Simple Guidelines for Difficult Discussions with Your Teenager

Years ago, your baby learned to crawl and entertain their self. You learned to stand back and watch carefully, allowing your child to make those wonderful new discoveries. You were right there to comfort your baby when they fell, just as you were ready to smack a curious hand when it reached for something dangerous, like an extension cord.

Now, that baby is grown. He or she has learned to walk and talk, and you can't get them to sit down and shut up. After all the hard work of teaching them to use the bathroom, now you wish you could keep them out of the bathroom for those lengthy periods. What's more, is you have to stand back yet again and let your child make their own discoveries... their own mistakes. You know there are lots of electrical cords out there for your child to grab, and your child's friends are likely to be holding those cords out. Even worse, peers whom your child wishes to be friends with. (i.e. the 'in crowd')

Though it can be stressful for you as a parent to know that such opportunities are going to be an option for your growing child, you really need to relax. Do you remember what life was like for you when you were their age? Does that thought only worry you more? Good! Then you should have a better understanding of what parents should and shouldn't do. More importantly, you should remember how no matter how many mistakes you made, you survived it all and became the wonderful, caring parent you are today.

It is your job now to set a positive example. This means having difficult conversations, regularly. It may make you uncomfortable. It will definitely make your child uncomfortable if not handled appropriately and it is very important to follow some guidelines when discussing Drugs, or Sex. You will be walking on eggshells from the beginning the moment you approach your teen with these topics, so do some research before you cause any permanent damage!

Do not try to be "a friend". You're a parent, so act like one! You can't be a 'cool parent' because... you're a parent. When discussing drugs, never offer to pass the pipe. When discussing sex, never offer advice like which positions are better. These examples may sound like exaggerations yet sadly, some parents try way too hard to be 'in' with their child. Yes, you do want in but no you don't want to encourage!

Similarly, do not take on difficult topics with an "I'm the parent, you're the child" point of view. This authoritative attitude will only cause a greater distance between you and your teen.

Do enter an equal sided conversation with your child. They won't forget you are their parent and you shouldn't forget that either. However you need to have an open mind if you want your child to do the same with you. Other wise you'll get a lot of "uh-huh" and "nu-uh".

Do be honest! If you have used drugs don't try lie about it! If you lost your virginity at a young age, be clear about why you regret it. Use your experiences as example. However...

Don't expect your child to 'learn from your mistakes'! By being honest with your child, you are simply encouraging your child to be honest with you. Difficult conversations require a great degree of comfort from both sides. You may find yourself emotional when 'being real' with your child. As long as the open emotion is being reciprocated, you will be having a successful conversation.

Don't use text book examples, they are useless to teens. Do use real life scenarios. Perhaps you and your teen know somebody who has a strong drug addiction? Or maybe somebody who had a child before they were ready. Even the simplest blunt point can make all the difference.

An example here uses the topic of smoking cigarettes. Your child already knows that it causes cancer and it's addicting and it kills people. This hasn't been reason enough for stopping other teens from smoking. A more effective point in this one-on-one would be the price. Try the following example:

"Someone who smokes a pack a day (try to use someone you know as an example) spends at least $50 a week on cigarettes. This adds up to over $200 a month. You know how many clothes and CDs you could buy with that kind of money? What do you get out of smoking? After 20 minutes or so you want another one?"

Don't try to shelter your teen! They are no longer a child and (whether you like it or not) they are already seeing what really happens in the real world. Considering what it was like for you at their age, and how generations seem to only be getting worse... you may not want to know what your child knows. You may prefer to shelter yourself. Trying to tell your child the world is one way when they know better will, again, only make the distance between you worse.

Do share your opinion. If you want to know what your child's opinions honestly are then be honest about yours! Consider the following real life example.

My 12 year old daughter already knows that both her father and I support the idea of marijuana being legalized. She knows the reasons why we support it. She knows that, even if it sounds hypocritical, we don't want her to ever try marijuana. It really isn't worth the risk and she's got enough problems with her grades as it is. We approach the topic of marijuana lightly, so she will too.

She knows that 'other drugs' (not marijuana) are a much bigger problem (in our eyes). However, her opinion is that marijuana is no different from any other drugs. She has even included alcohol and tobacco into this. I've been blessed with a teen who is constantly trying to convince me to quit smoking! (If only I'd been more like her at her age...) Using real life examples, she knows how addicting (and sometimes ignorant) these things are. Bear in mind that her opinion was not something she learned in school, and it certainly is nothing like my opinion. It is hers.

Don't try to control your teen! They are learning to become their own person. You can't stop that from happening, but if you try you could easily make it worse. Do you really want to teach your kid to let others control them or influence their beliefs?

Do accept your teen's opinions, even if you have different beliefs. Remember that when this transition ends your teenager will come out an adult. While you still have time to offer morality and values, you can not forcefully mold them into what you would like them to become.

Do have reasonable expectations. A large part of leaving the parent perspective at the door comes into play here. Obviously you don't want your teenager to use drugs or have sex. However, you can't expect this. What you can expect is that your child will wait until they know they are ready to have sex, and to recognize when they are being pressured. You can expect that your child will use protection if they do have sex, and you can expect that if your child does experiment with drugs, they will feel comfortable admitting so to you and not forming an addiction behind your back.

Bear in mind that if none of these guidelines are followed, none of these positive expectations can be met! The whole point of having difficult conversations is offering mature advice for moral values. For that reason:

Do not badger, probe, or investigate for information.

Do not betray your teen's trust.

Do not deny your child the option of birth control if they ask.

Do not threaten unreasonable punishment if your child tries drugs.

Do not have a stubborn, closed mind on anything with your teen!

I hope these tips help you to better communicate with your teen and to help them make the right decisions.