"Single" Skills - Getting the Most Out of the Single Life

I often hear the phrase "relationship skills" to describe how someone conducts themselves in a relationship. Relationship skills include skills such as communication, compromise, patience, listening. When both people in the relationship have these skills, the relationship is typically functional. Although never perfect.

Being single is also a skill. Or rather, being a well-functioning single person requires just as many skills as being in a relationship, if not more. Being single is something that I excel at. Of my 28 years of life, 25 of them have been spent being single, so I believe I am well qualified to write somewhat authoritatively on this topic. Furthermore, I don't expect to become un-single anytime soon, so I might as well continue to hone my skills as much as possible.

To follow are what I consider to be the Top 3 Single Skills.

3. Having Interests, Hobbies and/or Activities: Keeping Busy
When you are single, there isn't always someone "there" to hang out with, watch TV with, or just chat with to occupy the time. Friends may or may not be around, so it's important to do things that don't require involvement with other people. Not to say they can't involve others, but it's always nice to know that you have an activity you can do on your own. In my case, these activities are running, playing the piano, and writing. I do not need a partner for any of these things, and in fact, being in a relationship would restrict the time I have to enjoy these activities as much as I currently do.

2. Independence
Single people must learn to take care of themselves and not rely on others to do so for them. Taking care of oneself involves many both physical and emotional aspects. If you're single (and you live alone, or aren't close with your roommates) there won't be someone to take care of you if you get sick. Emotionally, if you are sad or upset, there isn't necessarily going to be someone to "check-in" with you to ask how you're doing. As a single person, it's my responsibility to nuture my needs. Once again, it's nice to have friends around, but when you're single- chances are that there isn't someone to "look after" you.

My company recently developed a handbook with policies and procedures. One of the items in the book stated that if an employee didn't come to work for three days without an explanation, to assume that person had quit. I told my boss to never assume that of me. If something horrible happened to me, the first people to notice my absence would be my co-workers because they are the only people I interact with every day. If it weren't for my job, it could take several days for my friends and family to realize that I wasn't around.

For me, independence means that I am not relying on other people for anything. I don't like depending on others, which is why I "work" so well as a single person. If I were to be involved in a relationship, I would still want to be self-sufficient. Trust is a relationship skill- and it's not one that I'm particularly good at. No one else is going to put me first or make me a priority in their lives, so I've learned how to do that on my own.

Independence means you'd rather be alone than be with someone who wasn't a good fit for you.

1. Loving Yourself
This tops my list and the other items encompass this skill. If you're single, chances are you don't hear the words "I love you" very often, if at all. Even if your family and friends love you, it's rare that they express it as often as a romantic partner would. A lot of single people sometimes feel that they aren't "good enough" to be loved. Being single hurts their self-esteem. For a long time, I believed that I was not loveable and I believed that being single meant that there was something wrong with me. I mean, really, really wrong with me. But I've come to realize that's not the case. Just because other people aren't seeing what I have to offer (aside from my trophy-girlfriend characteristics), doesn't mean it's not there.

Loving yourself means knowing yourself. And I've come to know parts of myself that I wasn't even aware of a few years ago- both the good and the bad.

I don't mean to imply that people in relationships don't have these skills. They're good for anyone- single or in a relationship. However, I do believe that these skills are the building blocks for a successful single lifestyle.

I'm very good at being single- it's a skill I have mastered. Some people are meant to be in relationships, others are meant to be single. This can change over time, but it hasn't changed for me in 28 years, so I'm used to it. Based on my track record, I see that I've flourished most during my single periods (marathons, the dance team, modeling) and my relationships have all ended in un-necessary heartache. Always triggering unhealthy coping mechanisms and behaviors.

My biggest pet peeve is when people tell me: "you need to take time to work on yourself" or "you need to learn to love yourself first". Those comments are like nails on a chalkboard because I have been doing them for 25 years. I've taken plenty of time for myself. I've gotten to know myself inside and out and I love myself. And I haven't been living these 28 years just to "prepare" myself for some man.

A friend of mine who recently married a 30-year old was told by her sister: "If he's 30 and still single, there must be something wrong with him." And then her mom chimed in "No, he was just waiting and perfecting himself so that he could meet Linda!" Of course both of these viewpoints are bogus. First of all, being 30 and single does not mean there is anything wrong with you. Secondly, "he was just waiting for Linda to come along" implies that the first 30 years of his life were serving the sole purpose of bettering himself for his marriage. Like marriage was some ultimate goal that everything in his life was leading up to. If I do ever get married, I am certainly not going to view my single time as "prep time" for marriage.

On February 14- "Singles Appreciation Day". I splurged on myself with an $80 zebra running skirt as a token of my self-love and instead of eating a heart-shaped box of candies, I had some 82% dark chocolate, as recommended by Runner's World for a healthy indulgence.