Signs of Sexual Violation?

One 8 year-old child's "responses" to a divorce made her mother increasingly concerned. The mother was well aware that her daughter would likely go through a stage of taking anger out on her. However, the child's anger seemed way over the top.

She began routinely calling her mother "asshole" and for no apparent reason at all she started her mother and her 4 year-old sister often. She frequently tells her mother that she hates her as well.

But what got the mother the most concerned was the onset of some strange behavior. The 8 year-old began spending much of her time each day retracing steps, repeatedly turning lights on and off, opening and then closing the garage door and also saving "trash" items such as used tissue and napkins, receipts, food wrappers, and even trash from the ground that she finds. She also began going to bed surrounded by many things that she feels she needs in order to sleep. It became very difficult to get to bed in the evenings, to get to school each morning, and do anything else in-between.

If you are encountering behaviors like this, it may be some pretty heavy form of testing, or it may indeed be more than that. Sometimes a very stressful event can trigger a psychological problem; by diminishing the stress in the child's life, the child may be able to "heal herself". If you put the following into practice for 90 days and the situation continues to worsen, it may be necessary to pursue a psychiatric route.

Pay extremely close attention to the stress levels in the home. Eliminate any form of anger and stress as much as possible. She needs as much peace and relaxation as possible to heal. When she behaves inappropriately, keep your cool no matter what. When you get worked up, you just work her up, and that will not work.

Regarding the child's hitting, a child definitely does NOT engage hitting for "no reason". There is always a reason. I'm not saying that the reason necessarily justifies the behavior. I'm just saying that something is provoking her behavior. Begin paying closer attention to see if you can determine what the provocation is. If it seems reasonable to do so, making some adjustments may reduce or eliminate the hitting.

Hitting is a way of communicating when other forms of communicating don't work. Pay closer attention to detect the form of communication your child tries prior to the hitting, and see if you can respond to that before her communication efforts escalate. She may not be using words. It may be a gesture or a look on the face that conveys that she is having a problem.

Protect yourself and her brother from getting hit by physically creating space between you and the person she is trying to hit. Give her a punching pillow to hit when she feels angry. Tell her how you want to be communicated with when she has a problem, and promise to help her. If you cannot give her what she demands, than don't; but remain calm, confident, kind even when you have to let her be unhappy.

Her hitting may diminish as she finds better ways of communicating. Try to get this child to open up to you, to talk to you about what is going on, what she is feeling. Also, invite her to communicate in other ways than just words, such as having her draw pictures or play with her dolls or toys in a way that tells you what is happening (she may already be doing this and you just need to interpret the meaning). It may be helpful to have her talk to someone else like a counselor or relative she feels safe with; see a play therapist or even a speech therapist can help her to feel safe enough to open up.

Children copy behaviors they have been exposed to. Is anyone modeling the kinds of behaviors she is displaying? Has anyone done so in the past? If anyone is hitting her, for instance, that makes it virtually impossible for her to stop hitting.

A divorce can be shattering to a child, and this 8 year-old is showing signs of extreme insecurity. Help her to feel secure by practicing feeling secure and confident around her no matter how she behaves. The feelings she is exposed to mirror how she herself will feel.

Surrounding herself with lots of "stuff" is likely her attempt to create a "buffer" between her and the reality she now feels so out of control over. Try bringing some sanity into the situation by helping her to choose stuff more appropriate to sleep with: clean and soft stuffed animals or towels or extra pillows. Do not permit anything hard-edged or dirty. Let her know that she can sleep with lots of stuff if she wants, but you must okay the stuff she chooses. This begins a positive trend.

Her clinging to garbage may very well be an expression of low self-esteem. Frankly, this kind of behavior often expresses physical or sexual violation that she has experienced. It is her attempt to express that she feels like garbage because she is being made to feel "dirty". This sort of thing commonly follows a sexual violation. Being only 8, she may be able to find no better way of telling you how she feels. Also, the fact that she is going to bed with lots of "stuff" surrounding her, suggests that she does not feel safe in bed, that the violations may very well have taken place in a bed.

When this child tells you that she hates you, she may very well be echoing the feelings or words expressed by someone who she has heard speaking to you that way; but on a deeper level, she is probably really saying that she hates herself because she feels responsible for something going very wrong in her life. It may simply be the divorce. It may be more serious than that.

Her retracing her steps may indicate that she keeps going back in her mind to something that happened to her, something she just cannot figure out, something she wishes she could make go away.

Turning lights on and off may indicate that what has happened to her took place in the dark. It could also indicate that she is feels "in the dark" about this event and she is trying to "shed some light" on an answer or solution that is beyond her.

Closing and opening the garage door may indicate that she is looking for a way out of her dilemma, or that it may have something to do with a car or where she gets driven to.

I realize all of this is symbolic, but such behaviors tend to express unconsciously, in a sort of dream-language, what our conscious minds cannot adequately grapple with. What you want to do is to help this child to feel safe enough to open up and speak directly so that she can get some solutions.

Be extremely aware of whom this child is spending time with outside of your presence. What happened in the past may be happening still.

Probably no one can say with certainty that a sexual violation has happened here. What I can say is that this child needs to feel safe to open up and communicate regarding something that makes her feel extremely vulnerable.

Regarding the challenges you are facing with getting her to bed, to school, etc. definitely do NOT try to enforce things using anger or stress. Do your best to NOT express feelings of frustration toward her. Give her the help she needs to get ready and go. Concentrate on guiding her through loving and safe connection rather than fierce or impatient direction; and be patient with small degrees of progress.

Establishing some clear rules for her behavior, backed up with consequences involving a temporary restriction of non-essential privileges may help her to get her behavior on track as well. But do not over-rely on firmness to improve her self-control. Firmness needs to be balanced by a deeply loving connection, and never employed in ways that cause the child to feel unsafe or uncared about.