Simon Cowell is the REAL American Idol

In the far off magical land called "Hollywood", three appointed kings (one of them is a queen) sit in high court, allowing their jesters to make fools of themselves for the rest of the proles. We, the people, the real power, sit in our living rooms, basking in the glow of the television screen, and analyze the newest flock of American Idol contestants from our home phones and cellular text messages. We are in control of the destiny of the next rich and quasi famous reality show winner posing as an actual music icon.

Not that I'm bitter. Sure I should be the next American Idol, but not for singing. I should be idolized and sought after and chased down by paparazzi and get caught shaving my head and running naked on a beach on some far off island getaway that the plane fare alone would bankrupt a "normal" working class citizen. Sure I'm just sitting at home, thinking about my bills and my break even lower middle class bank account and gut wrenching M - F grind with an occasional break in the clouds for my Saturday morning "who gives a ****" sweatpants and t-shirt till noon mentality. But there I am when that theme song hits and Ryan Seacrest takes the stage. We are once again in the thick of it.

Let's introduce the judges.

Randy Jackson, the lost Jackson brother. Randy's superpower is to say the word, "Dawg" more than the average human can stand. He calls the girls, "Man" and tells the most feminine of boys, "That was hot!" all the while making seemingly honest comments and more or less right on opinions about the performances. Besides his absolute change of personality as soon as a black contestant gets on stage (he seems to deepen in hue - which does happen to other celebrity African-Americans like Tyra Banks, Oprah, and Montel Williams - no offense Montel), Randy also seems to enjoy flaunting when he knows the song titles of the more original song choices by contestants, which is pretty unique this season for a few of them. When he knows the random song, he will say, "Oh dawg, that was a hot version of BLAH BLAH BLAH by BLAH BLAH BLAH" and even if it was the worst performance of that individual's run, Randy will sacrifice that to show the audience that - yes, he is hip.

Paula Abdul, talented performer once herself - knows the "ropes" of climbing the musical ladder. She must have had some brutal people around her at some point because she is so afraid of the truth and honesty that she literally fumbles all over her words trying to find something positive to say about a downright terrible performance. She will say things like, "You are certainly finding yourself in this competition, but you need to take it to the next level - WHERE I KNOW YOU CAN GO - the song wasn't very good - BUT YOU'RE SHOWING WHY YOU BELONG HERE" and so on and so forth with completely clashing themes twisting about in her sputtled speech. And no matter what Simon says, she tries to talk over him constantly and mother these contestants and keep their little egos safe and warm. Yes, it is very irritating, because these people are all volunteers, and we need honest judging to make our decisions. We are not the experts! We are just a flock of sheep that need to be led! LEAD US TO AMERICAN IDOLOTRY PAULA!!! That's why they're paying you! To deliver us our commercial pop messiah!! SAVE OUR BUBBLEGUM CULTURE BEFORE WE ALL SLIP INTO ACTUAL ART!!!

Ok and then there's Simon Cowell.

Simon, all I have to say is that YOU are the true American Idol. You are the savior of the show. You are our hero and you deliver us the truth wrapped in spicy hot sauce and French poodle poof atop your caveman like brow. We watch the show to see what you're going to say. We can't wait for the exchange between you and Seacrest to get uncomfortable and distractingly mysterious with inside jokes and unheard words as you talk over each other and the music which the technical director is trying to cue you to "SHUT UP" and rock a commercial break. But you don't listen to them. They don't make a penny if you don't say what's on your mind. And honestly, I would have to say that I am ON BOARD with Simon for probably 90% of what he has to say about every performance. I wish I could sit in a peanut gallery and be Simon's Flava Flav to yell, "Yeah Boy!!" and throw out my own brand of comedic side banter to fluff up the show's entertainment. But it's not about me. I am just a regular person.

The only real issue that the judges have is their own inflated sense of importance in the later rounds, and their misinformed duties falling short with the wrong task.

IT IS NOT A SINGING COMPETITION.

Maybe once upon a time it was. Maybe it is for the first few rounds. Maybe it is in order to get in the competition to begin with. But at this stage of the game, it is nothing more than a televised popularity contest. It has nothing to do with song choice, singing, performance, look, style, race, creed, or sex. Just who WE the regular people like most. WE the people, we the SHEEP!! BAAAAAAA! IN YOUR FACE PAULA!! You don't get to choose!! And you can cry when we vote off your little pets. You can go on television on muscle relaxers and put marbles in your mouth and act like someone who just came back from an alien encounter, but you don't hold the keys to the kingdom anymore. And trust me, Simon, Paula, Ryan, and Randy, the American people WILL speak. We will assign someone with that crown. Just like - what's his name? - from the last competition (is he dead or something?) and the fat dude who actually made a video (I think) and oh yeah, Clay Aiken. We will find our next "Idol" to worship with overpriced concert tickets and let our 14 year old daughters purchase the well over inflated CD and watch your silly commercials and wait until next year. Next year when we get another flock of mediocre karaoke singers who want to be musicians but want it over night instead of forging an actual career (no offense Kelly Clarkson, keep rockin'). And we will be here, in our homes, on our couches, and we will be hissing at Paula and hi-fiving the TV screen with Simon and trying our best to ignore Randy. And we'll be waiting.

Seacrest OUT!!