Single Parent and Loving It?

Here I am, a 47 year old divorced woman with three kids, all daughters. I'm responsible, a professional and I've just started a (hopefully) successful writing career, but I just don't seem to be satisfied with the men I occasionally date. My children are old enough (13, 14, and 15) to understand about dating and they have no problems with this at all (their father isn't in the picture, and has to have his wages garnished for child support because he isn't responsible enough to manage on his own) and have liked all the men I've seen. The problem is me.

For the most part, I have mostly male friends and sometimes the friendship gets a little more friendly and we end up dating. It's not uncomfortable because I know the guy, but it seems that after a short time, I get bored. Not just bored with the man, but bored with the romance aspect. Conversations as friends are different than conversations between romantic partners (or dare I say 'lovers') and they just don't hold my interest any more. I'd rather have a lively discussion or debate about current events, politics or the environment than argue about whose turn it is to do the dishes or vacuum the living room. No matter how good the relationship is, there is always arguing or nagging involved and I hate both. When you become an adult, you're expected to know what to do in life and that dirty socks need picking up or dishes in the sink need to be washed, so why is it that when two people cohabitate either in marriage or a live-in situation, this knowledge seems to vanish? It's absurd that two people can't respect each other enough to handle chores with maturity and negate the need for that dreaded nagging.

It might just be that I've been an independent and self-sufficient (although not always successfully self-sufficient) woman for so long that I no longer know how to give up some of the responsibility that I've clutched onto. It's not that I'm against marriage or I'm a man-hater, but after my failed marriage and the horrible memories that are resurrected when I think back to those awful years, I just refuse to ever 'settle' again. I'm afraid to lose my freedom and become dependent on someone else. I actually made it as a wife for 5 years (although we weren't together for that entire time), and even though I was relieved when those divorce papers were signed, a little part of me was sad that it was over. Like so many other women, I went into the marriage with the idea that it would be perfect and was so incredibly disappointed to find out that it wasn't. Granted, the man I chose was not a good match for my ideals or sensibilities, but I'd convinced myself that he was 'the one', so I accept the responsibility for my poor judgment.

Now, about 11 years post-divorce, and several boyfriends later, I find it very difficult to find a man who can satisfy my intellectual desires and my spiritual self. I go into a new relationship with a defeatist attitude and find it very easy to find fault and to see the things about a man that I dislike. I'm definitely more realistic than I was, which is good, but now I think that somewhere in the dark recesses of my brain, it's engraved on my gray matter that I should never trust another man because I'll surrender myself to him and lose my identity as me.

Now, back to the realistic side again. Even though my fear seems to color my relationships, it has a side benefit because now I'm determined to support myself and my children without outside help. Oh, sure, it would be great to find a wonderful guy who'd help pay the bills and share household responsibilities, but if he doesn't come along, I'm happy enough to stay single.

Even with my supposed security in the single, independent life, I worry about my daughters. I've read that girls learn about future relationships from their parents and, here's the kicker, learn about men from their fathers. Great. So now I get to live with the guilt that without a man in my life, and therefore my children's lives, I might be sabotaging my daughters chances of having successful relationships. Ugh, why can't life just be as carefree as when we were children and the most important thing was trying to figure out how to coerce your parents into buying candy or the latest sugary cereal. I do believe that I've done a good job so far as raising my kids and acting as mother and father, but it's not easy. If anyone says it's easy being a single parent, they're lying. I have sole custody and have my children 24/7 without any respite or help. My family doesn't help and my ex lives in another state and apparently finds it difficult to pick up the phone or even email. He has started sending Christmas and birthday presents, which is a nice surprise for the children, so I suppose I should be happy about that, but I'm still the one who cares for them each and every day.

On those quiet nights after the children are asleep, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a man around. Someone to cuddle with at night and ask advice when I'm faced with one dilemma or another, but then I go to sleep and wake up to face another day as myself; single mother and woman in control of her own destiny. I'm empowered, but still a hopeful romantic at heart.