Single Again and Dating

This is pretty simple. Make sure you read the whole article. Some will find this article abrasive to read, the rules hard to do, and the author too candid, and hate it. From experience, I can say these rules are blunt because they have to be. Broken hearts don't usually heal until someone picks up the pieces for you. I've only ever known candor to be able to do that effectively. It's a disservice to anyone you know if you are too afraid to be honest with them.

There are some basic rules to dating today. The first rule is as simple now as it was when you were 16: Get out there. I mean really, what the heck are you doing reading an article about dating? Is this the part where the author needs to jump through the screen, tell you it's fourth and long, it's time to drop back and punt, and "oh by the way" YOU are the freakin' football? Consider yourself kicked back into play. That's rule number one. The loser/hoser/poser/retard that let you go didn't exactly know what they were doing when they dropped you off. Sucker. For the seriously self-image impaired: Drop the pity-party and the bag-o-donuts, grab a shower, a nice set of threads, and bail out on the empty house. Short version for the A.D.H.D reader: GET OUT AND DATE SOMEONE. BATHE FIRST.

The second rule is considered by many to be a kind of PART B to rule number one above, but it really deserves its own place. Rule #2: Expect to get shot down a few times. There is a word for the guy or gal who gets shot down a dozen times before they get one date: N-O-R-M-A-L. That's normal. I mean really, does anyone ever get the person of their dreams on the first date? Sorry, that's not real, that's called H-O-L-L-Y-W-O-O-D. You pay eight bucks to see a hottie for two hours at the movie theater with two of your best friends, or you can spend twenty bucks downtown with whatever you want for maybe a half hour. Anything else... and I mean anything else... Will take time, effort, and a willingness to get to know the person. Dating in the social world is like training in the military: You screw up while you're dating, like you screw up in combat training. In dating, if you mess up, you can take a do-over, or after a while, find someone else, after learning what "I'm sorry" means. In combat training, you screw up, you wash off the fake blood, pack up the fake strapped on wounds and start all over again tomorrow. Damaged hearts are worse than fake wounds, sure, but a little embarrassment and some thrown wine today prevents a divorce and three kids who don't know mom, or dad, or both... So for the A.D.H.D reader, the short version is this: EXPECT BATTLE DAMAGE, BUT STICK UP FOR WHAT YOU EXPECT. IF IT SMELLS FISHY, IT'S PROBABLY A FISH - THROW IT BACK FAST, THE SMELL LINGERS AND ONLY GETS WORSE WITH TIME.

Rule #3 is by far the most important. Once you promise someone you're going to be in their life, STAY THERE. No quitting, no cheating, no backing out, and by God ABSOLUTELY no backing down. You've been lied to if you believe marriage is about how you feel. Marriage is about the promise you make: I promise I'm never leaving, never quitting, never stopping. It's about putting value into the only thing that anyone can trust: Your word. I said so, and that's the way it's gonna be. For twenty one years Cronkite kept people watching CBS because people knew he wasn't guessing when he said "That's the way it is." He said it, so by God it must have been delivered by Holy Writ, or a disciple resurrected. At the very least, people believed it went from God to Cronkite to you. That's what you have to build into your relationships: If you say it will happen, it happens. If you can't make it happen, try to tell them why before they ask you. Start with "I'm sorry, but I need to disappoint you." End with "Is there a way I can make it up to you?" If forgiveness doesn't pop up from the other person right away, remember what I said about fourth down, it's time to punt, and this time, the other person's the football. So for the A.D.H.D. reader, the short version: PROMISES ARE PERMANENT, AND FORGIVENESS IS ESSENTIAL FOR THE SCREWUPS. KICK OUT ANYONE WHO CAN'T FORGIVE YOU.

The thing about all of these rules is this: they're easy to say, but extremely hard to DO. That's where the remaining rules come in. Hard to do. Hard to even think about.

Rule #4. Since this an article about single parents, how is there a simple rule that provides guidance about how the new person is going to fit in? I mean, if you already have kids, a job, a sort of life of your own that exceeds just merely existing, how do you tell if someone new has a place?

This one is very simple: Date the new person long enough to see how they treat other people who aren't you. This will give you a very keen insight into how the new person will treat your kids. The foundation of this rule is that you don't let the new person meet your kids until you see how the person treats others. This means a certain degree of involvement in their life, as well. That's what dating is all about - seeing how the other person treats other people. How does the other person treat the waitress at dinner? Do they open doors for complete strangers? Do they race complete strangers in the parking lot just to get a closer spot? Look for signs the new person in your life thinks of other people. That's important - that's rule #4: Look for signs that the person you're interested in thinks of other people first. Good manners are hard to fake. You can tell if a person offers a kind action from a genuine feeling of good will towards others. If you for an instant get a thought that something about the new person's manners are fishy... remember rule #2: if it smells fishy, it's probably a fish, and not dateable.

So, for the A.D.H.D. - IF THE OTHER PERSON SHOWS NO REGARD FOR ANYONE BUT YOU, YOUR KIDS WON'T CHANGE THAT.

Rule #5: Hang up the internet and the cell phone. The internet is a major time waster, and the cell phone tells anyone looking (and listening) that you have a leash that your pals can jerk anytime they want to, no matter who you're with. If you can't handle a disaster of a date without needing the emergency phone call from a friend so you can excuse yourself, go home and stay on the internet. They make websites that are loaded with man-whores and chics that are willing to do anything, and put it on webcam for you.

So, for the A.D.H.D. - TURN OFF THE INTERNET, AND HANG UP THE DAMN PHONE. THE OTHER PERSON WILL REALIZE YOU'RE THINKING OF THEM. (SEE RULE NUMBER 4.)

Oh, one last line of thought: Don't try to meet new people in the same old places. Go new places, to meet new people. And forget cheesy come-ons and pick up lines. Try a simple, plain, "How are you doing?" - said with good manners. This opens the door easily enough. If you get shot down, see rule number 2. If they make fun of you, see rule #4. If they answer their cell phone before you can finish hellos, see rules number 4 and 5.

And last, the most blunt I can be: If you see other people getting what they want, it's probably because they're the ones who don't quit until they get it. This means they also made up their minds about what they wanted before they ever left the house. So make up your mind about what you want.

So let's wrap this up: Decide what you want. Make a plan. Stick to it. Toss any bad habit that hurts the plan. Toss anyone who discourages you. And make sure the kids see you fighting for what you want every step of the way. In the end, it's the kids that matter. Set the example they need.

Easy to say. Hard to do. But I told you that going into this.