Single Moms Dating Advice

Jumping back into the dating pool can be a terrifying time, especially for single moms. Once the sting of the divorce has somewhat faded, we all begin to wonder when we should consider dating again. For us, dating is a much more serious issue to consider because we have children.

Going through a divorce is traumatic. Unless you have experienced one first hand, you can not possibly know how exhausting a divorce can be. Every sense we have gets pushed to its limits. The decision to divorce is heroic. Braving the fight is a testament to ones pure will. So many of us stay quiet instead of risking rocking the boat and upsetting our circumstances even if we are dying because of them. For those of us who are willing to go through the trauma a divorce will create, a new life awaits.

With our new life comes of course new experiences. We need to learn to be more self reliant than ever. We learn to manage on our own in ways we never thought possible, and we survive. Eventually time passes and we begin to wonder when we should begin to date. It is a time to be extremely conscious, because we may still be vulnerable.

I suggest that women who have come through a divorce wait at least a year before they begin to date again. Because most marriages end due to the consequences of living enmeshed with one another, it takes time for us to become separate individuals. Just because our spouse no longer sleeps in our bed, does not mean he is not still in our head. A divorce is simply an end to a marital contract. It has nothing to do with an emotional divorce. When we have children, it is far more serious a decision to date than for those who do not have children. Single moms need to be extremely cautious as to who they introduce to their children, as well as who they give their hearts to.

Single moms certainly have a right to a life. However, our main responsibility lies to our self and to our children. It is imperative we learn to get reacquainted with who we are, so that we can become all we were meant to be, so that we can be excellent mothers. After the divorce, it is wise to learn to be comfortable being alone. Turn off the t.v., the radio, the cell and the house phone and simply sit. Quiet your mind and learn to let the anxiety of aloneness simply pass through you. Eventually being alone will become time you cherish.

The first year after a divorce is about discovery. Do you like to dance? Then take a dance class. Do you like to take pictures? Then take a photography class. Have you ever wanted to go back to school? Then check out the local universities. Have you lost contact with old friends? Now is a great time to contact them.

Another thing single moms can do that first year after a divorce, is learn to develop the habit of journaling. Set time aside every day to write in a journal. Write about how you feel, what you think, and what you want. Write about struggling with being alone. Write about the peace you are finding. Write about your fears, just write.

It is imperative for moms to remember that our children are suffering just as much if not more than we are as the result of our divorce. They too are full of anxiety, fear, depression, guilt and sadness. They may not have the ability to verbalize how they feel, especially if our home was one that did not openly discuss feelings. As moms it is our responsibility to make sure we parent them and they don't parent us. Make sure you are tuned into what your children are feeling. It is not their responsibility to worry about us. It is our job to make certain they know we are strong enough to take care of ourselves and them.

Single moms who have spent enough time figuring out who they are, and who have invested the proper attention to their children, can then consider dating. Single moms who are still looking for distractions, who can not see their own children's pain, need more time to heal. Dating can be a liberating experience, but when it is used to distract us from our pain, it can only end up disastrously. Once you know you are strong enough to not need a relationship to validate you or to escape to, you know you are ready to begin one.

Above all else, we as single moms need to remember our children did not ask to be born. They suffer terribly through a divorce, and they need us more than ever once it occurs. Making sure our focus is us, during that first year, can't help but guarantee we become better mothers as a result.