diego State University. I have been a clinical social worker since 1992 and have practiced in a variety of settings, including juvenile justice, an outpatient HIV clinic, a psychiatric hospital, and schools. I have been a social worker at a high school, working with at-risk students, for a decade now. I also have a part-time private practice."

What are some signs a relationship is in danger of a breakup?
"A feeling of disconnection can be the one of the first signs that a relationship has a serious problem. Common complaints would include a realization that you and your partner are spending less and less time together, and have stopped talking about anything but the 'business of life' such as what groceries to buy or what bills need to be paid. Feeling as though you're 'in a rut,' or 'just going through the motions'. During this phase, it is easy to just try to ignore your feelings and hope that this phase will just work itself out. This is usually the time in a relationship when the sexual connection begins to dwindle. While sex is a pleasurable, fun part of a relationship, after the initial 'honeymoon' phase, the quality of sex is usually quite closely tied with the quality of the communication between partners.

Unwilling to talk about feelings; negative feedback loop: It is usually at this phase of difficulties in a relationship that what I term a 'negative feedback loop' sets in. For example, one partner may be feeling neglected, either emotionally or sexually. If that person then chooses to stay silent, rather than talk openly about their feelings, they will usually begin feeling resentful, angry, vulnerable and wounded. And since one cannot not communicate, the person's feelings are communicated through their actions. At that point, if their partner chooses to not openly talk about the apparent problem, then that person will usually also become resentful, angry, vulnerable and wounded. The problem is exponentially compounded because at this point neither partner is feeling very willing to open up, provide physical affection, talk about feelings, and attempt to reconnect. This is often a time when many arguments erupt, typically about jealousy, etc. The problem is that the arguments are not productive discussions because they are not really about the underlying feelings."

What can someone do if they recognize those signs?
"If the relationship is in the 'disconnect' phase, and both partners recognize the problem, are able to openly discuss it, and verbalize commitment to the relationship, then the next step is to begin what I call 'intentional listening' to each other, and to commit to creating quality time together. Committing to quality time together means to actively schedule time together away from your every day worries and frustrations. Being active with each other will create endorphins in your brain that will make you feel more connected.

During that time, don't take phone calls from others, don't check emails, and avoid all electronic devices as much as possible.

Intentional, or active listening involves the following steps:

- Pay attention. Turn the television, radio, and electronic devices off. Focus on the other person

- Show you're listening with simple responses like nodding, using appropriate facial expressions, and even just saying 'uh-huh.'

- Don't interrupt! Withhold any judgmental statements.

- Provide a 'recap.' Summarize/paraphrase what you heard the other person say. Ask for clarification. For example: 'What I hear you saying is that you're incredibly frustrated with your supervisor right now and wish she were not so critical.' Or 'What I hear you saying is that you're angry with me because you feel like I'm shutting you out most of the time. Is that what you meant?'

When bringing up sensitive issues, use a soft approach that will be easier for your partner to hear: 'I really want us to find a way to feel closer to each other.' Contrast that to 'We never do anything together anymore and never have sex.' After having an argument, be prepared to make compromises and meet your partner halfway. Remember to keep your thoughts focused on the positive. You are involved in this relationship for a reason; focus on thinking and acting in positive ways. You will be surprised what a difference you will see in your partner when you start thinking and acting in positive ways.

If your relationship is in the negative feedback loop phase, you will definitely need to take direct and immediate action to break that feedback loop, which may require professional assistance. You can start trying to break the feedback loop by evaluating your own feelings and what exactly it is you are needing and wanting from your partner. You will also need to evaluate any negative or distorted thoughts such as: 'He doesn't care at all about me.' 'She only sees what I do wrong and never gives me credit for what I do right.' Once you acknowledge to yourself how you are feeling and what it is you are wanting from your partner, the next step is to openly and directly talk to your partner in a non-threatening way, using the active listening skills listed above. You can also ask your partner what it is they need and want from you, and provide that to the best of your ability. It takes a lot of courage and work to break a negative feedback loop, and you may need to consider getting professional assistance to help you."

What last words would you like to leave for someone that has recognized those signs and is having a difficult time coping with the thought of a break up?
"Find the courage to seek professional help. All of us have our blind spots when it comes to relationships with others. An experienced professional can help guide you through recognizing distorted and negative thoughts, and creating a plan to becoming more open and present with your partner. Also, an experienced couples counselor can help you and your partner to learn how to communicate more openly with each other. You will be amazed how learning that skill will create a closeness that you didn't think possible, and will even improve your sex life!

Make sure to do what you can to improve communication and break the negative feedback loop. You can't control anyone's actions but your own, but you will find that when you break the cycle and begin openly talking about feelings, and focus on your listening skills, it will begin to create change within your relationship.

Finally, if your partner is unwilling to change, if there is any dangerous or violent behavior, or if there are serious problems in the relationship that are unable to be solved, even with professional help, your counselor can help you to navigate a break-up by providing support, non-judgmental listening, assistance with problem solving, and assisting you with evaluating any negative thought distortions you may be experiencing that are preventing you from realistically assessing your situation."

Thank you Ginna for doing the interview on signs a relationship is in danger of a break up. For more information on Ginna Beal or her work you can check out her website at www.ginnabeallcsw.com

Recommended Readings:
How to Get Over An Ex Boyfriend

How to Move on After a Break Up

How to Break Up with Someone