Single Parenting

I became a single parent over a year ago, and although I am no longer single, that brief year gave me a taste of the pressures and sacrifices that single parents face on a daily basis. I used to think that it was too hyped up, as I sat in my cozy little house tending to the chores of a bona fide homemaker. Cleaning, baking cookies, budgeting and chauferring kids to and from school was my typical day. What was the big deal, I thought. Parenting is parenting, whether or not you're in a relationship or what time of day you complete your daily tasks.

That attitude was validated one day when I went to an agency that assits people with college scholarships. They are there to provide information on the myriad of scholarship organizations that out there, and to assist with the application process. After perusing the thick binders for over an hour, I approached one of the employees with my dilemma. I simply could not find a scholarship program that I was eligible for, as these grants were directed at people with disabilities or other specified hardships. Who was I to expect a scholarship for a frumpy, washed up housewife? He showed me some catalogs from various organizations, and for reasons unknown to me even now, I asked him if he knew of any grants available for single mothers. His response was no, because single parenthood is a choice. I was surprised by his answer, but it reinforced my opinion nonetheless. I left, having received no helpful information.

Fast forward two years, and there I was, stunned at the news my husband was delivering to me on our wedding anniversary, which happened to also be on Christmas Eve. He was in love with a co-worker and had been having an affair behind my back, all the while leading me to believe that all was well in our marriage. We had just bought our first home, I was in college full time, and we were raising two small children. I was a stay-at-home mom in a city 2000 miles away from my family. I was shattered, completely heartbroken, and suddenly, I was a single parent. My husband left not only me, but the kids as well, never contacting any of us or exorcising his right to visitation. Apparently, he was more interested in starting a new family and leaving his other family behind to pick up the broken pieces of our lives. After several weeks of crying my eyes out, I got a job and remained in school. My kids went to daycare after school for the first time in their lives, and life went on without the man I loved and the father of my children. I went from having all the time in the world to complete my household chores and run errands to a frenzy of responsibilities thrust upon me, with not a single person to aid me in a frantic search for a sitter on snow days, or anyone to shuffle the kids to their much needed therapy appointments. All in the blink of an eye, my house became messy and dirty and we survived off any food that could be microwaved in a minute or less. If a child got sick, it sent me into a panic, for I couldn't call in to work when I was a brand new employee. Dental appointments had to be strategically planned, with me skipping lunch breaks for an entire week to make up the missed time at work. If the house needed any kind of repairs that I was incapable of fixing on my own, it would open the floodgates and I would cry and berate myself for buying a house when I was so clueless about how to take care of one. My job was very demanding, I was working in a field I knew nothing about, so at the end of the day I came home mentally and physically exhausted, too tired to play with the kids and too rushed to give them the quality time that they deserved. I had homework, they had homework, and something always needed cleaned or tended to. Many times, chores went undone and phone calls and emails were not returned. There just wasn't enough time in the day to get everything done. Hiring some help was not an option. I was new on a job that barely paid the bills.

One evening, I remembered the man from the scholarship agency. Single parenting is a choice? Right, buddy. You have no idea what you're talking about. Okay, in some instances, yes it is a choice. The single career woman who has yet to meet Mr. Right and decides to adopt a child is a matter of choosing. Having a baby is a choice. But creating a child is a two person experience, and when we have a child, many of us could never imagine that the other person would leave, whether by choice or in some tragic instances, by death. To say that single parenting is a choice is a broad generalization, one that, based on my personal experiences, I disagree with. Needless to say, I no longer have the opinion that I once had and am ashamed that I ever felt that way.

Despite my feelings of pain, isolation and hopelessness, I was growing and learning with each new day. Although I was heartsick over my marriage and cried easily, I was gaining strength without even realizing it. I made friends at work, my children were adjusting to our new lifestyle, and I was no longer frumpy! I acknowledged my own mistakes that I had made in my relationship with my husband and worked on correcting the negative aspects of my attitude. In essence, I was doing it!! I was the mother, the father, the student, the tutor, the chef and every other title that goes along with raising a family and running a household. I stuck with it, even on the days when I felt like giving up or running away, and believe me, there were quite a few of those days! It wasn't easy, but then again, I guess nothing in life that truly matters really is easy. Being a single parent was the toughest job I had ever encountered and yet, it was the most rewarding. Nothing can top that feeling of accomplishment.

Kudos to all the parents out there who are, or ever have been, a single parent. I am proud of myself for having made it through the most trying experience of my life so far, and I hope you are proud of yourself too!! Our children are watching, and learning from us, and what a wonderful feeling that is, to know that they know they can always count on us.